My soul is tired

I just feel drained… I need relief but it seems out of sight. I am at a spiritual cross roads. I long to connect to something higher than myself but all I can see is what I have been told. That type of GOD is not for me…

I feel so burdened, so crippled…

My mind constantly flashes back memories of the abuse. More so the room and house it happened in…

Tears keep swelling up my eyes…

I need to look for work but feel so trapped in my comfort zone.

Sunday I didn’t hardly leave downstairs. I was so hungry but felt trapped down here. Thankfully my sister brought me a couple slices of pizza. For me not to eat, is a big thing.

I am surrounded by people, but still feel so alone. I feel like I am a ghost, wandering the halls…

Why have I let these people control my life and how I feel about themselves. Why am I continuing to believe their lies about me?

The world is continuing to move on and I am still stuck back in time.

My mind knows the truth, that I won’t go to hell for being gay.

My heart believes what my dad and others have said. It is the boy inside of me. The child that was molested.

My adult self doesn’t believe in the same God that Christians believe in but I don’t have a grasp as to what I believe in. I think that is what bothers me the most. I don’t have a firm grasp onto what I believe in. Somewhere in between being apart of the ground and the christian’s afterlife…

I feel so horrible that I don’t have the money to give my sister and her husband rent money for this month. I feel like a complete burden. I am scared they will ask me to leave. I really need to find a job but am so scared… I applied for Walmart today and that is the last place I wanted to work.

I have started looking into going to school up here in Michigan. Though I have failed at school horribly this year. So I am not sure if that is a great idea?

My life seems to be falling apart and I am too scared to do anything about it. Very soon I will have no money left for my car insurance or car payment which is due at the end of December! Let alone have money for food. Plus not contributing here at the house, I feel even more worthless!!!

I have emailed my old therapist again, trying to find out the number of the therapist she has recommended. I really need to get back into therapy.

I am just trying to hold on…. for one more day….

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I hate this feeling…

of feeling alone… feeling worthless…

the thing that keeps running through my head is that all these adults so worried and making such a concrete effort to “save the world” from eternal flames, where were they when the children needed to be saved?

why put all this energy into fear and hate… denying someone their pain is just as harmful as the act itself. isn’t denial a sin as well?

i just wish someone would understand the pain i feel…

they can forget it. i can’t. they can hide it. i can’t…

i want to scream at them. i just want them to hear me. but my words mean nothing to them. they are deaf to me.

i question why am I the only one struggling so much? i feel like a burden to my family.

i kinda feel like crawling into a hole.

hoping that tomorrow is a little better…

Is there Salvation for those who are gay?

Yesterday was my aunt Thelma’s funeral. I can’t say I ever handle them very well. I tend to feel numb. I struggle with the idea that I will never be able to see their physical forms again on this earth. I can remember when my Aunt Fran passed away in 1999 thinking I will never get a phone call from her giving me a hard time…

I come from a very religious family. So it shouldn’t surprise me that the services would be as such but I guess I didn’t think of it…

I think the reason death freaks me out so much is that I don’t know what I believe in??? I want to believe that we all go to a better place but part of me wonders will I just lay deep within the earth?

Those the idea of going to heaven is set with conditions and hearing sermons like the one I did at my aunt Thelma’s funeral only reinforces those fears.

I grew up in a Southern Baptist church. Their message was of a narrow passage way into heaven. Fire and brimstone for anyone who did not repent and accept Jesus Christ into their lives! My father only reinforced that… On numerous occasions he would tell me as a teenager, that if I didn’t accept Jesus into my life I would go to hell… Enough times that I would have nightmares of the end of the world. Jesus would call peoples names but mine was never called.

My father stole my spirituality from me. I thought I had gotten over these fears. It wasn’t long ago that hearing the words GOD and JESUS would give me panic attacks…

Hearing this sermon triggered me deeply, sending me into dissociation… and of course while I am making the seven hour drive home to Michigan.

In so many words the preacher pretty much told us that if we didn’t accept Jesus Christ and repent we wouldn’t get to see our loved ones again. What type of belief system would do that to the children of GOD?

Most of my life I have been told, on many occasions, that I was going to hell for being gay. I can’t change being gay. It isn’t a choice. So in my mind, I have an eternal death sentence. The world has cast me into the pits of hell. So I either stop being gay or accept that  I will burn in flames forever. Talk about causing trauma to oneself!

In the past how I deal with it, is to hide from it and my family.

My sister started to ask questions to my mother while I was driving about this topic. The service obviously had spooked her. At some point I just flipped out. I remember saying when I die, I don’t want that crap at my funeral. I have to believe it is bogus because if not I will fall apart.

I think another reason I struggle with the whole idea is all the sins our family has endured from Darren, who molested many in our family. Yet very few have ever stood up to him or did anything to stop it. Yet these adults believe I am going to hell???? What about the pain that everyone who was molested has endured??? I think they should have been concentrating less on their religion and more on protecting their children!!!

I am very angry. I will admit it. Seeing my family only makes my blood boil, especially certain ones who I know associate with Darren. This monster has molested over 10 children (probably a lot more) and has never gotten any help, nor was ever arrested for what he did. I think he’s the devil. It isn’t some external force that has a fiery home! How many more children will have to endure the pain that we all have??? And still no one does anything. My one cousin who let him live with her (with her three kids) said that she believed that he’d never do anything like that to her kids. And what says he won’t????

There was talk that he was coming to the funeral, thankfully he didn’t but sure enough I know he will be at my grandmothers funeral. He has no shame and he doesn’t care. He is void a soul.

I still struggle with the fact that my grandmother still holds him in such high regards. He is one her favorites. I am not… She even treated me poorly for many years. So how do I come to terms with that? It is another thing that has made me believe I am worthless and unlovable!!!

I have always felt that they have condemned me for being gay, yet they tolerated child molesters! This destroys your self esteem and your soul! Sure very few ever told me what they felt to my face but I know what they believed in.

My sister said that my mom and her had come around when it comes to me being gay. True they have come around but as I explained to her, in 2008 she didn’t want me to bring my boyfriend Bobby at the time or told me I couldn’t dance with him and wanted me to act a certain way with him. Plus he was not allowed to stay at her house at the time.

All these things just add up to me believing that I am WORTHLESS…

They say words are just words, but they can dig deep.

Coming out was horrible for me and those moments still live with me today. Over and over being told I was going to hell. Told I wanted to lose weight and I would from AIDS. Told I was abnormal. Told that none of my friends would be there for me in the end and I would be alone. I have internalized all of it and it slowly it has ate at me.

So adults of the family, thank you for stealing my spirituality. Taking it and throwing it away. Making me feel worthless for being WHO I AM!

And now I am the “fucked up” one. The only one who has the nerve to stand up and speak his mind. Well I am tired of doing it alone and I can’t any longer.

And those who worship JESUS. Would he do and say 90% of the stuff that religious people do??? Probably not…. You are doing to others, what they did to him. You are persecuting others for who they are.

I have always wanted someone to stand up for me.

I use to be scared of others, still am to a point. For the longest time I was scared of my dad. It wasn’t until I stood up to him when I was in my early 20’s that I stopped being scared of him. Honestly I am scared of my cousin Chad and Darren but I can’t let them know that. I have to believe that I could defend myself if need be. Otherwise I will just panic.

My mom has said on numerous occasions that Darren would kill me, if we got into a fight. She doesn’t realize how that takes my power away but then again I am letting someone else take something from me. I need to stop that, but haven’t quite figured that out… I guess in a way it feels like she is saying I am WEAK!

I feel like GOD is just another person in my life that has put conditions on love and acceptance. Either I shape up or ship out! Conform to others beliefs or burn in hell.

I am dreading my grandmother’s funeral. Is it bad if I don’t go? I am just not sure I can handle it? I want to be there for my mom but I don’t want to have a breakdown. and not sure how I will respond to seeing both my cousins.

Lastly, back to salvation. I want it but not from those in my family, nor do I want it from the god they believe in. I want to be comforted to know that I will see my mom, sister, paige, peyton and grace again, when I die… For all I know, this is all the time I have left with them… And that scares me.

Those that believe in Hell thinks it is an external place but I believe it is right here on this planet. I guess that is what I need salvation from. I want to stop feeling worthless, unloved and dirty. Because as of right now the only people I believe love me are my mom, sister and my nieces and nephew.  And I am not convinced that my mother doesn’t still believe that I am going to hell because I am gay.

My mother use to say something like I love you, I just don’t accept your lifestyle. I was born gay, it is not my lifestyle. My family has put into my head that being gay is wrong and I have internalized that means that I am worthless and unlovable. And I don’t deserve to find love.

How do you get over all that???

In Love with a Monster

Eaten alive
The monsters swallowed me whole
Trapped in the dark, deep belly of the beast
I await for death to rescue me
As the acid slowly burns
But I am not fortunate enough for that

Try as I may to escape up
I climb up that slimy staircase
Into a jail cell full of jagged teeth
I scratch and pull until my fingers are bare

Until finally that metal gate rises
But just when I think freedom has arrived
The icy daggers of that gate dig deep into my flesh
Grabbing ahold of me, like a weed to a flower
Roots exposed bare, sucking the life out

Kept prisioner in a dark hole
Until the monster had his fun
And throws me back up
Lost in a world unknown and cruel

I long for that dark, damp hole
Even though the monsters long gone
I am still under his spell
He’s left his mark and thrown me out
A puppet for him to play when all his prey has gone astray

Control is his game and he’s out for blood
I am just a fly stuck in his web
Wings have been clipped
Strings that hold me invisible

Desperate to reach out
Yet frozen I remain
Trapped in a glass case
No amount of screams will do
Strangers just walk right by

I pray for god to arrive
But my prayers go unanswered
Years pass by
Long after my monster has moved on
But he stolen my heart
Leaving a hole in my chest

Set free years ago, yet still trapped in time I remain
Fight for it all to come to a close
But like a broken record
That final act bounds to repeat, over and over again
Fallen victim once again
Waiting for that day when he will want me again.

Over coming negative thoughts…

LOSER… that word keeps popping in my head. I try to not believe it but it is a feeling that is very deep.

HOPELESS… at times it feels like it is not going to get better. this is what life is going to be like.

I need to find a job but the idea just scares me. I did apply for a job last night. The money I have is not going to last me very long and if I don’t find a job soon, I won’t have money to pay the bills. Mainly my car payment… You would think the thought of losing my car would motivate me in finding a job but it doesn’t…

So all of this just makes me feel like a big ole loser… cause I am struggling with functioning…

I need therapy and I have done some researching into it but haven’t found a lot. Just gotta keep trying…

and not let these thoughts get the best of me….

 

My story in music and pictures. How different would my life have been?

Here is a video I created that represented my life and the thought of how different would my life be if I wasn’t a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

It has caused so much pain and anguish that sometimes it just seems to be all too much.My story in music and pictures. How different would my life have been?

It it is my story in pictures. Even though I am still struggling and don’t understand the reasoning behind the pain, I felt it important to end it on a spiritual note. It is my hope in creating this video, it will help me release that child that is locked so far away. Lost in a sea of confusion, fear and agony.

Hope you enjoy it.