I have to admit I am kind of afraid to write this. I fear that people will judge me but I also realize that I have to be honest with myself.
The last couple of days I have been thinking about my life.
The transformation into Puddin Pie, has been amazing. But I wonder if I am putting too much weight into it.
As Puddin Pie, I feel like I can be seen but as my boy counterpart I feel like I am invisible.
The boy side to me I feel ugly. Puddin Pie feels pretty.
I have built these walls up around me. A part of me wants to break free while another part wants to hide some more.
I have been getting depressed lately, like deep depression. I think I am at a cross road and I am very afraid of being in the spotlight. I don’t just mean drag.
What I long for, also scares me and that is connection. I really miss having close friends. I have lived here in Columbus for over two years and I don’t know too many people. Yes, through Puddin Pie I have met some amazing, nice people. It just takes time.
I know I have a good heart and am a nice person but some how I got it in my head that people do not want that. I have learned that isn’t always the case. So I am trying to overcome these hurdles (negative thoughts). Sometimes they are so crippling!!!
Guess that is it for now.