Letting go…

This can be the hardest step to take but it is a very important one! I was reminded tonight, when I heard Selena Gomez’s song “Who Says” on the radio tonight, of some core beliefs I developed over the years…

I didn’t have the coping skills needed to deal with the hurt of others, so I just took it all on. So how else could anyone feel anything but less? I had so many people hurt me, that I just took it all too personal. Not only did I start thinking I was unworthy but that I was unlovable… How else could you explain a father not loving you?

At some point, I just stopped believing in myself and that I deserved wonderful things. I just gave up.

I have always wanted to spend my life with one person. I can remember early on, even before I knew I was gay, of this… It seemed so simple, finding the one you love and spending the rest of your life together. I mean watch any fairy tale, how could you believe anything else???

I guess I didn’t realize the struggles of being gay and fat… My heart was open and full of love… I didn’t realize that so many people couldn’t see past the weight for my heart. I world can be very honest and cruel when it comes to being fat.

I can remember my first love and how it felt… This was a time when I use to believe in forever. I thought we were going to be together forever. Well it didn’t last a summer. Not only did he break my heart but he put it through a meat grinder. Told me that he had never loved me and that he wasn’t attracted to me, and that he felt that way from the start…

I believed him and internalized it. I didn’t even question him… I was devastated. It felt like I had a hole in the middle of my chest and that he had ripped out my heart and smashed it with his feet!

Eventually I got over him and moved on but never let go of the hurt. Each time I was hurt there after, I just began to pile on their trash. I believed everything and it eventually ate away at my self esteem and worth…

When I found the chub and chaser community, I thought I would finally find a boyfriend. This only did a verse number on me… All most of these guys saw was an object. Again they couldn’t look past the fat to my heart, they only wanted my fat. It all just mirrored the sexual abuse and my feelings of just being a sexual object. One particular guy who I was started to fall for, lead me on and just used me for sex. To have someone you care about just use you for your body, destroys what was left of your self worth…

I believed that was all I was worth, a sexual object. I thought that is all guys wanted from me. I wasn’t good for anything else. All I wanted was for someone to love me and in return love them. That seemed unobtainable. So I figured since I couldn’t get what I wanted, I better take what I could. So sex was it but eventually it took started to eat away at my core.

You can only take so much abuse before you just say that’s ENOUGH! I was miserable and didn’t like who I had become. Prior to my last relationship, I had been single for over 10 years… Another belief I had grown into, was that I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. I mean if you are unlovable, certainly that means you will be single forever.

After that ended badly, I hit rock bottom… I had nothing left to give and no where to go… My soul had taken a beating and I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to get back up. I felt the lowest about myself ever. I felt completely worthless and void of any hope!

I guess I was grieving but didn’t realize it. Not just from the loss of a relationship but other pass loses and not just from romantic love… I think the key to gaining self worth was my connection back to my spirituality. The close I get to my inner spirituality the more whole I become.

It was almost like a light had sparked and slowly the layers of trash started to disintegrate. I started to see the real me and as I started to venture back out into the world I started to see I had value in this world…

I finally see that I am lovable and have all these wonderful gifts to give someone but I still have remnants of these false beliefs about myself. They can creep up on me, like a shadow in the night, from out of no where!

For so many years, I thought no one wanted these wonderful qualities I had. I always knew they were good qualities to have but I also knew that they scared people away. So I got it in my head, that I would never meet anyone being who I was… Someone who that much love to give, only scares people away. So I turned it off and shut it out.

I now realize that I am a treasure, filled with all the precious gems this world has to offer… I use to think I was a piece of coal. Another belief I struggle with is that I will never find a boyfriend being overweight. That is a horrible feeling to have.

I struggle with believing that I am beautiful being the size I am… Someone recently told me if I lost the weight, I could have anybody I wanted… and I thought to myself, why isn’t that true now? I have come a long weighs, when it comes to my weight… (yes I know I spelled ways wrong, I thought it was funny) I no longer think I am ugly, well most of the time, but I still struggle seeing myself as beautiful.

I think it is why Selena’s song touches me so much because deep down inside I believe it to be true…

I recently met someone a couple of months ago… It certainly has been an up and down journey getting to know him… I didn’t expect to feel the way I did. Another thing I have learned in life, is that just because you feel something doesn’t mean that the other person will be able to give it to you back. I think that is the hardest lesson in life to learn. Love is a two way street and sometimes you have to go the wrong way to learn which way is for you.

Everyone has baggage, whether they want to admit it or not! Some people just do a better job of hiding it in their closet. I have baggage. I am afraid of getting my heart broken. I keep people at a distance, I don’t let anyone get too close. The only people who are close to me are my mom, sister, my two nieces and nephew. Everyone else I keep them at a safe distance. Because I have learned when you let people close to you, it is when they hurt you or they go away…

Well some how, I let this guy close and now it scares the hell out of me. All these doubts and fears keep popping up. The ones I have worked hard to fight. That I am ugly, unlovable and will end up alone. I have to muster up every ounce of courage and strength to not lose it.

I have to also constantly remind myself to not take things personally but that is so difficult. You can’t make anyone want or love you. All you can do is be yourself and if that is not enough, you have to move on…

I question, why are some people so afraid of someone’s ability to love? At times it feels like some people would rather have someone treat them poorly, than well!

Relationships are tough, even platonic ones! They really are like a garden, they take lots of care and attention… I guess the thing I struggle with the most, is when I feel invisible in a relationship. Like my feelings, wants and wishes don’t matter.

Maybe they are triggers. I guess that makes sense. Each time someone does or says something to you, it triggers something in the past and reminds you of that act. It is very much like a broken record. It is very much what a flashback feels like.

My fear is that there is no one out there to love me the way I need them too. I am talking about a romantic love. I honestly can say I have never felt loved in a relationship. I have always been the one to put forth the effort. I had given so much and gotten very little back in return, that I couldn’t do it any longer.

I use to believe I didn’t deserve wonderful things or to be treated well. I now know that not to be the truth but I have to wonder when will my time be? I am also tired of hearing things like “You will find love, when you aren’t looking” or “You have to love yourself first”, etc… Sure there is truth there but no one ever wants to hear those things.

I just wish things were a little bit easier. Being a bigger guy and gay, and the fact that I don’t like other bigger guys, limits my choices. So when do I have a spark with someone and they seem to have one back, I have to wonder will this be my last chance? and when you feel like you never had a chance, that really hits you hard!

If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don’t, they never were.

I guess I am just tired of losing the love… I understand that love can be scary and there is great risk but they were is also great reward! I guess I am just hoping that someone out there can look past their fears and see the heart I have…

When you care about someone and are not able to share that, it is a very difficult thing… I also realize that I deserve to get love back… and I can’t hold onto false hope, if there is no chance. I guess that is why dating is so scary because there is no guarantees… It could end up disaster for all we know?

I just know how the opposite of trying feels like and it never will get you what you want. So I can’t do that any longer, as scary as this is. I just have to hold on… Sometimes that is the toughest part. I have to have faith that things will work out for the best.