Imma a Cookie “baking” Monster!

I love the holidays and this year has been extra special because of the year I have had… Because of my money situation I haven’t been able to do what I normally do but I have made the best of it… Even though I was only able to buy the kids one gift, I made sure it was a gift they would love! I realize it is not the money you spend, it the amount of thought and love you put with it!

One of my favorite things about the holidays are the baking of christmas cookies… Something about baking, I love… Especially when it comes to devouring them all!!! NOM NOM NOM

Today we made Peanut Butter Kisses… My niece and nephew helped… I don’t bake that often, so I forget how unpredictable it can be! Especially when you are baking with children! When I read my directions, I misread soda to be baking powder! OPPSS… so of course, I PANIC! Because they got to be perfect! Yes, I am a perfectionist… Thankfully after doing some research online, I thought I would be okay. I even found a recipe online that used both baking powder and baking soda… So I just added some soda… Though I was just for sure they were going to taste horrible! 🙂

It was funny to watch the kids. They love to help… until it comes time to clean up! Then they are no where to be found, how smart! 🙂 My niece gets freaked out by peanut butter! LOL My nephew really wanted to crack the egg but I was too worried he’d get egg shell and those are a pain to fish out! 🙂

Then it was the fun part, decorating them… My sister had red and green sugar, and we rolled them into that… They looked so festive… I always struggle with knowing when things are done! I either over bake or under bake! Cut to me panicking again and annoying my Mom, saying “are they done”?

I finally took them out of the oven and I was for sure they didn’t turn out! The baking powder made them bigger than normal and some of them looked like they had air in them because when I put the kiss on top they collapsed! LOL

But to my surprise they were a HIT! and i was happy!

I have to remember to relax and enjoy the moment… It isn’t about how perfect they look, it is how they taste… 🙂

The Christmas Cookie of the Day for tomorrow is going to be Mexican Wedding Cakes… My sister loves them… I must be torturing her and my brother in law, they are on a diet. Sorry guys!!!!

Sentimental

I am reminded tonight how sentimental I am… I didn’t feel that I could connect with myself or others, so I connected with objects like stuffed animals and blankets…

During a move, years ago, I left behind two really important and sentimental items that had so many memories and comfort attached to them… That til this day, it still upsets me to think that I don’t have them… I wish I would have thought to take them with me when I moved to Chicago…

I use to have this blanket that I slept with until I was at least 20… I would have probably slept with it longer but it started to fall apart… I couldn’t throw it away because it meant too much to me… It was so soft and pretty. It had pastel colors (blue, yellow, green and pink) diagonal colored yarn like fabric. I still can feel and smell it, even though I no longer have it…

The other item that I lost, was this stuffed animal that was a panda bear… My mommy gave him to me as a baby… He was a windup bear that would play “go to sleep”! The times in my life when I was most sad, I would hold it tight and cry myself to sleep to the sound….

These two items gave me such comfort and I desperately wish I still had them…  Now whenever I move, I make sure to get the important, meaningful items first…

Just feels like another loss…

I miss the teddy bear the most because my mom gave him to me… Thankfully I still have a few stuffed animals my mom gave to me, but this one was the most special to me. I am not sure why?

I have this memory in my head, of when I was little. My aunt was babysitting me… I remember crying and holding the panda bear because I wanted my mom…. I remember being in the dark, in my mothers room and looking out into the dining room where my aunt was… that is all i can remember…

I can’t seem to let go of this horrible sinking feeling I get when I think of losing my mom… it scares me to death… I use to have this dream where a force field would always keep me from my mom and I could never get to her…

I guess seeing what my mom is going through with losing her mom, brings it close to home… I know my mom wont be with me forever here on this earth and that scares me… She is the one person in this world to show me kindness and love… and I want her with me always… but i know that isn’t possible on this earth…

I guess that is why it upsets me so much that I dont have the panda bear still… cause it reminded me of her so much…

OMG this hurts… the feelings that have surfaced in relation to this post… its that aching feeling you get…

I am just so afraid she will be taken from me to soon. I hope she lives a very long time…

Being angry is okay

Though I know some will disagree with me… If you get poked and proded enough, you get upset….

Especially if people keep telling you the same things over and over again, it gets old… Especially if it is your button… All my life people have been telling me that I don’t have a right to my feelings. Oh what you went through wasn’t bad. Or get over it…

Well you know what, What I went through wasn’t right and I didn’t deserve it. You denying it doesn’t take any of that away. It may make you feel better, but it doesn’t me! So I will continue to tell people what for until I don’t need to anymore…

I have control and the choice to not only my voice but the powerful word of NO!!!

As a survivor of sexual abuse being able to say NO is very powerful and it applies to other situations as well. Right now I need to say no, because it reminds me I have a choice. I don’t have to put up with it. Am I negative right now, probably yes.. and I am angry, hell yes. Will I always be this way NO! 🙂

I have come full circle to the point to realize that people PROJECT. They see me being honest with my feelings and my experiences and it makes their troubles and lives TOO REAL! So they will do whatever it takes to SILENCE ME! The longer I stand up, the harder they will try to pull me down… Even though I know this, it doesn’t make it easier. It gets tiring and it gets OLD real quick…

I have been growing. Earlier I said something like “it is hard to overcome feeling worthless”. I could have said that I was worthless… That is a big step for me. One person could still see the first part as being negative. Even one person commented just get over it… Again typical response and I say FUCK THAT….You get over it! Let me handle it the best way I know how…

and here is the thing, yes it is best to move on… but that takes time… it doesn’t happen over night… and on anyone elses clock or schedule… healing takes a lot of time… it is a process. so the next time you feel the need to tell someone what they should do, look inward at your own life…. be the change you want to see…

at least I am processing my feelings, not hiding them…. i am facing them head on… sure there is a lot more I could be doing but it is all in due time…

ready to move on

after I posted my blog entry in response to my flashbacks tonight, the thought I had is that I am so ready to move on from all of this.

i am tired. so tired… of feeling crippled, feeling alone and feeling scared…

guess i am a bit overwhelmed… i want to be able to function again. get a job, get back into school, do my drag character Puddin, enjoy life, etc…

but i feel so tied down to the abuse right now…

i know it is related to the PTSD but still. i need to pay bills, buy food, pay rent, etc… PTSD doesn’t pay for all that…

i really wish i was never sexually abused. i am sure all survivors wish that… but hopefully my life would have been a lot easier…

i know that I am trying, even though it is slow going… in the process of getting back into therapy… i just need to hang on… but sometimes it seems like this is going to take forever…

i want to be happy again…

Hate the flashbacks…

they hit me when I least expect it… and I can’t seem to get away from them… they are persistent. i feel like i am about to panic… it is like I get transported back to that time and place. i see everything so vividly.

then after they subside I am left feeling awful and numb…

it is especially frustrated when they happen right before bedtime… which doesn’t surprise me, since my abuse revolved around bedtime… so bedtime alone probably is triggering for me… and then after I have them and I can’t sleep… and just fucks up my schedule. it is now after 4am. so frustrating…

Senate fails to overturn DADT. Surprise. Surprise.

As much as this doesn’t surprise me, I am still fucking angry over it! I am really tired of old, white men voting on my rights. I posted on facebook that these men are the same kinds of men that believed in slavery and against women’s rights!

I mean come on, we have a history of trying to oppress certain groups of people… Yet we are the land of the free? I am also tired of these politicians that have no back bones, especially the democrats. Do what we put you in office for!

I think the thing that really gets me upset is that when the judge in California overturned DADT, the government was all like we want to wait until the Pentagon does a report on it to see if it will harm the troops… The Pentagon did their investigation and found that it would not hurt the morale of the troops. So what is the big deal???

Thankfully we have the Supreme courts and judges that will stick to the law… I am starting to lose my faith in President Obama and I am not alone!

Porkchops minus the applesauce

So I ate semi healthy tonight, which was nice. My brother in law had a couple pork chops for me, so I cooked them on the stove… Granted they were fried but they were yummy!

Still drinking my diet soda, so I am proud of myself for that change… I weighed myself the other day at I was hoping to be under 400lbs but that wasn’t the case… I was exactly 400lbs, I guess I thought I had lost more weight than that. I probably lost what I thought, just didn’t realize how much I weighed…

I have also realized how much I love apples. My sister has been getting apples called Honeycrisp. They are very sweet and delicious!

My next goal is to incorporate some physical activity. Getting a job will hopefully help with that… I am nervous about getting a job though. Probably because of my depression and the PTSD.

FCKH8 f-bomb spectacular

If u can't handle the word "fuck" u probably don't want 2 read this.
i'm just sayin. cause i will B using a lot of Fbombs...

I have to say that the videos made by www.fckh8.com are fucking amazing. If you know me well enough you know that I occasionally will use the F-word…

I love the part of the above video that goes into why many gay teens try to kill themselves:

at school 9 out of 10 queer kids are bullied, beaten and bashed…

lets go to church. jesus loves little children just not the fucking gay ones!

gay teens rejected by parents are 8x more likely to try to kill themselves. if you bully your kids, you bury your kids!

anti gay votes helped slit their throats!

All the above can really work to leave someone feeling defeated and worthless. And if you believe that this is all your life is always going to be, well it is natural to want to ease the pain anyway you can. People don’t realize what all this hate can do to someone. Hate is toxic… Personally I have struggled with thoughts of suicide. I am thankful I have reasons to hold onto life, so many people don’t… You get to a point where you feel so alone and an outcast, that it seems like you have no other choice or way to comfort the pain.

Fuck it gets better. These teens need relief now… They need people to stand up for them in the present day like those in this video… This goes for anyone struggling with the idea of suicide.

Doing nothing is just as harmful as the act itself.

These teens that are bullied probably feel a sense that no one is going to or can do anything to stop the abuse.They feel powerless to stop the pain and abuse. So it doesn’t surprise me that teens are turning to suicide! Especially if you have had to endure anything listed above! If people see others standing up for them and what is right, they might be less likely to do something drastic…

The time is now to fucking stand up! These souls need human connection, not judgments! It should be about fucking LOVE, not hate!

And anyone who says anything cruel or has no compassion for those who kill themselves are FUCKING insensitive pricks. Especially anyone that has the fucking nerve to call someone who committed suicide a coward. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THE FUCKING COWARD! You obviously have not struggled a day in your life. A little fucking compassion goes a long ways! You don’t know who in your life may be thinking about suicide. You don’t want your attitudes about those who commit suicide, stop them from coming to you for support???? So just FUCKING remember that!

If you love the message of FCKH8 and want to help make a difference, buy a tshirt from them!!! The “FCK BULLIES” video is raising funds for queer youth suicide prevention. Organizations like the Trevor Project will benefit from the sales. Their video “FCK PROP 8” has raised over $200,000 for the marriage equality fight! FUCKING ROCK ON!!!

If you are offended by this I FUCKING DON’T CARE! get the fuck over it. 🙂

My abuser was only a year older than me

I have heard this attitude sometimes that boys will be boys… or that it was kids exploring… Well for me it wasn’t exploration. It might be easier for others to accept  the molestation as something more natural than what it really is and that being ABUSE…

This is a subject that makes me RED with anger… I just want to scream. To me it is another way for people to desensitize sexual abuse… They can’t deal with the fact it happens so they justify it by saying it’s just kids being kids… I have heard my aunt say things like that and it kills me!

I read a post on a website for male survivors, that triggered me so deeply I felt like I wanted to scream out loud…

That a child who abuses another child doesn’t really know right or wrong, so they really aren’t guilty…

I was molested at the age of 12. It was the summer of my 6th grade year (would have been 7th grade, if I had not been held back). Even though I didn’t know what was happening to me (i had never had sex or even masturbated), I knew it was wrong! So how could I know it was wrong and not my cousin who was a year older????

I use to hate my cousin. I would hear his name and I would have a melt down. I avoided family functions afraid that I would run into him… While I can surely sympathize with the fact that he was molested by my other cousin Daron, I can’t just let go of the it due to the fact he was a child as well…

I might can forgive his child-self but not sure I can forgive the adult who he has become. Someone who not only denied it happened by said I was drunk when I confronted him over the phone…

Not only does a survivor have to deal with the pain from the abuse but also the stigma and denial from others in regards to the sexual abuse…

The age difference was one of the reasons I didn’t tell anyone for so many years. Plus the fact that he was the same gender and my cousin, caused me to keep it a secret for so many years. If I had been abused by an adult, I might have felt more comfortable to come forward…

Regardless of the age of the abuser, it doesn’t lessen the pain to the victim!

Abuse is abuse, plain and simple.

I have been torn with this idea that my abuser was also a child when he molested me. I know he was molested by my other cousin and I can be sympathetic for what he went through but in the end even as a child he made a choice… Many kids are molested and do not repeat the cycle. I didn’t but he did… I understand that being molested can alter your sexuality but even with me being molested I knew it was wrong to do it to someone else!

So why could I at the age of 12 know it was wrong what he did to me, and him at the age of 13 not know it was wrong?

Regardless if someone is abused by another child, it is still wrong! Even a child is held accountable when they do something wrong. If they steal or physically hurt someone else, they can be arrested and taken to jail. So why doesn’t the same apply to sexual abuse?

Maybe the punishment shouldn’t be the same as for an adult perp but the pain that is done to the victim, is still the same! Others who try to lesson the guilt of the abuser because they were a child, only belittles the victim and his/her pain…

And I am tired of letting it happen! So I will keep voicing my opinions until I have no more breaths of air to gasp… Silence and denial are harmful to all involved.

Yes, he was a child but that doesn’t take away from the fact that it was wrong and he was the one at fault… I didn’t do anything to deserve it or the betrayal from my family. The days of hiding because of others shame and guilt are over!

I have a right to my anger for not only what happened but the negligence of my family for hiding it for so many years. Pretending like nothing ever happened, when so many children were left hurting and still hurt to this day… The elders of my family taught me that they wouldn’t believe what happened to me or do anything about it. Look how they responded to my cousin Daron? Look how his mother (my moms sister) responded to my mom when she confronted her about the abuse of my sibling. My aunt didn’t talk to my mom for a year! He abused over 10 children and no one ever called the authorities.

They knew he was a monster and they let him wander amongst us all, like nothing happened…. and these are the same adults who judge me for being gay and speaking my mind! Plus certain people like my grandmother think both my cousins are the victims. I have never done anything to that woman, to have her treat me the way she did. She pretends nothing ever happened!

Daron has never gotten help, nor has he ever admitted to anything or been remorseful. So how can others in the family live with the fact that this monster is out there to prey on other children???? I am sorry a child molester doesn’t get better on their own, especially one as slimy as this one! How many lives could have been saved if one person had the strength to stand up? How many more lives will be destroyed?

Like a handprint on my heart

This is probably one of my favorite songs from Wicked. It always makes me cry… It reminds me of those who I have came across during my journey through life.

I have come to realize that those we meet, are not always met to stay… We each have our own paths to take. It isn’t always as black and white as we think…

Sometimes these souls are taken from us, while other times it is by choice and other times people just grow apart…

It is this idea, we are who we are today not only because of our experiences but by the people we encounter. Life to me is about growing and learning. Even bad experiences there is something to learn.

Especially when the personal connection we have with someone turns sour, it is easy to just see the negative… Once we can heal from the hurt, it can be nice to see the good you had with that person… It isn’t always all bad…

And for me, it is also important to realize hurt is usually had on both sides. There is never just a one way street… We are human, we make mistakes.

Sometimes it easier said than done when it comes to looking past the negatives you have had in a relationship. Especially when the hurt has been fresh…

I have also come to realize that some people I must love from afar and accept the limitations they have when it comes to loving me. That is the toughest pill to swallow… The key for me is to not take what they say, do or believe about me to heart. It doesn’t reflect my ablity to be loved. It doesn’t make me unlovable…

There are some people who impact us so deeply, that they do leave a handprint on our hearts… These are the people that remind you what love and life are all about… They help you see humanity and mirror who you truly are… When those around you, who are suppose to love and protect you, fail you it is easy to think that is all that exists… These angels help you see the inner good in all…

I sometimes get so carried up in my pain that I forget who I am and the impact I have on others… Just recently this has come to light for me but in the past this has scared me the most.

When I have encountered the people who loved me truly, often I ran from them… Because I didn’t think I deserved that love and I am not even talking about romantic love… Just to know the person see’s you for who you are and not what other’s think you are, is powerful!

That is my biggest regret, that due to the past, I ran from the good.

The happiest I have ever been was when I lived in Chicago from January 2004 until July 2005. I will admit they were some of the worst times too. It was the first time I really started to deal with the sexual abuse I endured as a child and everything else in between…

I had the most friends I ever had and they were good friends. The ones you can count on no matter what. The ones you laugh and enjoy life with… Those were two amazing years filled full of amazing people, that I am for the better for meeting them… Granted I got scared and ran from it all, and have been running ever since but it is a reminder if I once had that, I can have it again…

This is just a small list of all the wonderful people I met during that time:

Eileen Heidi Robin Jessie Jessica Rick Nick Art Stephan Nora Julie Nick Jay Mick Chovy Miguel Angie Lauren Tracey Michael Holly Sue Rhonda David Jason Natalie and so many others…

I also feel like I have to mention a lesbian couple whose names I can’t remember but who I remember fondly and their beautiful children too… I met them and many other of my friends through my good friend Eileen. Who I will always hold a place in my heart for Eileen and my good friend Rick… Two people that were there for me when I needed someone the most…

There are many other people outside of my time in Chicago, that I fondly remember and cherish as well…

I guess what I am saying, is that  I am blessed and though I don’t talk to many of these people anymore, they are still with me. Like a handprint on my heart….