My depression lately has been extremely bad. I have no energy so that means not keeping up with my personal grooming. I haven’t brushed my teeth in days, if not a week. People scoff at me over that fact. I set a goal recently (in therapy) that I was going to brush my teeth every day. I did it for about a week then my depression got really bad. Now I’m back to not brushing. If you don’t have a mental illness things like brushing your teeth comes easy but when you have depression it’s like climbing Mount Everest.
Yesterday, I had my SSI hearing in front of the judge. He couldn’t believe that I set something so easy as a goal. The problem is that it’s not just brushing my teeth. It’s showering. Doing my laundry. Cleaning my house. I have this laundry list of tasks and it all becomes too overwhelming when I have them piling up on me like football players on the field.
Currently my apartment is in bad shape. I have six bags of trash that I need to take to the dumpster. I have stuff thrown all over the place. My bed is broken and I sleep on an incline. So far I haven’t rolled off my bed at night, which is surprising cause I’m a mover. I have no towels clean and only a few outfits left clean. That’s just the chores.
I don’t shave my beard because it takes at least 30 minutes. Which only makes my gender dysphoria worse. My hair a rats nest. I have tried to grow it out but I don’t brush it daily. Again you might be reading this and thinking just do it. I tell myself that too. I just don’t have the energy. Maybe that’s a cop out, I don’t know. It feels like I can’t physically move. Like I’m stuck in the spot I am. Paralyzed unable to move.
Then there’s eating. I have had hamburger sitting in the fridge for over a week. I can’t tell you how many times that food spoils. I only get $192 a month so losing food money is a big deal for me. Meat is expensive. I don’t do veggies so I’m limited as to what I can eat. Usually I stick to frozen food, yuck. Those are also pricey. I’ve learned to cut corners when it comes to eating, in order just to fill a need. A lot of the food I eat isn’t that appealing but I don’t have any other choice. I get tired of the same things over and over. I yearn for a home cooked meal.
Cooking is complicated. It’s not just the task of making the meal but it’s also the clean up. Making a meal like hamburgers takes what little energy I have away. It’s stressful because I start thinking about the dishes. If I cook a meal chances are I won’t have the energy to clean the dishes. So they sit there. If they sit for too long fruit flies start to multiply. So it’s easier if I don’t cook. Granted most the time I don’t have the energy to make a home cooked meal.
Even this post causes me anxiety. Not just thinking about it all but the task of writing a lengthy post. What will I say? Will I sound stupid? Will people judge me? I’m already wanting to stop writing but I have a few more things I need to say. So here we go.
My life is pretty miserable. I live in darkness most the time, regardless if it’s a sunny day. I just want some relief. I thought it was going to be getting approved for SSI but that doesn’t appear that will happen. So it’s another two years of suffering. It’s extremely difficult to live off $200 a month in income. Money doesn’t make you happy, they say. Well not having any money can make you pretty miserable. Not having a car I’m limited to what I can do. I’m living in a forced isolation most the time. I was hoping that the hearing would go in my favor and I could finally get a car. Which would mean I could go to the grocery store when I wanted. I could visit my family whenever I wanted.
Instead I’m stuck at home, staring at the walls. I can’t volunteer or the judge will use that against me. If I can’t brush my teeth I certainly won’t have the energy to use my artistic abilities. So I’m stuck in my depression. While the medicine helps other aspects of my mental health like PTSD dreams, anxiety, etc it doesn’t help the depression at all. Nothing seems to cut through the dark, turbulent cloud.
I have lived in that cloud since 2012, when my Mom died. I can’t find my way out. So I just suffer deeply. People tell me that I’m stronger than I think, they’re wrong. I already know that I’m very strong. That’s fact. It’s been proven for how long I have suffered from depression. When I cry for help I’m desperate for relief from the symptoms. Telling me that I’m stronger than I think isn’t going to help alleviate the pain. You would never tell that to someone with migraines.
As I write this I’m hungry. I am getting low on food that I can make quickly. I have no energy to make a meal so I will just sit here and starve. Until I get desperate enough to eat peanut butter or bread. No one should have to live like that. I’m even getting low on frozen food. So I go hungry most of the time.
Depression sucks the life out of you. Things you once enjoyed now become unbearable. For example, playing cards with the ladies who live in my complex. I don’t get any enjoyment playing cards lately. I enjoy their company and it’s really why I go. Everything is a bore.
So right now I’m a mess, literally and figuratively. I’m wondering how I can get by another two years like this. I don’t know what I am going to do. I just want the symptoms to be elevated. I’m tired of feeling like I’m dying.
Living a Depressed Life 