Imma a Cookie “baking” Monster!

I love the holidays and this year has been extra special because of the year I have had… Because of my money situation I haven’t been able to do what I normally do but I have made the best of it… Even though I was only able to buy the kids one gift, I made sure it was a gift they would love! I realize it is not the money you spend, it the amount of thought and love you put with it!

One of my favorite things about the holidays are the baking of christmas cookies… Something about baking, I love… Especially when it comes to devouring them all!!! NOM NOM NOM

Today we made Peanut Butter Kisses… My niece and nephew helped… I don’t bake that often, so I forget how unpredictable it can be! Especially when you are baking with children! When I read my directions, I misread soda to be baking powder! OPPSS… so of course, I PANIC! Because they got to be perfect! Yes, I am a perfectionist… Thankfully after doing some research online, I thought I would be okay. I even found a recipe online that used both baking powder and baking soda… So I just added some soda… Though I was just for sure they were going to taste horrible! πŸ™‚

It was funny to watch the kids. They love to help… until it comes time to clean up! Then they are no where to be found, how smart! πŸ™‚ My niece gets freaked out by peanut butter! LOL My nephew really wanted to crack the egg but I was too worried he’d get egg shell and those are a pain to fish out! πŸ™‚

Then it was the fun part, decorating them… My sister had red and green sugar, and we rolled them into that… They looked so festive… I always struggle with knowing when things are done! I either over bake or under bake! Cut to me panicking again and annoying my Mom, saying “are they done”?

I finally took them out of the oven and I was for sure they didn’t turn out! The baking powder made them bigger than normal and some of them looked like they had air in them because when I put the kiss on top they collapsed! LOL

But to my surprise they were a HIT! and i was happy!

I have to remember to relax and enjoy the moment… It isn’t about how perfect they look, it is how they taste… πŸ™‚

The Christmas Cookie of the Day for tomorrow is going to be Mexican Wedding Cakes… My sister loves them… I must be torturing her and my brother in law, they are on a diet. Sorry guys!!!!

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Sentimental

I am reminded tonight how sentimental I am… I didn’t feel that I could connect with myself or others, so I connected with objects like stuffed animals and blankets…

During a move, years ago, I left behind two really important and sentimental items that had so many memories and comfort attached to them… That til this day, it still upsets me to think that I don’t have them… I wish I would have thought to take them with me when I moved to Chicago…

I use to have this blanket that I slept with until I was at least 20… I would have probably slept with it longer but it started to fall apart… I couldn’t throw it away because it meant too much to me… It was so soft and pretty. It had pastel colors (blue, yellow, green and pink) diagonal colored yarn like fabric. I still can feel and smell it, even though I no longer have it…

The other item that I lost, was this stuffed animal that was a panda bear… My mommy gave him to me as a baby… He was a windup bear that would play “go to sleep”! The times in my life when I was most sad, I would hold it tight and cry myself to sleep to the sound….

These two items gave me such comfort and I desperately wish I still had them…Β  Now whenever I move, I make sure to get the important, meaningful items first…

Just feels like another loss…

I miss the teddy bear the most because my mom gave him to me… Thankfully I still have a few stuffed animals my mom gave to me, but this one was the most special to me. I am not sure why?

I have this memory in my head, of when I was little. My aunt was babysitting me… I remember crying and holding the panda bear because I wanted my mom…. I remember being in the dark, in my mothers room and looking out into the dining room where my aunt was… that is all i can remember…

I can’t seem to let go of this horrible sinking feeling I get when I think of losing my mom… it scares me to death… I use to have this dream where a force field would always keep me from my mom and I could never get to her…

I guess seeing what my mom is going through with losing her mom, brings it close to home… I know my mom wont be with me forever here on this earth and that scares me… She is the one person in this world to show me kindness and love… and I want her with me always… but i know that isn’t possible on this earth…

I guess that is why it upsets me so much that I dont have the panda bear still… cause it reminded me of her so much…

OMG this hurts… the feelings that have surfaced in relation to this post… its that aching feeling you get…

I am just so afraid she will be taken from me to soon. I hope she lives a very long time…

Being angry is okay

Though I know some will disagree with me… If you get poked and proded enough, you get upset….

Especially if people keep telling you the same things over and over again, it gets old… Especially if it is your button… All my life people have been telling me that I don’t have a right to my feelings. Oh what you went through wasn’t bad. Or get over it…

Well you know what, What I went through wasn’t right andΒ I didn’t deserve it. You denying it doesn’t take any of that away. It may make you feel better, but it doesn’t me! So I will continue to tell people what for until I don’t need to anymore…

I have control and the choice to not only my voice but the powerful word of NO!!!

As a survivor of sexual abuse being able to say NO is very powerful and it applies to other situations as well. Right now I need to say no, because it reminds me I have a choice. I don’t have to put up with it. Am I negative right now, probably yes.. and I am angry, hell yes. Will I always be this way NO! πŸ™‚

I have come full circle to the point to realize that people PROJECT. They see me being honest with my feelings and my experiences and it makes their troubles and lives TOO REAL! So they will do whatever it takes to SILENCE ME! The longer I stand up, the harder they will try to pull me down… Even though I know this, it doesn’t make it easier. It gets tiring and it gets OLD real quick…

I have been growing. Earlier I said something like “it is hard to overcome feeling worthless”. I could have said that I was worthless… That is a big step for me. One person could still see the first part as being negative. Even one person commented just get over it… Again typical response and I say FUCK THAT….You get over it! Let me handle it the best way I know how…

and here is the thing, yes it is best to move on… but that takes time… it doesn’t happen over night… and on anyone elses clock or schedule… healing takes a lot of time… it is a process. so the next time you feel the need to tell someone what they should do, look inward at your own life…. be the change you want to see…

at least I am processing my feelings, not hiding them…. i am facing them head on… sure there is a lot more I could be doing but it is all in due time…

ready to move on

after I posted my blog entry in response to my flashbacks tonight, the thought I had is that I am so ready to move on from all of this.

i am tired. so tired… of feeling crippled, feeling alone and feeling scared…

guess i am a bit overwhelmed… i want to be able to function again. get a job, get back into school, do my drag character Puddin, enjoy life, etc…

but i feel so tied down to the abuse right now…

i know it is related to the PTSD but still. i need to pay bills, buy food, pay rent, etc… PTSD doesn’t pay for all that…

i really wish i was never sexually abused. i am sure all survivors wish that… but hopefully my life would have been a lot easier…

i know that I am trying, even though it is slow going… in the process of getting back into therapy… i just need to hang on… but sometimes it seems like this is going to take forever…

i want to be happy again…

Hate the flashbacks…

they hit me when I least expect it… and I can’t seem to get away from them… they are persistent. i feel like i am about to panic… it is like I get transported back to that time and place. i see everything so vividly.

then after they subside I am left feeling awful and numb…

it is especially frustrated when they happen right before bedtime… which doesn’t surprise me, since my abuse revolved around bedtime… so bedtime alone probably is triggering for me… and then after I have them and I can’t sleep… and just fucks up my schedule. it is now after 4am. so frustrating…

Senate fails to overturn DADT. Surprise. Surprise.

As much as this doesn’t surprise me, I am still fucking angry over it! I am really tired of old, white men voting on my rights. I posted on facebook that these men are the same kinds of men that believed in slavery and against women’s rights!

I mean come on, we have a history of trying to oppress certain groups of people… Yet we are the land of the free? I am also tired of these politicians that have no back bones, especially the democrats. Do what we put you in office for!

I think the thing that really gets me upset is that when the judge in California overturned DADT, the government was all like we want to wait until the Pentagon does a report on it to see if it will harm the troops… The Pentagon did their investigation and found that it would not hurt the morale of the troops. So what is the big deal???

Thankfully we have the Supreme courts and judges that will stick to the law… I am starting to lose my faith in President Obama and I am not alone!

Porkchops minus the applesauce

So I ate semi healthy tonight, which was nice. My brother in law had a couple pork chops for me, so I cooked them on the stove… Granted they were fried but they were yummy!

Still drinking my diet soda, so I am proud of myself for that change… I weighed myself the other day at I was hoping to be under 400lbs but that wasn’t the case… I was exactly 400lbs, I guess I thought I had lost more weight than that. I probably lost what I thought, just didn’t realize how much I weighed…

I have also realized how much I love apples. My sister has been getting apples called Honeycrisp. They are very sweet and delicious!

My next goal is to incorporate some physical activity. Getting a job will hopefully help with that… I am nervous about getting a job though. Probably because of my depression and the PTSD.