Bullying… It won’t stop until adults stop doing it!

So I have a love/hate relationship with RuPaul’s Drag Race…  I love all things Drag but after watching the first episode of  the All Star edition it reminded me of all the things about the show I dislike… I know it is TV but I find myself asking myself, REALLY???

If I personally hadn’t dabbled in drag for about six months I wouldn’t have the insight that I do about many things. In that short time I learned A LOT about the Drag community. Honestly the show is very much real life. You have the heathers (the ones who think they are better than everyone else)… You have the clowns (the comedy/camp queens), the ones that everyone makes fun… You have the beauty queens (the pageant queens). The misfits (Sharon Needles, Tammie Brown, etc). I mean it all just like High School, even with teachers who also do their own bullying… SANTINO!!!

This week episode confirms quite a few things about the show and the queens in it…  It reminded me how as adults we bully each other just as much as kids bully other kids, if not more… Where do you think they learn it from? Their family, friends, media, etc… I know that drag has a level of reading, but there is a line.

I think many of the queens miss out on the real prize and it isn’t the $100,000 grand prize or the fame. It is the experience they have and what they learn from it. RuPaul is notorious for saying “If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” This goes both ways and it isn’t just for romantic love. An ego can be confused for love as well.

During the Untucked episode (which is all the behind the scene footage)  most of the drags (over 10) bullied one of the drag queens, some very viciously. I know it is tv, and it makes for good television but what message are you sending the world? For me, it takes away not only the illusion but the art of drag itself.

What I see is a bunch of broken individuals who feel the only way they can get the spotlight is by extinguishing someone else’s light. I found this own during my own time as Puddin Pie. Some drag queens were so desperate to get into the spotlight they didn’t care whoever they walked all over. All they wanted was the fame and attention.

Another problem I have had with RPDR in general is this idea of what real drag is. Anyone who has watched the show can see it is obvious what they feel is acceptable and normal. I am honestly shocked ( well maybe not really) that Sharon Needles won… but again she wasn’t a comedy/camp queen either. That is the genre of drag that I feel they really stick their noses down at. Just look at any critiques, especially from Santino… I am sorry but the whole stick with a comedy queen is not high fashion, that is not who they are… Again Santino was knocking Pandora Boxx down for her clothing. People go to see these queens not for what they where, they go for their personalities and what they present on stage. Honestly I think people are intimidated by comedy queens because it takes a lot of nerve and talent to do what they do. They don’t just rely on pretty, and honestly with makeup… ANYBODY CAN BE PRETTY!!!

Not everyone can be funny.

Even how they gave Pandora and Mimi their group name “Mandora” set them up…

The other thing I have found interesting about RPDR is that they judge a lot of the show on superficial things. The only time you see them perform is when they lip sync for their lives. Rarely do you get to see them perform live. Isn’t stage presence an important part of being a drag queen? But this isn’t really what my blog post is about…

Sure RuPaul is probably one of the most famous drag queens but she is about the only one of her genre of drag who was famous, other than comedy queens prior to RPDR. What do Varla, Lady Bunny, Jackie Beat, Lily Savage, Coco, Dame Edna, and Divine all have in common? Comedy… They became famous for their acts not for being on some reality competition.

Watching that show last night made me angry, I am still fuming!!!

Even during Mimi’s lip sync versus Chad Michaels, Chad didn’t even compare. Mimi out performed Chad hands down, she even changed outfits during the number. She gave personality that I didn’t see with Chad. Yet her and Pandora was the one sent home. I mean did I miss something? I believe it boils down to styles of drag, and it is obvious they don’t like Pandora or Mimi’s style. The biggest question why have them on there??? Like RuPaul says she has the ultimate say… I have to wonder how big of an ego RuPaul has… That is another topic for another day…

Even the queens I had come to love like Latrice, JuJu, Pandora, etc I was disgusted with. Sure some weren’t as vocal in the bullying but they certainly didn’t stand up. All they appeared to me to be were a bunch of children preying on the weakest link. Not to mention Pandora’s attitude being paired with Mimi…

I left the show not caring to ever watch it again. I have also unliked all these so called queens facebook pages.

I find it ironic that what they were berating Mimi for, was the exact same thing they were doing. I also love this whole we are sisters crap, yeah maybe wicked step sisters like Cinderella had. You can’t pick and chose the parts of family you believe in. Let’s be clear most of them see it as a competition and will do WHATEVER it takes to win. Even if it means making someone cry.

Which reminds me of the season of the HEATHERS. Which embodies this whole nose turning down thing. How low do you have to feel to be like this? Anyone who is in drag knows of the term booger queen. What makes anyone the ultimate queen of what is and isn’t acceptable drag??? Plus everyone starts somewhere. If you look at a lot of these polished queens they weren’t always like that. Rather than constantly beat others down, why don’t we try to build them up???

I guess watching RPDR really turns me off towards drag, and that is a shame. I know I am not alone. I almost think there RuPaul is her own genre… She/he doesn’t speak for everyone, nor is he the end all of Drag… I just think with all the bullying going on and the teenagers killing themselves over it we have a responsibility as the gay peers of the community. Whether they want it or not, they are in the limelight and they could do so much good for the world, yet they choose not to. They are totally missing the mark…

Even drag queens like Latrice Royale who spent time in prison didn’t treat Mimi with the same kind of compassion. I wonder how that is? If anyone should know what it is like to overcome a bad choice it should be him!!! People make mistakes, it is apart of life. Sure Mimi picking up her competitor during their lip sync for their life was wrong but she got kicked off for it. A lot of the queens were like Mimi shouldn’t be here… yada, yada, yada…. What is it to them? They are their and if they believe that she isn’t on their level, it just means one less spot to the 100k! The only reason they point it out, is for face. Just to cause drama.

Then I think of the concept of the All Stars being paired with another queen for the rest of the show, and both being kicked off. If they were in pursuit of the best All Star they would never do this. For one, each queen has their different style and two if one queen doesn’t perform to par the other goes down with the ship. Lets be real, you knew that none of those queens would have picked Mimi or Pandora… Okay!!!! So they might as well set them up… If RuPaul was all about lifting people up, why would he set them up to fail??? There are flaws there… cracks in her makeup if you might say…

Even queens like JuJu who wasn’t the most fashion forward or popular to the judges the first time around, now all of a sudden was best friends with Raven? Raven isn’t known for her niceness. It reminds me of in high school when those who team up with the bullies in order to not get bullied themselves.

With all the bullying and teen suicides happening don’t we as a community have a responsibility to them? Kids learn what they see and not just from their family. RuPaul and her show has put a famous face to the gay community. I guess this whole philosophy that Ru has doesn’t fit into line with the concept of the show because a lot of what goes on has nothing to do with love. It is about tearing down someone else.

I am angry, FUCKING angry. I think partially because it reminds me of my own experience and how others in the past have made me feel for being different. So now when I see injustices I just want to SCREAM!!! I want to say wake the fuck up people.

I think what if a gay youth happens to see the show? What will they think??? I don’t think they will feel good about their own personal experiences.

If they really want to be true superstars not only do they have to have talent and charisma but they have to have heart. Honestly I don’t see much of that on RPDR. Just a bunch of mimi-rupaul wannabes… and those feeling left out because they don’t fit into that mold…

That is when you step out of that mold and realize that you will never fit into their realities because not only is it built for them but often times it is skewed.

And during that whole incident with Mimi, not one person stood up and said enough is enough… Not one person!!! Which reminds me of what happens when a kid is bullied, that happens all the time. All it takes is one person to step up, just one… Kids have an excuse, they are young and impressionable. Adults on the other hand, DO NOT!!!

I will not be watching another episode of All Stars and I am considering not watching the new season of the regular edition. It has become to difficult to stomach. So I will take a stand and say enough is enough. The only shade I find comforting is under a big old tree during a hot sunny day.

A star is a light that is meant to shine brightly. It is meant to bring light to the world, not burn those they encounter…

Is That All There is to Gay Online Community?

In therapy this week, I talked about how the internet has been both my friend and enemy. How at times it is an outlet for my feelings and emotions, and other times it doesn’t give me what I need. For as long as I can remember I have used the internet for meeting people. When I got my first computer at the age of 19 in 1995, I can remember the AOL chat rooms. I also can remember easily being able to start up platonic conversations with people. Through those chat rooms I even met a really a good friend.

Now days I struggle with having meaningful interactions with people online. I am not sure if it is because I am older or a bit jaded, or if things really have changed? Maybe it is a little of all three. On various apps like Growlr, Scruff, Grindr, etc I send out friendly platonic message and rarely do I ever get a response back. It is easy to allow it to make you feel less. I still catch myself taking it personal.

Even on Growlr, which is a site for bears, I struggle with getting responses. I have noticed that muscle bears are the most popular, and the ones the site usually features on their facebook page. I guess I have always saw bears as being more on the husky side but with the popularity increase of the community things have changed. Plus you have the whole masculinity label, in which I don’t adhere to. Seeing things like masculine only, no one overweight, no fems or flammers is a common occurrence. I have always struggled with the whole concept of masculinity. It all depends on whose definition of masculinity you go by. I have no issue with masculinity but what I do have an issue with anti-femininity. Some see these two concepts as a gender and I don’t think that is all that healthy. Personally I have both masculine and feminine traits, and I am proud of all of them.

The problem with labels is that many times you don’t fall into that category, you feel left out or less. I have found myself questioning what parts of myself do I include on Growlr and Scruff. Finally I just said fuck with it, you like me for me or not at all but that has taken years and I still fall into that trap.

I find that so many of these sites are centered around sex, especially on websites like Adam4Adam, or even Bear411. These sites have numerous adds for porn with x rated pictures plastered all over the page. I understand sites like A4A that are free to members, have to make money but I still am very turned off by those sites. There are some who argue that websites lie A4A are for hooking up and maybe that is so, but I know there are others on there who are looking for more than just sex.

Thankfully on apps for the iPhone and Android x-rated pictures are not allowed. Though they feel just like a meat market as well. They just have their meat behind the case and not in plain sight.

As much as I struggle with this all, I can see how our community has become this. Socially we aren’t taught to accept ourselves for who we are. Even in the culture and media outside of the LGBT community there is a feminine stigma. Just look how some republicans view Women still to this day. We are not taught to embrace love, so in return we do the same to each other.

I can relate to whole hooking up world. There was a time that I was caught up into it. I didn’t feel like I could get the real connection and the one I yearned for… So I tried to get it anyway I could. So  I started looking for sex online. I thought something was better than nothing. I had convinced myself that I couldn’t ever find the real thing, nor did I deserve it. In the end, it only just reinforced my insecurities and brought up some very deep issues of my past. Not only was it making me feel worse, I wasn’t getting what I really needed.

I guess what it boils down to is I don’t feel like I fit in. I am not masculine (and for some too big) enough for Scruff or Growlr. I am too old and big for Grindr. Plus on top of this I live in a very rural town, and even the bigger city near me has limited options.

It is obvious I need to venture out into the big world and that scares me, which is a separate topic in itself.

My question is why aren’t there alternatives online. I can’t be the only gay man looking for friendship??? Just take a look at the personal section on Craigslist and you will easily feel disheartened. Go to the strictly platonic section and it is a ghost town. The romance section is even worse. Which reminds me of one of my favorite songs by Peggy Lee called “Is That All There Is.”

I am not saying that you can’t make friends on the internet or have decent conversations, they are just appear to be more difficult. What I do find it impossible with the few people I do talk to locally is getting them to want to meet up. It is not like I am saying hey lets go hook up, I usually just say would you like to go out to a movie or dinner… Maybe they are just being polite in talking to me, maybe they think I am looking for more than friends? I am not sure but it is frustrating.

I guess I am realizing I have to turn somewhere else for making in person connections. I am not confident it will be at a bar either. I have always heard doing activities that you enjoy is the best way to meet people. I just have to realize what that is and find activities like that. Living in a small community certainly has it’s challenges but I know that there has to be some kind hearted people out there who care about the world around them.

Is anyone else struggling with the issues and finding alternatives to meet people? I wish there was a friend app.

Does anyone else have thoughts and comments to add? I would love to hear them.

The Devil, Fears and my Father

There are many things in this world that I don’t have a firm grasp of comprehension, the devil is one of them. What I mean is I am not sure what I believe in. I am not saying I don’t believe in a dark force of some sorts but I am not sure I believe in the christian version. All you have to do is turn on the nightly news to see that there are people doing evil things. There are also people who I believe are pure evil like Hitler or anyone who hurts children.

My mom’s side of the family is Southern Baptist, which is all about fire and brimstone. Back in the day, women weren’t allowed to wear pants and dancing was not allowed. I learned that the pathway into heaven was very narrow. I envisioned this tight rope into heaven, with people falling off into the fiery pits of hell. God was someone to be feared. He was not only the Judge but the jury and even the executor.

How could any child not come out of that filled full of fear? I see fear as a shadow. In reality it isn’t real, just a dark reflection of yourself. In theory there isn’t anything to it but the more you feed into it, the larger the shadow grows.

I was told by my father countless times that I needed to accept Jesus Christ into my life or I was going to hell. I couldn’t have been any more than 13 0r 14 when it started. My father preached it at me enough to give me this reoccurring nightmare. It was always the end of the world. Jesus would call people’s names who got to go to heaven… My name was never called. NEVER!!!

My father was the type who followed the do as I say, not as I do philosophy. In the eighth grade, my father left my mom for another woman he worked for. He left us for broke. My mother had to get a job outside of the house for the first time since she was a teenager. I can’t imagine how scary that must have been for her especially after what my Dad did to her. When my father would come to the house and family he had abandoned he usually was trying to knock down the door, and always screaming obscenities and threats towards my mom. I vividly remember those moments and the fear I felt as I hid underneath my pillow, praying for him to go away.

As traumatic as it was for my father to leave, I felt relief. I was frightened of him and knew who he really was. Now that I think of it, I guess I saw him as the Devil… just in sheep’s clothing.

During that summer I found a church that wasn’t fear based and I started to attend the youth group. I felt so much joy, love and acceptance. It was a way for me to get away from my troubles and bask in the God’s love. It was a chance for me to learn that no every Christian felt the same way. I looked forward to Wednesday nights when the youth group met. It was also a chance for me to make new friends.

For the rest of the summer I attended youth group. The church had a van that they used to pick up teenagers that didn’t have a way. I will admit that some of the teenagers were how do you say, not very behaved. What ended up being my last youth group meeting, they started to act up on the way home. The driver of the bus, one of the congregation, proceeded to swerve the bus and finally slammed his foot on the brake. He then proceeded to scream at us in a way that sent chills up my back. I was afraid, very afraid… I was transported back to my bed, where I tried to hide underneath my pillow as my father was belligerent.  I so wanted to get off the bus and couldn’t wait until I was dropped off.

After that day, I did not return to the youth group or the church.

Shortly after this, my parents got back together.

Honestly that was when I put away my faith and my spirituality. I felt abandoned and betrayed by God. How could he allow this monster back in our household.

For the next 10 years I had to sit back and watch my father treat my Mom poorly, and there was nothing I could do. NOTHING.

This wouldn’t be the last time my father left my mother…

Prior to 2002, I was deeply afraid of my father. My father wasn’t always bad. There was time’s he was wonderfully nice… but when he was mean, he was MEAN… He was just like Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde. You never knew what would set him off.

My parents had owned the home we grew up in for over 30 years. During that period he rarely did any upkeep to the house, only when he had to. After so many years of doing nothing, our home was falling apart. His excuse for not doing anything, was that it wasn’t worth it being the shape it was in. I saw it differently.

My parents were trying to refinance the house and with my experience in the mortgage industry I took the initiative to help get a better appraisal on the house by trying to fix up a few things on the house. I borrowed money from my Aunt and I got the materials to put a drop ceiling in the laundry room. The ceiling had been partially destroyed by water damage from the roof. There were big holes in the ceiling.

Not only did my father not offer to help, he berated me during the whole process and told me time and time again that I couldn’t do it. I didn’t listen or let it stop me.

I have to admit I am not the most handy when it comes to home improvements, nor had I ever attempted anything like it before but I didn’t let that stop me either. I got a book that gave instructions and went to work. It wasn’t easy. Tearing down the existing ceiling was very difficult and very laborious. It was also very messy. Finally I removed and cleared it all and began to put up the drop ceiling, which wasn’t as easy as the book made it look. I can remember being so frustrated. A few times I would get up part of the ceiling to only have it come crashing down on me. There were times I wanted to give up but I wasn’t willing to let my father win! Plus I can remember my mama coming in to give me encouragement.

It took me all weekend but I finally finished the drop ceiling. I felt a sense of accomplishment.

Not only did my father not thank me for the work I had done, he made snide comments and barely talked to me. I had also worked on adding landscaping to the front of the house as well.

I don’t quite remember what had happened next. If my memory serves me right, Mama let it known she wasn’t happy with my father. Who he proceeded to treat her poorly.

I had a lot of pent up anger how he treated me. I can remember my father saying something to my Mom in a negative matter and I proceeded to stand up for her. I couldn’t take it any longer. My father didn’t like it when anyone questioned his authority.

When he shoved me, it was the straw that broke the camels back. Previously I would have coward down… but this time I fought back. Prior to that night I was never involved in a physical confrontation, nor was I after that night as well. I probably shouldn’t be proud of that moment but I am. It was the first time I stood up to him and from then out I was never scared of him again.

I proceeded to toss him across the living room like a rag doll. I can remember climbing on top of him and wanting to squish his head… My sister, her boyfriend and my Mom had to pull me off of him…  Which he proceeded to come at me with his fists, as they surrounded me to protect me… I am the first to admit confrontation really intimidates me but when you are pushed and have nothing to lose you go for it. I am not proud that my one and only fight ever was with my father but I am proud for standing up for what is right. The fight ended with the cops showing up and my father playing the sympathy card, acting like he had a heart condition and said he was afraid because there were guns in the house.

That was the last time I lived in that house. My Mom and I moved in with my Grandmother, and my sister with her boyfriend at the time.

I would like to point out no damage was done to my father, or me for that fact.

After this a few months later, my Mom took him back. Again I was so disheartened by this, as I knew my mama deserved so much better.

Finally after countless times of my father leaving my mom, he divorced her in 2003. After 30 years he left her with very little. He got the house since she couldn’t afford the mortgage. He re-married about a year later. He no longer needed our family home, so he abandoned it and let it go into foreclosure… Though before he did that, he took out anything and everything of value like the central air conditioner. He literally gutted out the place.

It didn’t surprise me, as that is what he did to us. That shows you the kind of person my father is. Toxic. Since the fight, I have not had a relationship with my father. Though I still have his voice in my head at times, especially when it comes to God, Jesus and my spirituality.

For so long when I saw God, I saw my father… and I could not face him. I have since come to learn that God and my father are two entities. They are not the same. In a way my father is the devil, well not really but symbolizes what the Devil represents.

I don’t believe the philosophy behind honor your Father and Mother, means you have keep someone in your life that is harmful. I have learned there are some people you must love from a far. I will honor his contribution to making me but other than that I am done. I don’t believe a parental role gives you cart blanch. For some people the role of father, is just a title. The term Dad is earned and he is not worthy of that.

It is tough to have the people who are suppose to love and protect you be the ones who cause deep harm. I can see how I so easily confused God and my Father… Because in the eye of a child his or her parents are God… Strength is taking the stand in saying NO!!!!! I deserve better. You deserve better…

For so long I have let others control my happiness that is is tough to overcome, even years after you have severed the physical bonds. There are things my father said to me, that still to this day hurts to my core. Like for example, “you have always wanted to lose weight and you will when you get AIDS and die alone.” He went as far as saying the friends I had weren’t really my friends and I would die alone in the hospital. This is what I got for coming out at 18…

I am still growing spiritually. There is so much that I am unsure about.

Losing my mom has sent me into “Danger Will Robinson” mode. She was the only person I had to latch onto that was light and comfort. So apart of me feels like I am stuck on this earth alone, with no protection… (that is the untrue parts of me I am dealing with) My mind knows that her spirit is still here but my heart doesn’t.

I use to have this nightmare as child of this great big force that would always keep me from my mother. I could never see what the force was, I just knew there was something impossible to get through.  Thinking about it to this day still gives me chills. I guess in a way that is what is happening with my head and my heart. There is this great force keeping from what I need and deserve. I think that is the key for to someone who is abusive and controlling. They isolate and keep the people they are controlling from others. They fill their heads with lies to keep them there. The lies become your jail cell. Though I have broke free from the chains, a part of me still remains locked up. I still have parts of my Dad and others who have hurt me blocking the passage way from my head to my heart.

I wish I could instantly sever all these unhealthy bonds but I have to realize these untruths were brainwashed into my subconsciousness over many years. Healing takes a lot of work and time.

At times I feel so crippled by how I feel. Especially if I am triggered by something. The traumatic event of my mothers untimely death has shook the skeletons out of my closet and they aren’t even mine. It feels like someone has taken a vacuum to all my fears and insecurities and swept them all up into a bag, and then they shake bag all over the room… Letting the dust fly out all over.

It is like I am transported back in time to that scary place where I am unworthy of God’s love and care.

Honestly I feel so crippled by the loss of my mama. I am scared to venture out into the world, in the fear of being hurt.

I know Glee is kind of fluff but the last episode had something in it that was pretty profound. One of the characters had fallen down on his luck. He had lost what he thought was everything but was reminded that he still had himself. That basically he was more than what he saw himself as, that just being him he had a lot going for him.

I am so much more than what my father told me. I am so much more than it all. I have to keep telling myself that. My therapist told me when I have a negative thought come in my head, which lately is often, to tell myself this may not be true. Basically I have to rewire my brain. Repetition is key.

So I guess the Devil is whoever or what ever you see it as… A negative thought. A person. To me it is the absence of love… It is pure hate. I guess why I have been so scared by the Devil, is that others have made it sound like I was worthy of that fate. I guess it is easier to put someone else to blame for a persons bad deeds, rather than take person responsibility for their actions. I would like to think that there wasn’t a devil, something so pure evil out in this world but I am not sure that is true? I do know there is hate in this world.

I am not weak. I am STRONG… I am one of God’s children. I may struggle in this life but I have a pure heart. Even during my times when I thought my spirituality was gone, I still had God in my heart because of the love inside. Whether or not if there is a hell, I will not be going there when I die. There are some things I may not know but that I do crystal clear.

and just like my Mama, I get knocked down and I get back up again. It might take me some time but I will do it.

Love is the key (a gift from my mama), and I have had that all along. Now it is time to plant my feet firmly into the earth and build a sturdy foundation around me. So that when something tries to knock me down, it won’t be able to. Plus now I have the greatest guardian angel of all, my sweet beautiful Mama. I got this…

Death is inevitable

No matter how hard we try to fight it or ignore the topic, it creeps up on us like a thief in the night.

The death of my beautiful mother, has shaken me to my core. It feels like the earth has been yanked right from under me. My fears have consumed me and I have gone into hiding…

I could handle death easier if I had a better grasp on the afterlife. Granted I have made some strides the past few months, they haven’t been enough to combat the fears of the past.

The biggest fear that has surfaced since Mama passed is that I will never get to see her again.

I know others have told me that isn’t true and there is a part of my head that thinks it too… but my heart is a different story…

For so long I was brainwashed into believing various things about myself and my spirituality, that they imprinted on me… You get told you are going to hell enough times it starts to seep into your consciousness… I guess that is what happened, I allowed others to set up shop in my brain… I mean I was only a small child, I could have stopped it…

As an adult, I coped with it the best way possible. I created an alternative where I didn’t go to hell, and because I believed what others told me (that I wasn’t worthy of God or heaven), I started believing when I died I would end… I would not pass go (heaven), I would not go to jail (hell), I would go straight into the earth and that would be it…

So you can see how losing the one good thing in my life would send me into orbit!

It feels like I am broken up into various parts. One part of me (the small child) holds onto the truth about myself and my spirituality. Another is composed of fear (those who abused me). Finally my adult-self fits somewhere in between it all. I feel so disconnected to the real me. The fears are holding me back and keeping me from my mothers love…

Which reminds me of something… All this time I didn’t think I was worthy of God’s love… which will keep me from my Mother… I guess in a way they are both the same.

The difference now is that even though I am in complete turmoil, I know that God is still there. I just haven’t been able to connect the two… I still hold onto others evils… I wish it was as easy as letting it go, turning a switch or taking a pill. The one thing that this whole experience has taught me is that I can’t do this alone. I have to seek help, which I am in the process of doing.

The only thing I am holding onto is my faith, though I don’t understand any of it… I am holding onto the hope that my higher power will see me through this.

As tough as this is, I know that I am not alone. My experience is a reminder of the damage that religious persecution causes, especially when it happens at an early age. There is nothing more sacred that ones spirituality and afterlife. To go after that, is immoral and a total injustice.

I have to wonder how many of my gay brothers and sisters have gone through this?

How many have succumb to it? I am not going to lie… I have thought about suicide.

(I talk about his in the hopes that it might help others and not to scare my loved ones)

The pain is so intense and feels so unbearable, that it feels like a natural option. I will also admit that I am frightened to die. I guess I really never wanted my life to end, just the pain… You experience enough of it and it feels like it is a life sentence. I am glad that there are programs out there for youth like the Trevor Project. It just makes me wonder what about gay adults who didn’t get the help they needed as a child?

There are a few things that stops me from using this option.

1. I know what it would do to my family both emotionally and financially. As painful as this is, I could’t burden them like that. I know it would do to them. They couldn’t take another loss like this.

2. There is no guarantee that I would get to see my mother again. So not only would I not have my Mama but my nieces, nephew, sister, brother in law, etc…. I am miserable but at least I get to see my family…

3. Mama wouldn’t want this for me. She was my biggest fan. She believed in me.

I know some people don’t get why others blog, etc. Especially when it is something like this. I guess for me this is therapeutic. I don’t always feel I can reach out to others, and this way I can indirectly… Though I know it isn’t the same…

I hope this reassures those who know me, that might freak out about this admission… Losing my Mom, isn’t the first time I have thought about dying. I just haven’t been so public about it. If not, I have emailed my old therapist about working together again. I just haven’t heard back…

I don’t understand any of this. What I do understand, is that part of my purpose is tied to my experiences and helping others with theirs… I may not be at a place to help anyone directly but I know my story will do the same thing. So that is why I am sharing it.

Lastly, anyone who tries to deny God’s love in his/her name is doing so with no connection to a higher power. There is nothing godly about that.

I know this is all apart of the journey, and once I get to a healthier spot it will be my goal to make sure others like me can see the love that is available to them… God’s love is for all… not just a few select who believe in a certain way of thinking…

We are all worthy, if not we wouldn’t be here…