Words do damage…

I wasn’t surprised to hear of that a school board member from Arkansas has wished for the suicides of all gay people. Nor was I was surprised to hear this bigot say this “I also enjoy the fact that they often give each other aids and die”! Such hatred and loathing, and to think he is a school board member.

Bullys come in any age. They don’t just have to be teenager classmates.

People don’t realize how damaging words can be. When I first came out in 1995, one of the many hateful things my father said to me was “That I was going to get AIDS and die alone”! He also told me that I had always wanted to lose weight and I would from having AIDS.

It has been 15 years and those words still affect me to this day. Plus being told over and over that your going to hell, can fuck with your self esteem.

After hearing these individuals spout such hatred, no wonder so many gays are killing themselves. Plus on top of that all the hate crimes that still occur. Bullying is not a behavior that you are born with, it is learned. So these teens that are doing the bullying, have had to get it from a parent or someone else close to them.

I am surprised when other gay people are so insensitive with those who are killing themselves by calling them pussies, etc. Anyone that kills themselves are tortured souls. A little compassion goes a long ways. I often wonder if these people have gone through a tough time or been constantly beat down by others?

If you are constantly told one thing, you start to believe it. Especially if your world is surrounded by negativity or if it comes from someone like a parent. It does damage that takes many years to heal.

I do think it is great that hate is starting to become very unacceptable. These people need to be called out. So do the adults who sit back and do nothing. Look at that school in Mentor, Ohio where at least four students killed themselves in a two year period. So many people don’t want to get involved for various different reasons. It is great finally this is getting the exposure that is needed and hopefully more people will start to stand up!

“A strong man stands up for himself, a stronger man stands up for others.” The Barnyard Movie

Advertisements

In the ruins of her ice water mansion…

The 35th anniversary of the sinking of the Edmund Fitzgerald is coming up on November 10, 1975. The song by Gordon Lightfoot is amazing. Everytime I hear it, it gives me chills. It is a haunting tribute to the 29 crewmen who lost their lives that tragic night so long ago. These men were no match for the cold waters of Lake Superior. They probably did not know what hit them because no distress signals were ever received. Later it was found that the ship had broken in half.

“The legend lives on from the Chippewa on down
Of the big lake they call Gitche Gumee
Superior, they say, never gives up her dead
When the gales of November come early.”

Tragically they were only 17 miles away from Whitefish Bay!

Lake Superior has taken many ships prisoner in her icy tomb.

This is what I found from wikipedia in regards to the number of ships lost in the cold waters of Superior:

“Although it is among the most well known and the largest vessel lost, the Fitzgerald is not alone on the bottom of the Great Lakes. In the time period between 1816 when the Invincible was lost to the sinking of the Fitzgerald in 1975, the Whitefish Point area has claimed at least 240 ships. The Great Lakes have had a long history of nautical disaster with nearly 6,000 shipwrecks occurring between 1878 and 1897. Nearly one quarter of these shipwrecks were listed as total losses and a total of 1,166 lives were lost in this 20 year time period. The total number of casualties over more than 300 years of Great Lakes shipping is likely more than 25,000. Some ships and crews simply vanished in storms as the SS Carl D. Bradley did in November 1958. The Bradley, nicknamed the “Queen of the Lakes”, was at one time the largest freighter on the lakes until the Wilfred Sykes was launched. Thirty-three crew members perished in the sinking of the Bradley with two crew members surviving. A loss of even greater magnitude, measured by the number of ships involved and lives lost, occurred during the Great Lakes Storm of 1913 which has been referred to as a ‘freshwater snow-filled hurricane’.”

What is this ridiculous obsession with love?

I had been wanting to see this movie since it first came out, not because of the theme of the movie but who was in it. well mostly, i could care less about Taylor Swift or Kanye for that matter. I love Julia, Jennifer, both Jessicas, Anne, Queen Latifah, Kathy and Shirley! Plus hottie Eric Dane. Though it made me cry and made me sad, it had me questioning some things…

Like for example, are we put on this planet to meet our matches? This movie and others out there, have this fairy tale, idealistic view on love… Granted Patrick and Jessica Alba did not fair well in this movie. Though I guess this movie wasn’t just about relationship love… for example the love of Julia for her son… Maybe its my jadism (and yes I made up this word, well disorder. its being jaded. lol) that causes me to be skeptical of the idea of love and partnering with your perfect other half? I watch these movies and it makes me hopeful but what happens if it doesn’t happen? I will just be disappointed and broken hearted… and we all know how that goes.

I will have to say my favorite part of the movie is when Jennifer gets her revenge. There is something about a woman scorned that I love. been there… I also loved it when she took that baseball bat and beat the hell out of that heart shaped pinata! Who hasn’t ever wanted to do that??!!??!

Where do these messages come from, the ones that say you have to have a man to be happy? I am tired of being the victim of this. I wish everyone had the relationship that Hector and Shirley McClain had, though even their relationship wasn’t perfect. How many people do you know marry their high school sweethearts and are with that person til death? I think for gay people thats hard for that to happen. I know they exist but how realistic is that?

I saw the opposite of that. I saw my Dad treat my mom like crap for years and my mom put up with it for over 30years. Where is her storybook ending? and where is mine?

Maybe I will end up being that old woman that has a ton of cats? The one thing I have learned about my last relationship, is what to do and what not to do! and how I want and deserve to be treated.

So if I can learn that about another person, why can’t i seem to get it through my head how I treat myself?

am i that dense? šŸ™‚

Why do I keep putting myself through this?

Why do I feel that I am so unloveable?

Could it be that people I have needed to love me, just didn’t have the capacity to do so? and I took it personal?

and I know what people will say, you are lovable…

well if I am so lovable why have so many people gone running? šŸ™‚ now answer that one? šŸ™‚

Am I punishing myself? I have recently realized I blame myself for my parents divorce. (hope mom doesn’t read this)

Why am I going to all ends of the earth to find love, like im on a cliff hanging for dear life?

This all started over a man over 7 years ago… Spent my rent money on a man… well to be able to afford to go on a trip with him to chicago… and well few months later it didn’t work out and I had to move out of my apartment. I should have just paid my rent and said to hell with the man. see where it got me?

Then add on top of it sex. Blah… Women say men have it easy… well thats probably true… but for a gay man… its hell.. especially when your sensitive and have a heart… Not only do I have the plumbing of a man but I have the waterworks of a woman. makes it hell… Plus I got wrapped into the who something is better than nothing scenario! and the whole if i don’t have sex with him, he wont like me crap! and if that wasn’t enough add the baggage of being sexually abused as a kid… A melting pot for a disaster waiting to happen…

I am really at the point where I am like, take it away. I don’t want it. This isn’t who i am! So why do I keep doing this? It certainly isn’t going to get me love or happiness? It is like trying to roll the dice and get the actual number 7… Never going to happen.

My relationships or lack of seem to consist in guys only seeing me as a sex object. They only want sex out of me, I know this and I keep hanging on hoping their feelings will change for me. Again NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN… But I do this with other types of relationships. I hold onto people who don’t treat me well, hoping they’d change… Why does it take me getting burned repeatedly for me to learn?

I have a hard time letting go…

I really need to stop internalizing all this and stop taking things personal. but it is hard to do. especially when you’ve done it all your life!

I need to start being myself or at least work on finding myself. the real me, not the me I think everyone can handle!

Sometimes you just got to dig yourself out of the landfill one piece of trash at a time…

and that is what I am going to do!!!

fuck it, i don’t care…

so I have got the attitude all of the sudden of not giving a shit… maybe its the depression… but it kind of feels nice.

I am tired of trying to get peoples approvals, tired of trying to get people to like me… especially those who have NO reason to not like me…

I am tired of tolerating peoples bad behaviors…

so fuck it all to hell…

life is too short…

So I took a leap of faith…

and asked for help. I emailed my therapist I use to see years ago in Chicago, who happens to now live in Michigan. I am hoping she can refer me to a place that offers counseling for those without insurance…

because I need help… I am still struggling. I can’t seem to get myself out of this hole.

Again, I have gotten myself behind with my homework and attempting to do it almost gives me panic attacks.

I am tired of feeling this way. Miserable…

It feels like it is not going to get better. This is it… and I know I am hearing the messages of “it gets better” but I doubt it for myself. I am not going to kill myself, but I feel stuck here… My life keeps ending up this way… Where I spiral out of control and hide… I am tired of feeling crippled by the need to hide…

I feel very lost. I am not even sure who I am anymore or where I want to be?

Old fears have surfaced, and so have old hurts. I am jumpy. not myself. over sleeping. over eating at times and under eating at other times. not wanting intimacy.

Everything just seems to be too much…

I am so fragile. Like a flower that has wilted and on the brink of crumbling…

Schooling use to be so important to me… and I feel like a failure, especially since I am on the brink of failing another quarter. If I fail one class this quarter, I will most likely loss my financial aid.

I have a midterm to take by Saturday night and I haven’t began to study and its a history class. which I am not good at memorizing things… so overwelmed… plus I am way behind in my other two classes.

Things have been tense with my family, by my doing. I know they care and don’t know how to help me… I don’t know how to help me. I am sure they are frustrated.

I keep thinking I am just like my father, a failure… a fuck up… a loser… i am just being honest…

plus I keep thinking of bobby… I dream about him… i think about him in the little things we use to do, the products we use to buy together, etc. i miss him… i want to add him back to my facebook but not sure that is a good idea…

it has been very nice to be around my family, especially the kids… i can feel the worst and come upstairs to my nieces and nephew, and they make the troubles go away…

but I still dont feel I can reach out for support. my own doing I am sure…

I just want to start feeling better… Life is too short and it feels like I am wasting it… but i have very little motivation to change it…

I have been making small steps. I have started to filter in diet soda… I finished one essay out of five that were due today… Just seems to not be enough…

Take care of each other better…

So this is something I recently realized that I have a problem with and that being “taking things personally”! It is killing me! I want to let go of it but am struggling to do so! I am not really sure why?

I have this inherant need to want everyone to like me and when they don’t I take it personally. Like it has something to do with me. Either I am too much or not enough! Maybe it is because I have internalized my own fathers feelings toward me?

I think I am a nice guy and a good person but I have got a complex about that. I got it in my head thatĀ people get scared by that. Like I am too much?

Coming out as Puddin Pie has been somewhat troublematic for me. Puddin is ultimately who I am inside but for various reasons I have hid. Plus performing as Puddin has allowed me to revive a dream of mine and that was to be on broadway. Which I thought was done with…

Going into the drag world insecure and codependant has had its struggles, especially with making friends. It made it tough to take the risks needed. The last time I ventured out into the world was my short stint in gay activism and I went running from that world!

The biggest question I had and still have is how do you know who you can trust? Even people you have known for a while can let you down… Plus in the drag world the people you get to know aren’t always your friends. You see them out and about, but they are hardly friends. People are nice to your face but say stuff behind your back. I am sure it happens all over but when you think you have a connection with that person it can hurt. Plus you have the negative aspects of the drag world and many times I have considered giving up on Puddin but I have realized that it is too important for me to give up. And when I can get healthy again, I know it can beĀ a vehicle to help others out there.

I have struggled living in a world that doesn’t always embrace being different, especially being nice. People can be so mean and cruel, even your own family can be such… and when you are surrounded by that, you think that is all that is out there. Like with my father, my cousin, my grandmothers and others who have hurt me.

You have enough people hurt you and it becomes you…

There is a part of being a nice person, if you take it far, it can cause you to get walked all over. I have always struggled with having balance. Taking care of myself but still being a good person. In the past, I have gave all of myself.

So how do you be a nice person in a world that isn’t always so nice? I thought about Jesus. I know I was surprised myself! (not that I am about go back to that way of thinking. its not for me.) Take away the religious aspect of Jesus and think about his life… He was a good person and was very nice. At least that is what we are told. Look how he was treated. He was perscuted for his beliefs and crusifed by his own people. Surprisingly that comforted me. He was a nice guy and the fact that he was murdered for being nice, didn’t make him a bad guy. So why does it make me one?

I think thats why I have such a problem with the Christian faith and anyone that uses hate and fear to describe God and Jesus. Look how Jesus treated Mary Magadalin? Did he stone her, did he publically denounce her? So why do so many Christians do the same to gay people…

Those who denonce gay people like the Westboro Church and everyone like them, are doing to us what those did to Jesus!

I have overcame some be hurdles recently but I have more to overcome. I have had a couple of bad days and it always hits me just like a cement truck. I get thrown for a loop and it is always hard to get back up but I do!

I have often wondered why some in the gay community has treated other gay people so poorly? Is it because the years of discrimination and hate they faced? Being a fat guy in the gay world, certainly has not been easy. Maybe I am a bit jaded but I feel differently about everyone jumping on the bandwagon in regards to the gay youth suicides? Where these people years ago? Where were these people when they actually needed someone? and what about all those who were bullied through out their school years and grew up to be adults who struggle? and what about after the dust settles will these people really follow through when a stranger comes to them for help? or will they turn their backs because they don’t want to get involved?

Bullying doesn’t just happen at school, it is all around us… You would think these tragedies would open others eyes and they would look inward to how they treat others but I wonder if they will? It should be a reminder that we all need to be more accepting, less judgementful and more willing to do what is right versus what best suits us.

Growing up in family of sexual abuse, I learned all to well how most people don’t want to get involved. People don’t want to be trouble or cause conflict but if we don’t become advocates of children who will? Because I have learned those that are suppose to protect the kids sometimes fail at doing so.

How many kids slip through the cracks because people don’t want to get involved and they become half human beings. Adults who struggle with fuctioning. They either turn into victims or continue the cycle and become monsters themselves. Kind of like vampires, they need others blood to live and survive…

I do think there is a crisis out there but it has been going on for a long time. How many suicides have been unreported and how many adults have killed themselvesĀ as well? The whole saying “Sticks and Stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you” is wrong. Words are like daggers, use enough of them and they will cause bloodshed!

I think it is great that people are starting to talk about it but I hope they don’t forget about it and they think about how they treat other people. They say be the change you want to see. When I first joined the drag community, I thought for once I will be accepted with open arms. If anyone has understood what it is like to be opressed and treated badly is a man that likes to perform in makeup, wigs and makeup! But I have found, it is just like the rest of the world, it is not perfect. But we can do better. I have seen and heard some things that have made me reconsider why I wanted to do drag. I have seen and heard how some girls treat others. It is a lot like High School. You have the popular kids, the jocks, the nerds and the misfits. Everyone wants to be popular and some are willing to do whatever it takes to get there! Some don’t care who they have to climb over to get there and I think thats tragic.

The new girls want to get in the spotlight and the seasoned girls don’t want to give up the spotlight. This all can cause a troublesome mix. No one is entitled to anything!

I think thats the problem with art, people don’t always do it for the right reason. Some do it for the spotlight or the money! Not that doing drag is always lucrative… I am more talking about other avenues of art…

All these years I have been looking for a community that will embrace me for who I am and in the end it has to be me. Cause the world will always fail you.

I have to take care of me…