I’m not sure where to begin but I’m compelled to write. Since my Mom passed away on September 2012 my life has been turned upside down. My heart was ripped from my chest and a gigantic hole was bore out in the middle of my heart. Then it was transplanted back into my chest gaping, bleeding and raw. I have left a trail of blood ever where I went, which hasn’t been too far because I’ve been hiding in the basement where I live.
Drowning in my own blood, pain and tears I suffered deeply. Alone. With my thoughts, feelings and sorrow. Afraid of the world, afraid of myself. Pissed off, wanting answers. Why? I wasn’t sure if I wanted to stay on this planet as it seemed all it brought me was sorrow.
I have often questioned my existence, my purpose in life and after my beautiful Mother’s passing that only was amplified by the millionth degree. Questions like why are we put here to suffer? Where do we go after we die? Why did God have to take my Mother at this time in my life. I took it personal like God had a personal vendetta against me… this isn’t something new for me. All my life I have felt like what I have endured on this life was a punishment from up above from being sexually abused to everything else in between.
Much of my life has been in turmoil, constant chaos. I’ve been seperated by the source for way to long. I will be honest that I don’t have the faintest idea what is out there but there is one thing that I do know… that I come from something greater… I wouldn’t have been given such a gift of a wonderful, loving Mother. There was purpose in that.
There has also been purpose in my suffering as it didn’t kill me. No amount of damage will take me down. I will continue to stand up and keep moving forward.
You don’t have to look far to see that there are some horrible things to this world. People being hurt, children being abused. Humans hurting other humans. It’s so easy to get lost in it all and go into seclusion. Having a heart in a world when so many have locked it up will bring you pain… It will scar you… It will rip you apart at times. It will cause you to question everything, including yourself.
The brighter your light is the harder some will try to extinguish to your light. I have always questioned why certain people have hurt me, for too long I took it personally. I internalized their fears, pain and doubt, allowing it all to become a part of me.I now realize these people who hurt me did so because they were scared of me. It wasn’t my fault.
I was meant to do good on this planet, to make a difference. To touch people with my heart and love… to pass on the love my Mother gave me. To reach out to those who hurt like I have.
If I can endure the sorrow and grief of losing my Mother, I can endure anything. My pain is not a weakness, it is a strength and I am learning to use it as fuel. There comes great power in realizing that you have weathered the great storm still standing.
So I’m going to venture out in the world once again standing strong, knowing that my beautiful Mother is all around me. She is deep within my heart. She is the love that flows through and out of me. I know that she now at peace, surrounded by the most beautiful, loving light.
So now it’s my turn to take a leap of faith and trust in the universe to take me where I need to go. I’m ready to fly. I’m ready to live once more. I am a man of steel.