Dig Deeper…

After watching Disney’s The Princess and the Frog it got me to thinking. I have been struggling in making a decision as to whether to move back to Michigan. In the movie there is a character named Mama Odie, who is a blind voodoo priestess! She pushes both of the lead characters to dig deeper for what will make them happy. It is funny how things in life present themselves. It is kind of like an illusion. We have this idea what will make us happy and it isn’t always what we have dreamed of…

Everyone has dreams, big and small. Some people are successful in making them come true and others not so much. I had dreams of being on broadway. Sometimes our dreams change or metamorphoses into something brand new!

I think I have to dig deeper. Happiness can be found anywhere. I have been disillusioned into thinking that my happiness was somewhere far away. I have come to realize it is deep within.

The problem has been I have allowed other people gunk it up… It has clouded my judgment.

I have also been running trying to find what I was looking for. It is kinda like looking for a diamond that your standing on, if only you picked up your feet you’d see it is right there underneath you.

The Princess and the Frog was amazing for many different reasons. Visually it was stunning. It helped remind me of my potential and my creativity. It also helped remind me of what was important. That being family and love.

My mom, sister and I have went through our tough times. We don’t always see eye to eye but we love each other deeply. They have stuck by me through it all.

I guess I am realizing that I can make my dreams come true anywhere I am at. The location is not as important as who it is with.

I am blessed to have not only have the mother and sister that I do but also three amazing children who are the lights of my life.

The only problem I have with The Princess and the Frog is this idea of needing someone else to feel complete. Society tells us we that a woman needs a man and it is easy to get trapped up in that, especially if you struggle finding it. I am learning I don’t need anything else because I already have all I need.

So it is time to go home back to where it began.

From Horror to Fairy Tale

Broken ice, shattered shards of time.
Left in a sea of shalow waters.
Drowing in my sins.
The deep dark waters are swallowing me whole.
Will I escape this rusty bear trap,
With the teeth cutting deep into my epidermas.
Crippled by fear, blinded by love.
Locked in a world full of funhouse mirrors.
I hear the screams of an innocent soul.
Too helpless to come to the rescue.
No visible battle wounds but deep they lie.
Like a wolf hiding behind the moon.
Hiding behind the darkness of the night.
Salvation must be near
For I hear the whisper of the wings.
So I wait for the moment for when I am lifted from this cage that traps my soul.
So desperate for the page to turn, a new chapter on life.
Tired of this horror story and ready for my story to be re-written.
A fairy tale waiting to come true!

co-dependancy and the fear of violance

I have done a lot of thinking the past few weeks and I have wondered how I have let my life get this way?

A place where I would rather stay in an unhealthy environment because of comfort and fears! I am realizing that I want more for myself and that I can no longer settle! I also can’t risk my ex going over the edge with his temper and hitting me! My safety and life mean more to me than staying with someone out of fears of being lonely!

I have this quality of being able to look past a person’s bad qualities to the good they have inside! I no longer can look past the bad! I need to put my needs first!

I can’t fix him. I can’t save him! I am not a super hero. He must do the work for himself and I can’t wait until then!

The next few weeks are going to be tough! I am going to have to live with the discomfort!

I need to break this cycle! Yes, the future is unknown but it has to get better if I try!

The fear when my ex and I part ways is that I will be left alone in columbus! That I will have no true connection and support! He’s been my family for two years! It’s all I have known! It has stunt my growth and I have became very codependant!

He’s moving on with little to no regard for me and it is time for me to do so as well! I do fear for the day when it is time to go how he will react! Will he freak out? It is a horrible feeling to walk on egg shells, not knowing what he will do if he snaps! I can’t risk him physically harming me! I’d rather be alone and safe!

With each bad moment, rather than run to the ones I love I isolate. Pushing away any connections I have!

It is time to stop running! Time to reach out for support! I deserve a lot more than I have allowed!

So hear I go…