So this is something I recently realized that I have a problem with and that being “taking things personally”! It is killing me! I want to let go of it but am struggling to do so! I am not really sure why?
I have this inherant need to want everyone to like me and when they don’t I take it personally. Like it has something to do with me. Either I am too much or not enough! Maybe it is because I have internalized my own fathers feelings toward me?
I think I am a nice guy and a good person but I have got a complex about that. I got it in my head that people get scared by that. Like I am too much?
Coming out as Puddin Pie has been somewhat troublematic for me. Puddin is ultimately who I am inside but for various reasons I have hid. Plus performing as Puddin has allowed me to revive a dream of mine and that was to be on broadway. Which I thought was done with…
Going into the drag world insecure and codependant has had its struggles, especially with making friends. It made it tough to take the risks needed. The last time I ventured out into the world was my short stint in gay activism and I went running from that world!
The biggest question I had and still have is how do you know who you can trust? Even people you have known for a while can let you down… Plus in the drag world the people you get to know aren’t always your friends. You see them out and about, but they are hardly friends. People are nice to your face but say stuff behind your back. I am sure it happens all over but when you think you have a connection with that person it can hurt. Plus you have the negative aspects of the drag world and many times I have considered giving up on Puddin but I have realized that it is too important for me to give up. And when I can get healthy again, I know it can be a vehicle to help others out there.
I have struggled living in a world that doesn’t always embrace being different, especially being nice. People can be so mean and cruel, even your own family can be such… and when you are surrounded by that, you think that is all that is out there. Like with my father, my cousin, my grandmothers and others who have hurt me.
You have enough people hurt you and it becomes you…
There is a part of being a nice person, if you take it far, it can cause you to get walked all over. I have always struggled with having balance. Taking care of myself but still being a good person. In the past, I have gave all of myself.
So how do you be a nice person in a world that isn’t always so nice? I thought about Jesus. I know I was surprised myself! (not that I am about go back to that way of thinking. its not for me.) Take away the religious aspect of Jesus and think about his life… He was a good person and was very nice. At least that is what we are told. Look how he was treated. He was perscuted for his beliefs and crusifed by his own people. Surprisingly that comforted me. He was a nice guy and the fact that he was murdered for being nice, didn’t make him a bad guy. So why does it make me one?
I think thats why I have such a problem with the Christian faith and anyone that uses hate and fear to describe God and Jesus. Look how Jesus treated Mary Magadalin? Did he stone her, did he publically denounce her? So why do so many Christians do the same to gay people…
Those who denonce gay people like the Westboro Church and everyone like them, are doing to us what those did to Jesus!
I have overcame some be hurdles recently but I have more to overcome. I have had a couple of bad days and it always hits me just like a cement truck. I get thrown for a loop and it is always hard to get back up but I do!
I have often wondered why some in the gay community has treated other gay people so poorly? Is it because the years of discrimination and hate they faced? Being a fat guy in the gay world, certainly has not been easy. Maybe I am a bit jaded but I feel differently about everyone jumping on the bandwagon in regards to the gay youth suicides? Where these people years ago? Where were these people when they actually needed someone? and what about all those who were bullied through out their school years and grew up to be adults who struggle? and what about after the dust settles will these people really follow through when a stranger comes to them for help? or will they turn their backs because they don’t want to get involved?
Bullying doesn’t just happen at school, it is all around us… You would think these tragedies would open others eyes and they would look inward to how they treat others but I wonder if they will? It should be a reminder that we all need to be more accepting, less judgementful and more willing to do what is right versus what best suits us.
Growing up in family of sexual abuse, I learned all to well how most people don’t want to get involved. People don’t want to be trouble or cause conflict but if we don’t become advocates of children who will? Because I have learned those that are suppose to protect the kids sometimes fail at doing so.
How many kids slip through the cracks because people don’t want to get involved and they become half human beings. Adults who struggle with fuctioning. They either turn into victims or continue the cycle and become monsters themselves. Kind of like vampires, they need others blood to live and survive…
I do think there is a crisis out there but it has been going on for a long time. How many suicides have been unreported and how many adults have killed themselves as well? The whole saying “Sticks and Stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you” is wrong. Words are like daggers, use enough of them and they will cause bloodshed!
I think it is great that people are starting to talk about it but I hope they don’t forget about it and they think about how they treat other people. They say be the change you want to see. When I first joined the drag community, I thought for once I will be accepted with open arms. If anyone has understood what it is like to be opressed and treated badly is a man that likes to perform in makeup, wigs and makeup! But I have found, it is just like the rest of the world, it is not perfect. But we can do better. I have seen and heard some things that have made me reconsider why I wanted to do drag. I have seen and heard how some girls treat others. It is a lot like High School. You have the popular kids, the jocks, the nerds and the misfits. Everyone wants to be popular and some are willing to do whatever it takes to get there! Some don’t care who they have to climb over to get there and I think thats tragic.
The new girls want to get in the spotlight and the seasoned girls don’t want to give up the spotlight. This all can cause a troublesome mix. No one is entitled to anything!
I think thats the problem with art, people don’t always do it for the right reason. Some do it for the spotlight or the money! Not that doing drag is always lucrative… I am more talking about other avenues of art…
All these years I have been looking for a community that will embrace me for who I am and in the end it has to be me. Cause the world will always fail you.
I have to take care of me…