warm start to summer

It’s warm out. Thank goodness for ac! A pool would be nice! Hopefully it will stay warm so that the kids can enjoy the summer! It was such a cold summer last year!

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Depression is such a downer…

Truly it is no pun intended, well maybe a little bit…

It puts your mind in a muck field… everything is murky…

Eventually you get so surrounded by darkness, that you can’t help but want to dig your way out of it. at times it just seems so much… You dig yourself out from underneath one pile of dirt and another one is throw upon your head.. Seems impossible to get out from all that dirt!!!

Depression clouds your judgment. You look out unto the world with negative shades on. You begin to question everything and everyone. Nothing is as it seems or as it was…

Everything becomes a challenge and a struggle. Things that were easy, now areĀ  the most difficult. Even tasks like showering, brushing your teeth and making dinner seem to be too much…

I just want to hide but after I do for long periods I feel awful.

I would like to say that my depression just appeared out of no where but honestly I have probably been depressed for a very long time and I just recently hit bottom…

My family thinks that drag caused me to spiral into this depression. I don’t think it caused it but it may have broke the camels back…

My coping skills are very lacking. I know the tools but I am not motivated to use them.

My coping skill is hiding. I learned it a long time ago when I was sexually abused. I learned to hid underneath my pillow to make the problem go away. So as an adult when I have a problem or meet a difficult situation I hide!

It is a hard habit to break.

I have trouble trusting people. I have trouble even trusting myself. My niceness is sometimes taken advantage of, at least in the past. So it has caused me to be very leery in the present.

I have started to take an anti-depressant, though I still am hesitant. I guess it is the stigma plus the difficulty in getting it due to not having insurance….

On it I have side effects, like crazy dreams, sweating, and an occasional panic attack…. If I don’t take it I really get depressed… No fun at all…

I am still in Michigan, have been for the past few weeks. I am struggling returning to Ohio… Guess I am running a bit…

I had made the decision to move back to Michigan last fall and had planned on moving back this July… But with me getting involved in Drag I started to think I was building a life for myself. One filled full of lots of friends…

And I am not going to say that I haven’t met people but I have struggled to make deep friendships. Yes, I see people out at the bars etc… but six months later I find myself at the same point… A world with few real connections…

So I am back to square one… Do I move back to be closer to my family or do I stick it out in Columbus?

I have mixed feelings about drag, especially now that I have become so depressed… Right now it seems to be to much work… I am not saying that I am giving it up.. I just need to focus on feeling better and getting back into the swing of things at school.

There are things about the drag community that I love and others I am not so fond of… So time will tell where my place is in that world… I do realize this, that I can do drag anywhere…

One thing the past six months have taught me is the importance of self. Anytime you put your center in an outside force it will always dissapoint you!! ALWAYS….

So I need to continue to put myself first and do what it takes to feel better…

Guess I just need to take it one day at a time…