When Somebody Loved Me

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When somebody loved me,

Everything was beautiful

Every hour we spent together lives within my heart

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And when I was sad,

She was there to dry my tears

And when I was happy,

So was she

When she loved me

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Through the summer and the fall

We had each other, that was all

Just she and I together,

Like it was meant to be

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And when I was lonely,

She was there to comfort me

And I knew that she loved me

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So the years went by

I stayed the same

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She began to drift away

I felt alone

Still I wait for the day

When she’ll say I will always love you

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Lonely and forgotten,

I’d never thought she’d go away

Wishing she would smile at me and hold me just like she used to do

Like she loved me

When she loved me

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When somebody loved me

Everything was beautiful

Every hour we spent together lives within my heart

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Commitment Issues???

So recently I thought commitment and how I struggle with the whole idea of commitment. Often we think of commitment as in the relationship between two people but there are many other areas in our life that involves commitment. I’ve learned recently that I have an issue with commitment, even with my relationships.

Digging deeper into the subject I have realized I have a strong fear of being abandoned and left behind, which causes me to float around like a butterfly. I have gotten use to things changing and having happiness taken from me, so I have learned to not get use to the good things in my life… because I never know when it will end.

Looking back at my past relationships (or the lack thereof) and my dating experiences its apparent that I go for guys I have no shot with… usually guys who are emotionally unavailable. I have this inherent need to fix these guys. I also find myself in a pattern in finding guys who believe they’re not good enough for me, guys who believe they don’t deserve a guy with a big heart… and so much love. When I fail in saving them and they they abandon me, I am left feeling devastated.

Patterns don’t appear out of thin air, they are repeated over and over. I learned to tolerate being treated less early on. I was also groomed in believing I had to look past the bad behaviors and allow the good to out way the bad, regardless how severe the bad was. Looking at my failed relationships there were many red flags and I ignored everyone of them, even when they smacked me in the face.

I also learned I had to chase after love and convince the person I was good enough. Just like a donkey constantly chasing after the carrot dangling from a string or a dog chasing after his tail. Honestly I think I found a guy who wanted to be with me, who loved me for who I was and gave me attention would scare the hell out me… and I would probably speed away leaving only my dust behind.

I am learning how to overcome feeling like I have to tolerate bad situations. Positive patterns also need to be repeated over and over before they sink in.

Commitment scares even something as little as having a schedule freaks me out. I even struggle with the day to day commitments. My doctor recently asked me to commit to going outside twenty minutes a day seemed impossible to me. I have always been the spur of the moment kind of guy and I am finding it difficult to bring in order to my life. It seems so foreign and strange.

Dieting is another area that I struggle with commitment. Having to count my calories has always been tough. When I start to moderate my food intake I panic when I get near my daily calorie limit because I know that means I can’t eat whatever I want. I’m going on my eighth month of this diet and I struggle with commitment. Learning a new trick takes a lot of practice, time and patience. You must expect to stumble and fall, time and time again… the true key to overcoming an obstacle is to always get up when you fall… learn from your falls. Sometimes it takes taking the same fall over and over for it to sink in. You can only ride that broken record for so long before you get dizzy and fall off. You can only stand dizziness for so long before you must change.

As much as I resist change, sometimes it’s needed. I’m getting too old to keep spinning in chaos. I yearn for stability and consistency. I need to bring balance into my life and with that comes commitment. With balance comes moderation, which is something I never do but I’m learning. As they say practice makes perfect and I will keep practicing until I master the art of commitment.

Calgon take me away…..

I’m not going to lie I want this all to go away, the pain… the grief… the unbearable feeling that this isn’t ever going to be okay… feeling like it’s the end of the world.

I constantly feel like someone is stabbing me in the gut. I just want to scream. I want to run… far away…

I’m angry… at everyone… God particularly. People bug the hell out of me lately, I constantly want to punch people in the voice box… lol 🙂 but seriously my emotions are all over the map. Commercials devastate me.

Nothing seems logical or right. My mom’s death and illness feels like a dream. Yet it’s been almost a year and she hasn’t returned from that mythical place I think she is… My mind tells me that she’s on an extended vacation to some faraway land.

It feels like our family has crumbled apart and now I’m alone.

I want to die, yet I am still here. Suffering in silence. When the world keeps spinning. For so many years it was preached down my throat that I was going to HELL… well I don’t have to pack any bags because I already am there.

I feel like crawling into a hole… and never coming out.

Comfort. I need it. desperately. Relieve my symptoms. Relive the pain. over. over. over. over. over. over. over. over. over. over. over. over. over. over. over. over. over. over. over. over. over. over. over. over.

 

Upcoming 1yr Anniversary of My Mom’s Death

I just realized today that it’s been almost a year since we drove down to Nashville for my Mom’s surgery to remove her carcinoid tumor. Since my birthday (July 3rd) I have been in this depressive fog and I had no clue as to what was causing it, until today.

I didn’t realize that the one year anniversary was fast approaching. It’s really unfathomable that it’s already been a year since my Mom died??? It feels like she just died. Where has the time gone? Have I been sleeping all this time???

Your mind can trick you into believing that a person hasn’t really died. It’s easy to put things out of your mind by telling yourself it can’t be true. They are just on vacation but as time goes by it forces you to face the reality that they are dead. My birthday was a slap in my face because it forced me to come to terms with my Mom’s death. There was no way for me to come up with a reasonable explanation for my Mom not being with me on my birthday.

As more time goes by the truth sinks deeper and I realize she’s not coming back.

This year has been hell. I’m learning to cope with living in this life without my Mother. It’s the toughest lesson I will ever learn. My Mom was the closest person in my life and one of the few bright spots. She was my biggest champion and was there for me during a time when I had no one. It’s been difficult because I can’t reach out to her for comfort like before. She was my best friend, we were very much like Dorothy and Sophia from The Golden Girls. I had envisioned us growing old together like Dorothy and Sophia but that wasn’t in the cards.

I feel very alone.

My life hasn’t unfolded like I had envisioned and I am learning to adjust to it the best I can. As painful as this year has been I wouldn’t want want the alternative for my Mom to be here in pain and if she would have survived she would have been miserable. There is comfort in knowing that she is no longer in any pain and in a better place.

I always wanted the best for her and now she has it. She also wanted the best for me and I am working on building a life I deserve… it just takes time.

My Mom was the strongest person I have ever known. She had a heart of gold. Her family was very important to her. I miss her so very deeply… and I hope I get to see her again.

Love you Mama, thanks for giving me life and your love. Huggs

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