Friendship…

I really appreciate those who have reached out to me. It means a lot to me.. Reaching out to others has always been a tough thing for me to do.

I am trying to push myself to get out of the house. I went out tonight to Axis for the Stompers show. I really wanted to stay home, I had to force myself to go. I felt it was important to support my friend Shaun.

I hate feeling off… All night long I felt physically off. Guess it comes with the territory.

Seeing the Stompers perform reminded me of the past, this time in a good way…

When I lived in Chicago around 2004, I use to go country dancing at Charlies all the time. I miss it.

Tonight was great because it got me thinking about my creativity… Thanks to Judy Garland for that 🙂

I have been struggling to tap into my creativity… I feel very blocked… Even with my drag character Puddin I feel blocked.

It is this constant struggle of wanting to be seen and then also wanting to be invisible.

I know that I have the potential for great things both inside and outside of Puddin.

I just have to hold on…

huggs

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WATCH THE ‘ANY WHICH WAY’ VIDEO NOW!

WATCH THE ‘ANY WHICH WAY’ VIDEO NOW!.

I am loving this new song by the Scissor Sisters. I am grooving the funky beats.

I really wish we could have music inputted directly into our brains…

Train wreck…

Last night I was talking to a dear friend and light bulbs began to light up…

I recently have realized how co-dependent I am. I have always been aware of this but did not realize how deep into it I was.

It is apparent to me that I lack coping skills. A long time ago, dealing with the sexual abuse and my father the only way I could cope was to remove myself from the situation. So I floated high above the skies, to the clouds above and disassociated from the problem. I have realized this is what I do today. When I have a problem I hide. I bury my head in the sand, just like an ostrich.

The problem is that I am aware but unmotivated to change or do something about it. I just keep hiding…

I also feel stuck, just like I felt when I was sexually abused and living with my dad… I am use to being in situations that I don’t want…

I find myself repeating patterns over and over..

For example, having random hookups. I know that having casual sex will not only leave me feeling dirty but most likely it will not get me what I want… and that is to be loved… I find myself forcing myself to have sex, even if I am not into it… Because something is better than nothing right? wrong! I find myself getting in situations where I want to leave, but feeling that I can’t. Instantly I am right back to those nights of the sexual abuse, where I wanted it to stop but couldn’t control it.

I know I need help but I am struggling in getting out of this cave of an apartment. I am struggling with functioning. I just don’t care… I am struggling with the idea of my ex moving out… Granted that I am not very happy here, a bad connection is better than none… For various reasons he is not the one. He can’t give me what I need. We are on different paths… but I am so desperate to hold onto him. Like I am holding onto the edge of the cliff about to fall to my death.

It is comfort vs. safety. I am comfortable here. I am not happy. I have protected myself with this invisible barrier.

I really want to connect to my spirituality but I feel so lost. I am not even sure what I believe in anymore. I certainty don’t believe in the god that Christians do.

I keep hearing that I need to leave the past in the past and I agree with that. The problem that I am having is dealing with the consequences from some of the choices I have made because of the past… Like for example, my over eating. I am currently over 400lbs, my knees are in bad shape and moving around is a struggle. Plus add the depression onto that makes it even more tough…

Another thing I do is self medicate, I look for quick fixes like food and sex.

I know that drinking regular soda will only harm me. I know the consequences of these actions but the need to feel better out ways any negative consequence.

It is amazing how complex ones mental well being is. Combine ones thoughts and emotions into a machine that can really cause a lot of damage.

I need to take better care of myself. Just seems like there is so much I need to change. It is not just one thing…

Even though I am hiding, I am trying somewhat… maybe not enough…

Another light bulb that went off last night was feeling the need to hide my well being. I am afraid to show my depressive side. It dawned on me it is probably what I felt not being able to tell anyone about the sexual abuse for so many years. You put on this happy face, yet feel like your dieing inside. It destroys.

Having two accounts on facebook can be a bit much at times. I wonder if I shouldn’t merge the two? I have tried to keep my Puddin account very positive. It is a big reason why I deleted a lot of columbus folks from my boy account. I don’t want anyone to see the darkness, because it is not me. My puddin side is the real me… That bubbly, loveable fun guy who just wants to laugh and enjoy life.

But facebook can be so lonely sometimes. I yearn for connection. I have over 300 facebook friends on both of my accounts and I couldn’t feel more separated.

I have forced myself to go out, though I want to stay home.

I just watched the movie Broken Hearts Club and I couldn’t help but feel sad. I want that… A group of friends that are family… I see that others have it and I want it. But it seems so far away…

I need to do something. I can’t keep doing this. I have got to break this cycle. Stop self destructing. My lease is up in October and my ex is planning on moving out. I am on the brink of failing out of college. I can’t be homeless again. This is the train wreck that I see happening, yet I have very little energy to stop it… I just hide… like always…

I am lost…

I have been running for so long that I have lost my way and am unaware from what and whom I am running from. Could it be I am running from myself?

I am so disconnected from not only the world around me but myself. I am hiding in seclusion.

Tired. ever so ready for this feeling to go away but it seems like it will remain.

My mind is clouded. Judgments are all around me.

Salvation is what I need. Purify my soul. Start from scratch. Move forward away from the past.

But I am trapped chained, doomed to repeat.

My life is a train wreck. I see it approaching but unsure and unwilling to stop it because I don’t care. To care is too much. Too much effort.

I need help.

but feel so far from it.

surrounded by walls of solitude.

I have lost my way. lost my spirituality.

believed every bad thing ever said about me.

where did I go wrong?

how did it get this bad?

how can I push myself?

I hate the way I am feeling.

I know I deserve better but i am choosing to punish myself. WHY?

what have I done to deserve this?

if I believe I am worthless

believe I am a loser

believe I am ugly

why do I struggle so much to take care of myself.

so desperate to connect to my spirituality.

death surrounds me.

it will not elude me.

it will find me.

what the fuck is going on with me?

am I even making any sense?

my mind knows what I need, who I am and what I deserve.

but my heart doesn’t hear it…

it only knows what has happened.

the pain that it has gone through.

the tears that have spread

the agony endured

the bruises, scrapes and wounds.

pureness turned dirty

i’ve lost my will to fight.

i don’t want to die.

but i don’t want to live like this either.

stuck in the middle.

i think about killing myself, think about slitting my wrists. i think about the blood draining from my veins. i want the the pain to leave my body. it hurts too much.

but don’t worry, i wouldn’t ever kill myself. too big of a chicken and i know the pain it would cause my family.

so much sorrow.

so much misery.

just want happiness.

i want to go home.

but it seems so far away.

my lease is up Oct 1st.

bobby (my ex) is planning on moving back to kent.

seems to have no regard for my feelings. seems that he wont miss me.

i know its probably for the best. but it still hurts.

i want to move back to michigan, to be closer to my family

but i am afraid

again I am behind in school. if I fail another quarter it will be the end of my schooling. I don’t want that but have no energy to finish.

so I just continue to hide. and do nothing. hide my head in the sand.

if I fail, I have no one to pick me back up. no where to go.

no one to save me.

because if there was, I would have surely been saved so many years ago. when i needed it the most.

but no one was there.

i am un saveable

I AM UN-SAVEABLE

waiting for my rescue. but no one will ever come.

ALONE…

god must be punishing me…

but what did i do.

to deserve all the hurtful words…

hurtful things…

innocence stolen from me…

UNLOVEABLE

UNREACHABLE

i just don’t care anymore.

what does caring get.

just heart ache…

my life seems like a constant broken record. my coping mechanism is to dissociate, go far away from the problem. Float high up in the sky, hide in the comforts of the clouds. bury my head underneath my pillow. Looking down, I see a boy. A boy who is scared. That couldn’t be me… It isn’t me. so it isn’t…

i am no longer in those situations, the ones that scarred me. but I am still stuck like a Polaroid.

i just want to be loved. by myself. but its so tough. i care way too much about what others feel about me. and how they feel about me determines who i am. i want to stop. but i have done it all my life. i am not sure how?

i have lost my will. lost my art. lost my passion. I have tried to get it back but have failed.

I feel like I am going crazy. my mind is dizzy.