It’s all coming up roses…

So I did it. I performed in drag last night in Miss Havana at Havana night club. Something I have wanted to try for a while. The only other time I have dressed in drag was in 2003 and we only went to a club. I didn’t get to perform.

I have to say, that I have never felt more beautiful. After my makeup was done, I kept looking at myself in the mirror and I thought “I look like a Vegas Show Girl”.

Being a a heavy all my life, I have struggled with my insecurities. And I can’t ever say I have believed I was physically beautiful.

Last night I was different.

I felt like going out for Miss Havana was something I had to do. Like a right of passage. Once I decided to go for it, nothing was going to stop me.

I didn’t find out until about a week prior and 6days before the event I hurt my knee. I barely could walk. I forced myself to walk and did whatever I could to heal my knee. I was determined to perform.

It was such a great experience.

I know some people do not  understand the drag community and that is their right. I have never been one caught up on gender. For me drag is such an art form, it is entertainment and glamor wrapped up into one.

This was a perfect opportunity for me since it was a camp drag competition. I figured I would play on my insecurities and make a character that loved to eat. Someone that wasn’t afraid to be herself and didn’t conform to what society believes to be beautiful. Someone that promotes loving everyone, regardless of their size. That beauty comes in every shape possible. Big is beautiful!!!

I have always loved theatre, especially musical theatre. I use to have a dream of being on Broadway but gave that up. I went from loving being on stage to being frightened of it. I will admit I was nervous as hell prior to going on stage. The place was packed and all the lights were on.

My number started and there i went… My first bit was to Chris Farly in the Gap Girls SNL skit about fries. I bought some wendys french fries and started mowing down on them not thinking about having to continue to lip sync. Yeah, cut to me almost passing out from choking on a combination of the fries and my wig. You know that feeling when you have something stuck in your throat and your afraid your going to choke? Well that was me during my whole number, at one point I almost had to stop performing but I wasn’t about to let choking stop me!!

I will have to admit I was rather bummed afterwards. I honestly do not remember my number after I started to choke, which was most of the number. For all I knew I was up there just choking and not lip syncing. LOL Rather than concentrate on my routine, i was thinking please don’t choke to death. I felt a bit robbed, because I didn’t get to enjoy the number and I felt like I ruined my chances of ever doing it again. I was letting my negative thoughts get the best of me. Finally I just let it go, and laughed at myself. I have come to learn things don’t always go as you plan them. We have the best intentions but things happen.

I also realized it was my first time and with everything it takes practice. I wasn’t going to let it from ruining the experience. After finding out I did good, I was relieved. For all I knew I made a complete fool of myself. LOL 🙂

I didn’t win but it doesn’t matter because I am already a winner.

Overcoming negativity…

So I recently made the decision to limit what family I had on my facebook.

As much as I love my family, I feel the need to keep things separate for many reasons.

We live in a world that is not always accepting of ones diversities and what makes it tough when it comes from your own family.

You can’t help but let that negativity seep into your conciseness and self esteem.

I have come a long ways but still have room to grow.

I wonder if people ever wonder what their words do to people? You tell someone they are going to hell enough and eventually it will eat at their soul…

Facebook is a way for me to connect. For others it is just a silly place to play games and random apps. Which is fine.

I want people in my inner circle that are accepting of who i am and not judgeful of my ways. Yes I swear occasionally and I am gay, but that doesn’t make me a bad person.

Nor do I feel the need to explain myself or change for anyone. I am me. Accept me or move on.

I come from a religious upbringing. My moms side is very religious.

They are fine as long as you keep everything a secret. Being gay, being molested, etc. They know it happened or exists, just don’t talk about it. It is a horrible feeling to believe that your family accepts your child molester of a cousin over you for being gay. Someone that has caused so much harm to the family versus someone who has done nothing.

I know I am the black sheep. I speak up and stand up for whats right. I do not back down. I am not a believer in keeping someone in your life just because they have a title of father, etc.

Call me what you want: angry, bitter, vengeful… I am just protecting myself. For too long I was left out in the open to be damaged. I won’t allow it any more.

For me it is about boundaries and I choose to set this boundary.

Going to bed irritated…

I know I am not as involved with politics as I should be but it really irritates me that another republican has wormed his way into office and the fact that he is now gloating about it, makes me even more mad.

I really feel that the country is really polarized and it is driving me crazy. People who only care about their needs and those who realize there is more out there.

I want things to change to but I realize it is going to take more time. We did not get to this point over night, so it is going to take longer than a year to fix this.  At least President Obama is trying. Don’t blame him and others for what Bush did.


I read a status of a friend on my facebook about seeing a homeless person pull out of a tooth on the bus.

I was felt very disheartened to read the comments that followed. I thought about responding but felt what good would that do??? Because they obviously can’t see what is there.

So much easier to make fun of or judge, than to have compassion for a human who has had it tough.

People want to have this image of what homelessness means to them, this is how they feel better about making fun or judging. Like they have deserved it or they are probably a drunk or addict.


But the sad thing is the world we live in does not always accept those who are struggling. They much rather discard them, then look in their eyes at their pain.

I read a recent article about the homeless being arrested for sleeping underneath bridges, etc. Where do you expect them to sleep? in the open air?

This might surprise some people but I was homeless for two nights back in 2006. It was probably the scariest time in my life. I had no car to sleep in and was too scared to stay at a homeless shelter in Chicago. The decent shelters had a wait list. I decided to wander the streets, than risk getting robbed at regular shelter. So I did what I could for the next couple of days, I had a small amount of money. I did what I could to find shelter and get rest. At night was the hardest, you could only stay at a starbucks for so long. Finally I need to get some rest, so I found an inconspicuous spot at a park and laid there for a while. I never really feel asleep, too scared that I would get robbed or a cop would come along.

I was one of the fortunate ones. A couple of friends helped to find me places to stay for about a week. I slept on strangers couches. They were angels. They didn’t know me but they opened their homes for me. Finally I got a hold of an old friend and she let me stay with her for a while. I was very blessed. How many people that were in my situation that didn’t have friends to help them out???

It is hard enough to find a job when you have a home, a car and money but take all those away and you see the vicious cycle.

Homelessness can happen to anyone. So the next time you see someone on the streets, rather than judge them, think about what they have been through and who they were before they were homeless. They are human beings and deserve to be treated with respect.

Keeping the connection…

After watching Avatar last sunday, I felt great. The closest to my spiritual side than I have been in a very long time.

I have these sparks of light come into my life but I struggle to keep them going.

Maybe I am expecting to much. Things do not change over night.

The last couple of days I haven’t felt myself.

I am not sure if it is because I started to get sick again, that always sets me in a downward spiral or if it is having to leave my family again.

I really want to change, in so many ways. I am tired of living the life I have lived. But I have became use to some things. Like for one, a messy apartment. I hate that I am messy but most of the time I do not feel cleaning it up.

There are so many things around us both good and bad. I am trying to figure out what parts of myself I want and what I want to let go. I am also trying to figure out how to not take everything on.  I need to learn how to filter things in and out be less of a sponge.

Guess it all takes time and I need to give myself a break.

Something I can’t begin to explain…

Ever since I saw the preview for Avatar, I knew that I wanted to see it. I thought it looked amazing.

Well amazing does not begin to explain what I just saw.

Have you ever experienced something and feel different after it? That is what  I am currently feeling.

The movie is so visually stimulating that if your body and soul were a circuit breaker, it would surely have been blown!!

I feel that the movie has jump started my soul and I was able to tap into my spirituality, which I thought was gone.

When I first layed my eyes on the tree of souls, I felt connected. I knew that I didn’t have to throw away my spirit and my spirituality.

A long time ago, I gave up. Well mother nature didn’t forget me.

I can not remember the last time I have felt so connected and at peace.

When I was in Chicago, I practiced guided imagery. It was another time in my life when I felt connected. I would close my eyes and let the spirit in. When I closed my eyes I would fly. High above the sky. The higher I would fly, the more free I felt.

As the credits passed by, my eyes shut. I began to float high. I could feel my feet lift the ground, yet they were still firmly planted to the ground beneath. My spirit glided through the sky like a bird in flight.

I heard a voice, whether it was my own or my maker I will never know. But it told me I was loved and that it believed in me.

There was a time I believed in my spirituality but through years of pain and misery, it seemed to disappear. My filters became clogged, like an algae filled aquarium.

I think one of the reasons I connected so much with this movie, is that I feel apart of it. My heart was pure and what I endured was similar to what the Na’vi experienced with the aliens (humans) trying to take something by force.

For years, I let others take what was not theirs. My soul was open, I was just a kid. But I am no longer that kid! It is not yours to take, and I am taking it back.

I have a gift, a bright light. I will guard it like the Na’vi guard The Tree of Souls because it is my life force.

I am not a bad person, I am good. I am not ugly, I am beautiful.

You wanted me to believe all those bad things, that was how you kept power over me.

Like a shadow in the night, telling me lies and keeping me scared. Well you are not real, just a shadow that I can stomp out.

If you kept me from the light, you knew I would not survive. Well you were wrong. No amount of darknes, chains or locks will ever keep out the light. It slowly chips away at the darkness you’ve cast, until just a shell remains. Then with one firework of explosion, I am free.

I am not saying that the darkness is gone, because it is all around us. But the light will always overcome any amount of darkness that is thrown its way!!!!

Death frightens me…

I know that it is inevitable.

That death is apart of life but I try to not think of it.

Until I must.

But I really need to prepare myself, especially as I get older.

No one lives forever.

It is really tough for me to think of certain people in my life not being there forever.

Death scares the hell out of me.

After my cousin BJ passed away in 2006, I have been paranoid when people sleep. I am afraid they are dead… I check to make sure they are breathing. It is a horrible feeling.

There have been times where I feel like not going on, but I really don’t want to die. I just want the pain to stop.

What scares me the most is that when I die or anyone else I won’t see or get to feel them again.

Like I said I do not try to think about death, as it blows my mind. But I am bombarded by it. I have had three friends of mine recently lose closed loved ones.

I think the most scary thing is losing my you know who. I even hate to say it, cause I don’t ever want it to happen. Not your father, but your ______… I love her with all my heart and hope she is like my grandmother and lives a long life like her.

After my aunt fran passed away in 1999, it showed me if someone elses mom can die, so can mine.

I think if I had a firm understanding of the afterlife, death would not be so difficult to handle.

I don’t really believe in the whole heaven and hell concept that most christians do. I am not really sure what I believe in. I am pretty sure there is an afterlife, but not sure where we go.

I just want to be able to connect back to the few people I love and care about in this lifetime.


Last night, I did a lot of thinking about my purpose in this life. I didn’t really get a lot figured out.

I still feel a bit disconnected.

I don’t feel like myself. I want to get back who I use to be, well at least the good parts. The creative side to me.

How do you find something you’ve forgotten or misplaced?

What is the key to overcoming insecurities?

I am really trying to believe in myself, it doesn’t come naturally.

I have many doubts.

I hope to go to an art school for my bachelors either Fall 10 or Winter 11. I have to put together a portfolio and that scares the hell out of me. I am not very confident in my work.

Plus, I have to come up with 5-7 drawing pieces. I haven’t seriously done pencil drawings since High School and that was 15 years ago. Most of what I do is computer drawn. I know that I have talent and use to do some nice pieces but it has been a while…

I don’t have everything figured out. I have thought about dabbling in film. Both colleges I am looking at have media studies programs. I know I have a story to be told, just not sure how to tell it.

Last night, I called out to God and I hesitated. I still struggle with my spirituality. My father did a number on my relationship with God and so has many other religious people. They are so caught up in their beliefs they lose sight of the damage they are doing. I am more comfortable thinking of my higher power as mother nature, something more caring and nurturing.

For years, the words God and Jesus would give me panic attacks. That is horrible feeling. Even to this day the word Jesus gives me a bad taste in my mouth, not for the man he was but how people use his name and make me feel less with their judging ways.

I also had this thought that I am tired of accepting the fact that certain people in my life can’t be who I need them to be… My dad and various other people in my life.

Feeling not good enough

I have this fear, that I will grow old alone.

I was single for close to 10years.

The last guy I was interested in, I found out a few months ago that he had a boyfriend now. He was the first guy I had opened up to since the break up with Bobby.

It brought up all the old fears, hurts and insecurities. So I deleted his number because it was just tough. He recently texted me to wish me a happy new year…

And I know now, that I really didn’t know him long enough to be totally heart broken but I think what bothered me most is I felt I wasn’t good enough for him… Those fears and past hurt really can hit you hard…

I know what they say, you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince..  Well I am tired of kissing frogs…

I watch movies like Twilight: New Moon and I wish I could find someone like Edward. Someone to love me so deeply. Part of me thinks it is mere fantasy and not realistic or possible, while another part of me believes in it.

I just want someone who will treat me right and appreciate me..

I am further a long in my life where I no longer feel like I have to have someone to feel complete and I know there are other parts of my life that are just as important like my family, friends, schooling, etc…

I just don’t like feeling bad. I know rejection is never fun. I have to learn to not take things so personal. That is hard to do. If someone knows a trick, let me know! I have to believe in who i am and that someone will eventually see that.

I compare a persons heart to sunken treasure in the middle of the ocean. Worth more than any dollar amount. Why would someone throw it back into the ocean???

Then again my weight comes into issue. I have to fight those negative thoughts. Tell myself they aren’t true.. Just hard sometimes…  This guy that has a boyfriend now, likes guys my size and said i was one of the hottest guys hes been with. So either he was lieing, or why else would he not choose me? I am sure it had to do with connection and the fact I lived in Ohio…  Sure there were many different reasons. But that is where my thoughts start to go…

I know that I have a good heart and have a lot to offer someone… But my fears that no one will like me cause of my body or guys will be scared by my inner qualities, is just sometimes too much….

Regular Soda

One of my biggest downfalls is that I love pop, and I am not talking about diet soda either… I love the sugary sweetness of pop. It just tastes so good.

Now I can tolerate diet soda and at times I do drink it. But it usually just takes one 20oz bottle of regular pop for me to go back to drinking all regular soda. It would be okay if I didn’t drink a whole 2ltr a day.

I know what people say too about diet soda, that it isn’t good for you either. I am sure that is true but right now it is the lesser of two evils. Eventually I plan to phase in drinking water.

Eating healthy is so not fun and tastes so bad. The problem is that I have been eating so healthy for so long that it has become apart of me. Fast food is so quick and easy. With dollar menus and $5 pizza’s it has also became affordable…

Guess I will just take it one step at a time…