I have been running for so long that I have lost my way and am unaware from what and whom I am running from. Could it be I am running from myself?
I am so disconnected from not only the world around me but myself. I am hiding in seclusion.
Tired. ever so ready for this feeling to go away but it seems like it will remain.
My mind is clouded. Judgments are all around me.
Salvation is what I need. Purify my soul. Start from scratch. Move forward away from the past.
But I am trapped chained, doomed to repeat.
My life is a train wreck. I see it approaching but unsure and unwilling to stop it because I don’t care. To care is too much. Too much effort.
I need help.
but feel so far from it.
surrounded by walls of solitude.
I have lost my way. lost my spirituality.
believed every bad thing ever said about me.
where did I go wrong?
how did it get this bad?
how can I push myself?
I hate the way I am feeling.
I know I deserve better but i am choosing to punish myself. WHY?
what have I done to deserve this?
if I believe I am worthless
believe I am a loser
believe I am ugly
why do I struggle so much to take care of myself.
so desperate to connect to my spirituality.
death surrounds me.
it will not elude me.
it will find me.
what the fuck is going on with me?
am I even making any sense?
my mind knows what I need, who I am and what I deserve.
but my heart doesn’t hear it…
it only knows what has happened.
the pain that it has gone through.
the tears that have spread
the agony endured
the bruises, scrapes and wounds.
pureness turned dirty
i’ve lost my will to fight.
i don’t want to die.
but i don’t want to live like this either.
stuck in the middle.
i think about killing myself, think about slitting my wrists. i think about the blood draining from my veins. i want the the pain to leave my body. it hurts too much.
but don’t worry, i wouldn’t ever kill myself. too big of a chicken and i know the pain it would cause my family.
so much sorrow.
so much misery.
just want happiness.
i want to go home.
but it seems so far away.
my lease is up Oct 1st.
bobby (my ex) is planning on moving back to kent.
seems to have no regard for my feelings. seems that he wont miss me.
i know its probably for the best. but it still hurts.
i want to move back to michigan, to be closer to my family
but i am afraid
again I am behind in school. if I fail another quarter it will be the end of my schooling. I don’t want that but have no energy to finish.
so I just continue to hide. and do nothing. hide my head in the sand.
if I fail, I have no one to pick me back up. no where to go.
no one to save me.
because if there was, I would have surely been saved so many years ago. when i needed it the most.
but no one was there.
i am un saveable
I AM UN-SAVEABLE
waiting for my rescue. but no one will ever come.
god must be punishing me…
but what did i do.
to deserve all the hurtful words…
innocence stolen from me…
i just don’t care anymore.
what does caring get.
just heart ache…
my life seems like a constant broken record. my coping mechanism is to dissociate, go far away from the problem. Float high up in the sky, hide in the comforts of the clouds. bury my head underneath my pillow. Looking down, I see a boy. A boy who is scared. That couldn’t be me… It isn’t me. so it isn’t…
i am no longer in those situations, the ones that scarred me. but I am still stuck like a Polaroid.
i just want to be loved. by myself. but its so tough. i care way too much about what others feel about me. and how they feel about me determines who i am. i want to stop. but i have done it all my life. i am not sure how?
i have lost my will. lost my art. lost my passion. I have tried to get it back but have failed.
I feel like I am going crazy. my mind is dizzy.