The Vicious Cycle of Projecting, Personalizing and Internalizing

Are you someone who personalizes everything? If so, you probably can probably attest to how much head and heart ache this causes you. As someone that does this constantly I have worked hard to overcome this challenge. The stronger I am at fighting off the personalizations the less affected I am by another person’s words, feels and actions. 

Now that I am aware I do this constantly I am more equipped to stop taking things personal. This can be really tough when you are dealing with conflict, especially when it is someone close to you. I have found it is sometimes easier to practice your coping skills on people you don’t know. Like for example, when you go to a store and are treated poorly by a sales clerk. When this happens to me I would instantly let it affect me. I usually would be rude right back and then let it bother me for the rest of the day. Now matter how happy I was prior to meeting that person it would kill my mood.

Now I try hard to kill them with kindness. Not only does it help with my mood but who knows it might have made them perk up or at the very least bug the heck out of them! 🙂

For me, I have learned when I give back to them what was given to me it changes my mood and I struggle with letting it go. When I don’t personalize someones bad mood and say to myself that is their behavior, it really helps to put up this barrier between me and their negativity.  

This example is kind of like taking baby steps. The more you practice this, the better you will get. Before you know it you will be able to take even bigger steps. When you encounter someone like this, think of a metaphorical stop sign and put it up right away. 

In therapy I have questioned why I personalize things in the degree I do. Personally I believe it started with the sexual abuse. At a very early age I tried to cope and rationalize the bad things that were happening to me. I couldn’t come up with a logical explanation why something bad would happen to me, so I therefor concluded it was my fault. As a child I wasn’t aware that sometimes bad things happen to good people, for no apparent reason. When you are a child you view things with a pure filter. You don’t realize that there are real monsters out in this world. What is even more damaging is that you don’t realize that the ones who are suppose to protect and love you, sometimes are the ones who are the monsters. 

As you grow older you carry that into your adulthood. Personalizing becomes apart of your belief system. These monsters do a great job of masking their hurt. They project their bad deeds onto their victim. They give portray this false image of being the good guy to the rest of the world. When that is all you know and are surrounded by it is very easy to believe that is all that is out there in the world. Everything is turned upside down. 

When personalizing turns into internalization, the stronger the hold it has on you. Even when you meet a nice person (especially if they try to help you) in the world if you believe you are a bad person, you most likely will feel you don’t deserve it and run away. 

You can run and even hide but it will always find you. 

You start to believe that the world is out to get you. You question why someone is being nice to someone is bad. You second guess their motives and think they will eventually hurt you. I think for me I used it as a way to protect myself. Those who deeply hurt me weren’t always mean to me, usually at first they were very nice. So how could I trust anyone that was nice to me? How could I know they wouldn’t cut me to the core? 

I have started to learn that I am no longer that boy. I am no longer stuck in that bad situation. I am now an adult and can save myself. All those years I dreamed of someone coming to rescue us but no one ever came. Most of my adult life I still have waited. 

I am not weak. I am strong. 

When someone hurts me, it will not kill me. Most of the time their actions have nothing to do with me. Rather than look inward, I look at the person. I am working on taking that mirror and turn it back at them. I won’t allow their issue to absorb me and take me over. 

Often times it really is the whole scenario of it’s not you, it’s me… Especially if you know you haven’t done anything wrong. When someone says or does something to you, usually it has nothing to do with you. Stop the projection right in it’s track, by doing so you will stop the personalization and ultimately the internalization.

Whether that interaction is big or small, it still is the same… If you could look into the person’s world you would see all their issues pilled up in their mailbox. This is especially tough to do when the person adamantly try’s to pass their issues off onto you but you have the power to send their issue back, return to sender. 

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Yay, I am 401!!!

The last time I was weighed was on Thanksgiving and I was 417lbs… So it is nice to be close to the 400 mark. I will be extremely happy when I am in the 300’s!

I am not as happy as I probably should be. I guess I thought I was under 400 pounds by now. Though chances are that I was over 417 pounds with the holidays, etc. So who knows how much exactly I have lost? So I really need to consider that when looking at my progress. I knew cutting the Pepsi out of my diet would drop a decent amount of weight.

So this weekend I really struggled with my will power and self control in regards to eating. It was like this weekend all my will power disappeared. Saturday was particularly rough as I felt a lot of anxiety that day. I was constantly wanting to drown my feelings out. I found myself over eating on certain items like Pringles. Even though I struggled I still stayed on target for my calories. My sister got the kid’s hot n’ ready’s from Little Caesars. I really wanted to pig out on pizza, as I was craving it all day, but I still only had a couple of slices.  I really had to fight my cravings.

Sundays battle was an apple fritter. I wanted it so badly. I mean really bad!!! It was calling my name, loudly!!! I resisted and thankfully my niece ate it before I could cave in.

Today I did not win the donut battle. There was one lone donut left, a glazed bow tie donut. Wow, even my spell checker is trying to take donut out of my vocabulary by saying I have it spelled incorrectly… I really resisted a good part of the day but then something just clicked and I grabbed it, not after checking the calorie count on my phone. (300 calories) I won’t lie it tasted delicious.

I think I might be trying too hard, not allowing myself to have things I like. I need to be mindful of this as it can lead to me quitting all together. Even with having that yummy donut I still was still well within my daily calorie limit. If I tell myself I can’t have certain items I will eventually cave in and pig out… Another option is only having half of the donut, which I didn’t do… 🙂

I am still surprised on the calorie count of certain food, like butter and margarine. 100 calories for 1 tablespoon of butter??? What??? I am learning to still have the food I like but modifying the ingredients to make it more healthy. Like for example Kraft Macaroni & Cheese I only used one tablespoon of margarine. By doing that I was able to cut down on the calorie and fat contents.

I am learning to maximize my calories and thinking about my choices. Like a ham sandwich with wheat bread can save me over 100 calories, instead of white bread. I am also realizing what food items will fill me up and choosing those items when I am most hungry.

I have been rather lax on my vegetables and fruit lately, so I need to pick that back up. Though I have been trying to drink some amount of water each day.

I have also started to incorporate some exercise. I have learned to not exercise at night as it keeps me up all night. The last time I really danced a work out I was bouncing off the walls for hours afterwards. I am finding myself feeling guilty when I don’t do something. I have to be careful with dancing as I have noticed my knees hurting lately. I can’t wait for it to get warm outside so I can start walking.

I think the biggest thing I need to learn with this process is to be gentle with myself. I have a tendency to be very hard on myself and that is probably where I have gone wrong in the past. I feel let down and the negative voices chip away at my self esteem. Eventually I cave in and pig out, and then give up.

It is all about balance and moderation. Bad days are going to happen but they aren’t the end of the world. Tomorrow is another day to start a new. One bad day or one bad choice does’t take away from all the hard work and progress I have made the last few weeks. It is about the big picture.

Status Quo

Status quo is a Latin term meaning the current or existing state of affairs. It is a commonly used form of the original Latin “statu quo” – literally “the state in which”. To maintain the status quo is to keep the things the way they presently are.

Tonight one of the shows I watched mentioned the idea of going away from the status quo and it brought up a common theme for me in my life. This idea of fitting in and how it has affected my life, as how I present myself to the world.

One of my favorite shows on television is Project Runway. Each season there are personalities that stand out to me as uniquely eccentric, not just in their design style but how they perceive and carry themselves. They are fierce and fabulous in a quiet manner, well I guess not always. I guess they are usually humble in some sort of fashion. Right away I can tell the ones I personally wouldn’t mesh well with, like the designer who tonight said she liked to make people hate themselves. I was like wow, that is something to be proud of.

So tonight as watched tonight’s premiere episode of the season I immediately found the designers I connected to. The thought I had was I wish I could be more like them, unafraid to be themselves. I know that I am working hard on this but I really appreciated seeing people who were able to live it. Especially those who came from a tough background. Like the designer who struggled with a drug and alcohol addiction. He was fabulous and his design won the challenge! Earlier he unapologetically told the world he carried around a purse.

I love those who don’t conform to these preset gender roles. That is what I love about being gay is the fact that you can have the best of both worlds, well in some ways! 🙂 So I love when others are able to embrace who they are and not the way the world thinks they should be. Another person who stood out to me tonight was the designer who was Native American. I love that she embraces her heritage while putting her own spin on it.

I feel in the gay community, at times, there is this paranoia when it comes to femininity. A constant need to fit in to the heterosexual world, in order to get equality. If we are more like them, then they will accept us and give us what we deserve! If I have to conform to get what I deserve, I don’t want it. I feel like I have lost myself in a sea of status quo.  Finally after so many years I am working on letting myself stand out from the crowd.

Even Project Runway and fashion I believe falls into this idea of status quo. Sometimes I get so frustrated with the show, especially some of the negativity.

It all goes back to this idea of what is beautiful and what is acceptable. Look how many people treat people who are overweight. They cut them down with words of hate and disgust. I saw a picture floating around Facebook of a picture of this woman who had made a dress to look like a tardis from Doctor Who. Obviously this lady was fabulous. I mean she hand painted the inside of her dress to look like the inside of the tardis. Yet all some people saw was that she was fat and the began to mock and degrade her.

In the end these people who work hard trying to drag people down are the one’s missing out on the big picture. It is just sad there are so many people who have been beat down their whole lives and don’t yet know it that is not the truth. They are beautiful and don’t realize it is their environment that is ugly, not themselves. People who hurt other people are just projecting their own hatred for themselves on to the closest people around them.

Personally I have gotten to the point of my life where I was tired of accepting these bad things that others had told me about myself. You live your life in misery enough, and you have no choice but to get out of it. I certainly learned the hard way what i did and didn’t deserve in life. When you can stop caring what other people think about you is when you are really free. Free to live your life the way you want. Be the person you really are.

Beauty isn’t something that is exterior. It is deep inside your heart and soul. How you live your life and how you treat other people.

If you take the extra time you will always find someone against you but if you just turn your cheek you will see the person that is right by your side.

There is never a time when it is too late to be yourself. Discovery can happen at any age. Dreams are not just for children. Losing sight of your dreams makes for a very dreary and miserable place. If you are not happy with who you have become, change it. You have the power and strength to do so. You hold the key to unlocking your own happiness.

The days for tolerating less and hiding in the crowds are over for me. I can be me and know there are people out in this world just like me. Those who will embrace me and lift me up. When I do encounter someone who isn’t like that, I will just keep moving on and not let them burst my bubble.

Pushing yourself

Obviously within reason…

Tonight I pushed myself out of my comfort zone. It was about 8pm and I was getting really tired… I mean fall asleep at the couch tired. My first thought was to go right to bed but I started to think about this video game for the xbox called Just Dance. So against my better judgment I asked my nephew if he wanted to play. I kind of hoped he would have said no.

Well he said yes… after he finished his current game. The day before I had got a bottle water with a filter in it to start drinking water. I really had a mental block against drinking water. All day I couldn’t get myself to fill it up and start drinking h2o! Well if I was going to commit to some exercise I figured I best commit to drinking water, as I would need it from the dancing.

My nephew popped the game in and the first song we danced to was Rock Lobster by The B52’s. I am sure he had no idea who or what the B52’s were? At the end of the song he wanted to know what a rock lobster was.

This dance number had kicks, turns, and various other dance moves. At one point I had to get on my knees, which wasn’t a fun or pretty sight. It took me a while to get to my knees and then even longer to get up… Thankfully I cheated and just did the hand motions. I am great at jazz hands! By the time the number was done I was exhausted to the point where I could barely breath. I kept saying OMG… over and over. I think my nephew thought I was about to die.

I was for sure I was done. I was too winded to think about doing another song. My chest felt like it was filled full of rocks and my legs felt like jello. I will admit I had a blast. Even though I barely could breath I was like damn that was fun! Earlier my nephew he is skinny said he was in shape already and didn’t need to eat the green beans I made him. So it was a super victory to beat him, especially being how out of shape I am. I mean I am over 400lbs! 🙂

Exercise is not in my vocabulary. I sit around. I have master the art of coach potatoing. If it was a subject I would not only ace the course but teach it as well. So the fact that tonight I exercised for a little bit was huge. Though I do try to get some by doing things like parking further than I have to when I go shopping but that is minimal.

So as I was dying on the couch, trying to drink the water out of my bottle faster than it was prepared for, my sister and four year old niece joined in on the action. I will admit it was fun to watch my niece dance. She did very well. She will die to know that you can download Gangnam Style, as that is one of her favorite songs to dance to.

After a few songs the music got to me and I was back up kicking up on the dance floor, I mean living room floor… I was back on top and dancing my heart away. I was having so much fun, that I forgot it was exercise. One song turned into four by the time we were finished. I had pushed myself to do three more songs than I planned too. Now I am wide awake and full of energy.

I told my sister that Just Dance is now apart of our get healthy campaign. It is so much fun. Dancing is one of my favorite past times. As I gained all this weight I stopped going out dancing. I honestly wasn’t sure if I would dance again, especially with the shape my knees had been in lately. Dancing is one thing that I have always been confident about. People could say what they wanted about me, call me every name of the book but they couldn’t call me a bad dancer. Well they could but I wouldn’t believe them. In High School I was known as the dancer. I would love to go out on the dance floor and lose myself in a world of music.

So now I am hooked. I need to buy the other four previous versions. They have such great songs. I think Just Dance is going to become a big part of my exercise routine and a big boost in helping me to lose weight…

So not only did I push myself to exercise tonight but I started drinking water and I pushed myself further in exercising longer. Like I said at the start of this post pushing yourself is good as long as it is in reason. I knew when to stop. If I would have done any more songs I would have felt it.

So I really need to work on incorporating this idea of pushing myself in other aspects in my life. This is a great start. I guess we can say this is my training to take on the world. Once I am ready nothing will be able to stop my awesomeness!

I really have to give myself a lot of credit in the progress I have made over the last few weeks. Yesterday I had pizza which was the first time in over a week. Typically when I get pizza (which was often) I would usually overeat. Even with getting pizza yesterday I still stayed within my calorie range. Even today with having the last few pieces I stayed under 1k of what I could have in calories. Plus I ate lots of fruits as snacks and some green beans for dinner.

After my work out I was starving so I made myself a ham sandwich. It felt like the best ham sandwich that I had ever tasted. I really wanted another sandwich, it tasted that good. I still had 1k calories left, so I could have had another sandwich but I thought about it being almost 11pm. So I had to will power to say no. That is new territory for me. A few weeks ago I would have had that second sandwich in a heart beat. So more progress!!! Sorry if I am tooting my horn but I think I earned it. I call it positive reinforcement! 🙂

I also pushed myself to not sleep the day away, even though I hadn’t gotten a full night’s rest. It feels great to be taking care of myself. Loving myself feels even better! Keep it up!!

If you are in my boat and are trying to get more healthy, you can do it. Trust me I know how tough it is. Keep at it. Find what works for you. Be gentle. I will be your cheerleader!!! Support is huge I am learning. It has helped to know that my sister and brother in law are eating more healthy too. We are all in this together. exercise

This Is What I Have Learned So Far…

So I had this idea to blog about what I have learned about myself during the last few weeks of becoming more healthier with my food choices…

– I don’t chew my food. I take big bites and swallow. I have to remind myself to take small bites and chew… Seems simple but not for me. Honestly I am not even really getting a chance to taste the food this way. I need to slow down and savor my food. I will enjoy it much more.

– I love green beans about the only vegetable I do like minus corn and potatoes. I know they aren’t a veggie! Granted I usually put butter and salt on my green beans but this is a great start. and no… I don’t like broccoli, or lettuce… or _________… (any other veggie people ask me)

– Wheat, flour, etc not only has a lot of calories but carbs as well. I have to admit I LOVE bread…

– Anything sweet you can bet it will be over 100 calories and that is on the modest side… and a small portion at that. I do love my sweets though. It will be something I work on down the road.

– Pork has a lot of sodium. Sodium is another thing I will need to work on down the road, especially with my high blood pressure.

– Buy fresh chicken breast, not the frozen in the bag… The frozen variety isn’t as healthy as it has a higher sodium count. I’ve known this for a while but felt it was a good tip to share with others.

– Posting pictures of your food not only helps with encouragement and support from others but also something to be proud of. I am proud of my choice to be more healthy. It can also keep you honest, if your beans are covered in butter… oppss!!! 🙂

– When you are really depressed small chores like brushing your teeth seem momentousness. It feels like you are moving mountains with that toothbrush! Also I have be very careful because when I get depressed I am more likely to self medicate with unhealthy food.

– I love to snack… Having healthier food around like fruit will help me make better choices.

– I struggle with knowing when I am full. Trying to lose weight when you an emotional eater is tough. I am learning to suffer through hunger pains, at least I think they are hunger pains. Usually in the past I know I am full when I am stuffed but I am trying to not do that. So it makes it a big challenge.

-Applesauce is yummy… plus it is a drink, a dessert, a fruit and a food group all in one. The little snack cups are very convenient.

-I forced myself to eat broccoli the other day. I will admit it wasn’t easy… and it didn’t taste very well either…. At least I tried it!!! 🙂

-I haven’t had a Pepsi in almost two weeks, not even a 20 ounce. Granted I did have a fountain drink of coke and mt. dew a few times.. but still no Pepsi.

– Obviously water is very important and I really don’t drink it… I have found the vitamin enhanced water beverages to be very good. They are zero calorie. They do have 7 carbs though. I have started to drink these until I can switch over to regular water, which I hope to do soon. I have found that I will drink water more if I have a container that has a pop top, I need to get me one.

– Quaker Stila crispy oat cookie bars are the weirdest thing I have ever ate. It has a very weird texture and very little taste. It must be what cardboard tastes like… Who knew that cardboard had 100 calories!!

– Sugar can cause joint pain and inflammation. I noticed when I was drinking Pepsi heavily I would have severe joint pain to the point where I had trouble with mobility. I struggled getting up and down, walking and keeping my knees at certain angles. Now that I am off the Pepsi my joint pain is almost gone, same for the lack of mobility. This is a huge incentive to not drink Pepsi!!!

– I don’t like to call what I am doing a diet… That is such a naughty word for me. It seems so restrictive and limiting. For me it is about becoming more healthy, thinking about what I put into my body. I think losing weight is all about finding what works for you.

– I am not telling myself I can’t ever have certain food, even Pepsi… because when I do that I am just putting the item in my hand. Moderation is key. Counting my calories helps me still have the food I like plus helps me to add foods that are more healthy. If I have only 500 calories left for the day, I am less likely to choose a sweet that will take up all those points. Having choices helps me a lot.

– I haven’t had pizza in over a week. This is another huge feat for me because Pizza is my favorite food. Again it is moderation. Tomorrow I am treating myself to pizza. Now the bigger challenge will be not getting Pepsi with my pizza, which is something I usually always do. They go hand to hand with each other. Though the last time I had pizza I didn’t get a Pepsi. Which was the first time in ages that I have done that!!!

– I ate vegetables four days in a row. I think I probably had more veggies in four days than I have ate the last two years minus potatoes and corn. Plus I have been eating apples as well. I need to start eating more fruit, since I am not a huge fan of veggies. I also should try to like carrots. They are the only veggie I can tolerate outside of green beans. I don’t dislike carrots, I just never been a fan. They have a weird texture.

– Since becoming more healthy (the weight loss I can notice also helps) I notice I am looking at myself differently in the mirror. I still don’t like what I see but I am liking my body better. I still have times when I look in the mirror and ugly comes to mind. So this is going to be a long process and won’t only involve diet changes but therapy as well.

– Now that I am counting my calories I am noticing often times I stay well under my daily limit. This is usually when I make my meals at home. When I eat out, I usually am at my limit!!! Looking at the ingredient labels of food has been a totally shocking experience, like for example Kraft Macaroni & Cheese!!! I love KMC, it is one of my favorite foods. When I first started to calorie count I ate a whole box thinking the calories wouldn’t be that much… well 1200 calories later I was shocked.

– Don’t be afraid to ask a restaurant for a calorie guide for the food. If they are a large chain they most likely will have it. When we took my niece out to Old Chicago the waitress brought us one and it helped me pick out my food.

– I use MyFitnessPal to count my calories. It is totally free!!! You can scan products and search their endless database for items. They even have restaurants as well. They have a great app for android, iPhone, etc. Even if you don’t have a high tech phone you can use their website: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/

Well I think this is plenty. I am sure this list will grow as the weeks pass by. Hope this helps others. Huggs

My head feels so muddled.

So I have had a rather tough week emotionally. While I have made strides with my healthy physically, emotionally I have struggled.

Inside it feels like I am dying… Well maybe that is a bit extreme but still I feel rather down. It has been a week since I have been out of the house. I know that is part of the reason I am feeling the way I am…

I also am noticing myself pulling away from those close to me. I guess the word that describes the state I am in is disconnected.

Recently I have met someone who has brought up a lot of feelings in me. He is a wonderful sweet man. I care for him very deeply. We are taking it very slow and are just friends. I am not sure if I have ever had another man value me like he does, at least someone that there is a mutual attraction with. Keeping our relationship at a strictly platonic level has allowed me to get to know him much deeper that anyone previously.

Getting to know him has also brought up feelings of love and what that means to me. After Mama died I put my heart in this box and put it high up on the shelf. I pulled away from everyone, especially my family. Even being around my nieces and nephew hasn’t felt the same as before. I think  I have done this as a way to cope with the loss. I have had to pull away in order to survive. The closer I am to people the more I have to lose if something happens.

The fact of the matter the people you love die. There are no guarantees. That frightens me senseless.

I have had a horrible track record with loving other men and I am not just talking romantic love. I never felt like another man has been able to love me back in the way I need them to. Started off with my Father, then my abuser… and then the few men I have been in love with during my adult years.

This week I have had these feelings that I am not worthy of love again… from a man. I also have had these copendendant feelings surface, like that I can’t survive without another man’s love… and I will be honest I don’t like that at all!!!

This week I had the realization that I look to others to feel better. I wan’t to change that. This is where I set myself up to fall every time. I am tired of getting my feelings from other people.

I wish I could build this invisible shield around me, so that no one would be able to affect me. I could just go out in the world and not worry about being dragged down. I guess I am working on that shield, it just takes time. I am building the wall back up on my secret garden but I still am allowing bad things come through. It is like I am being attacked by pirates with these huge cannons. Each time I am hit by a cannon ball it takes me some time to get back up…

I wish healing was easier. I wish there was a switch. I am so thankful that I have therapy tomorrow.

I guess I don’t want life to swallow me whole again… granted I allow it… I want to keep my own identity, my ground. In the past when love didn’t work out the way I hoped, I took it personal that I wasn’t worthy of that person’s love… I have to learn to separate my heart from their ability to love. If a person can’t give me what I need, it isn’t a reflection of who I am… more of a reflection of who they are… When you are a child you don’t realize that difference and it becomes apart of your character.

Basically I am having to learn how to love myself. Taking out the parts that are not true. Rewiring my brain to think differently, my heart to feel differently. Learning to look inward for what I need. Pulling back on the reigns and allowing things to happen naturally. That is one thing that my new friendship has taught me. Relationships are like flowers. If you suffocate them with rain or sunshine they will surely wither but if you allow them to grow naturally, giving them rain and light when they need it, then they will blossom into something beautiful.

I guess I am learning to do that as well. Just takes time… patience… and a lot of practice.

Distractions

Lately I notice I have a lot of distractions in my life. I guess in a whole I have let things distract me all my life. Mainly other people’s views and feelings of me or what I thought was so. Rather than use that distraction as fuel, I used it as a weight… to hold me down. While I am working on overcoming these challenges I have also noticed other distractions that keep me from doing what I was meant to do.

1. I watch way too much television. Recently I have thought about limiting my television time. Ground myself, literally.

2. My phone. I notice that I am attached to the hip with my android phone. When you go out to dinner with people do you ever notice how often/many people use their phones? It has become a way of life. When I don’t have my phone I feel lost. I hate to even admit that.

3. Food!!! This is a big distraction for me, especially if I am feeling down. If I have food around me I will eat it. I am an emotional eater so food plays too big of a role in my life. I need to learn the whole eat to live concept, rather than live to eat.

4. Gay social networking sites. Often times I find myself feeling less after using them. I often wonder why I keep these sites? Rarely do I make any meaningful connections from them. Often times I can’t even get anyone to talk back to me. Finding a friend, let alone a boyfriend, seems like finding a needle in a haystack. Plus it can also lead to the other distraction, sex… and that is never a good thing for me. Going down that road isn’t for me and won’t bring me what I need or want.

5. Facebook. I am sure many people probably could list this one. I rely too much on Facebook for connection, not that there isn’t anything wrong with that. I just think I should branch out to other methods for doing so. Again at times I find myself feeling down, especially if no one responds to something meaningful I posted. I take things way to personal.

6. My “negative” inner voice. This one can really drag me to the ground. The more depressed I feel the louder and stronger this voice is. As I start to heal and feel better, the harder it tries to pull me under. I am learning to strengthen my positive inner voice. Sometimes you just have to talk back to yourself and say it isn’t so. See talking yourself can be a good thing especially if you are giving yourself positive reinforcement! I am learning that I have the courage to stand up to all my negative thoughts.

7. Discomfort. I need to learn to tolerate uncomfortable feelings. I have to push through them. I have a tendency to feel discomfort and I quickly will try to fix it. Usually I go towards what is more comfortable but I have learned just because it is comfortable it doesn’t make it safe. I also need to learn to tolerate discomfort with trying to be more healthy. For example tolerating hunger pains and cravings to eat unhealthy. Same goes for my body as I try to get more active.

8. Personalizing everything. This is probably my tragic flaw, my biggest downfall in life. I take everything personal. Everything that anybody has ever said or done to me had something to do with me. Please I don’t have that much pull in the universe. Even if it has to do with me, so what? I have worked hard on overcoming this but still find myself personalizing things. I think in the past I personalized things as a way to cope. Like why did these bad things happen to me? I couldn’t think of a logical reason, so it must have been because I was a bad person. I am an adult now. Bad things happen because of bad people and it has no reflection on the person they hurt. Wow, I am not sure if I have ever said that out loud, or at least in type… As I work on this and tell myself to not personalize what ever I am trying to do, it really helps me to feel better.

9. My fears. Often times they cripple me. The keep me from being happy. They are the main reason I isolate because I am afraid of getting hurt. It is my light, not my darkness, that scares me the most because it is in the light where I am most visible. When I hide from the world, I am also hiding from myself.

10. I am my own distraction. My own worst critic. The real person standing in my way, is me. Sure other people have hurt me and caused me pain but I have kept myself in that world. I don’t allow the wounds to heal because I haven’t felt like I deserved them to. Well the time has come for my wounds to heal and I need to stop allowing myself to be cut back open. I am no longer that injured butterfly, my wings have been minded… it’s time to fly… I am my own protector. All this time I have been waiting for someone to come rescue me. I now realize that it is going to be me! Time to pack up my bags and take the first flight to paradise! I no longer have to live in that bad place, that is the past.

Well that is plenty.  I really need to work on limiting my distractions because they keep me from being more productive and ultimately keep me from my authentic self. Rather than watch tv for hours, I could be painting, writing, etc. It is one thing to just relax but another thing to numb out in these activities, which I have a tendency to do.

Does anybody else notice that they get distracted too easily or often? Has anyone made a conscious effort to overcome distractions?

For me it is about becoming more aware of my surroundings and what I allow into my world. Being conscious of what I digest by my mouth, eyes and ears. I am learning to embrace who I am. Breaking away from the mold of what others see me as, including myself.

This is my time to embrace the person I was born to be. A caring spiritual person filled full of creativity and love. I was meant to shine, not lack luster. So I am going to keep going… moving forward like that little engine that could.. Keep puffing up that mountain saying “I think I can” until I get to the top and then it will be smooth sailing from there out. Think will turn into know… know into believe… and nothing will be able to stop me then. I am not there yet but I will be soon enough.