Inside My Mind

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Inside my mind

Is where I stay

Deep in despair

Falling from the sky

Like elephants with tubas

Stomp, Stomp, Stomping

Upon my head

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Chaos is spinning

While the walls are closing in

Crazily paranoid is what I become

9.0 on the richter scale

I am my own fault line

Out of whack, emotionally wrecked

I wish I could stop all this madness

Drowning in thoughts

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Unwilling to vanish

Desperate for a lifeboat

Tripping in darkness

Stumbling in fear

Tremble, Tremble, Tremble

Blindly reaching for the light

Gasping for life

Prison bars of solitude

Holds me captive

Like a funhouse full of mirrors

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Filled full of clowns

Pointing and laughing

Staring me down

Circling my mind

Seeing only stars

Spinning, yo-yo-ing

Out of control

Waiting and wanting

For my mind to stop spiraling

Gasping for air

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Swallowing only rocks

Like shards of glass

Inside my mind

A life sentence

and I just want parole

Forever trapped inside my mind

screaming

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Unraveled Heart

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Unraveled Heart

by Derek Stephens

 

my heart’s come undone

unraveled pile of yarn

leaving a hole in my chest

open and exposed

raw ripping pain

there I lie unraveled I’ve become

gasping for air

choking on grief

holding on for dear life

as I dangle from the edge

hanging from a thread

with no needle in sight

my hands become weak

my body sore

no where to go but down

I give in and let go

falling I tumble

drowning in mid air

I reach out for help

but no one is there

flashes of memories

all seems like history now

free falling plummet

straight to the ground

crash burn fish out of water

tangled in my own yarn

cutting like barbed wire

strangling and piercing

covered in blood

numb with no feeling

desperate for comfort

to soothe my horror

begging to be awoken

eyes wide open

consumed with anger

questions unanswered

wondering why

if. if. if.

only

left unraveled

million puzzle pieces

miles of yarn

no needles in sight

gather I must

string back together

my big ball of yarn

the last pieces of my unraveled heart…

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Frankenmom

Cut into, tumor removed

Virus a hold of her body

Constant beeps, ticks and noises

Tubes here, tubes there, tubes everywhere

There lies the woman I once knew

Peacefully asleep

Bandaged, bruised and bleeding

I await for the day when she awakes

Where is the switch

That will bring my frankenmom back to life

A lighting bolt is all it will take

But all I keep hearing are those beeps going beep beep beep…

Afib, bp, and oxygenation

Have all become common terms

Fevers become the constant norm

Doctors speak, as I nod and stare blankly in return

I hear what they are saying

But can’t comprehend a single word

Constantly riding a roller coaster

Where you just wait for the bottom to fall out

Wandering the hallways, they all look the same

Feeling out of your mind

Floating in midair

When they cut out the cancer,

They cut out my heart

Trapped in a hospital room

Watching in fear

Surrounded by strangers

Who toss my mom around

Like she is a ragdoll

Poking and prodding my frankenmom

Like she is a guinea pig

During which my frankenmom can’t say a word

She can’t yell or scream, or tell them to stop

and neither can I…

Frozen I watch her body wither

Frail and weakened by time

While a machine pumps her full of air

Like she’s a hot air balloon

How I wish we both could just float away

To a place where there were no beeps, sickness or pain

But there we both lie paralyzed

They tell me there is no hope

That she will surely die

All I can see is the woman I love

Not the body that lays battered and torn

Filled full of tubes and IV’s

Covered in bed sores

This can’t be my Mother

A woman once so full vibrant and full of life

Then who is this shell of a woman?

Her hair matted down

No longer the way she loved her hair styled

Her skin pale and puffy

With her fingernails bare

A tube down her throat

Her eyes in a blank stare

I lay at her bedside

Holding her cold hands

Instantly transformed into her little boy again

So scared and looking for comfort

I look in her eyes

and there is my Mother

Finally I am able to look past all the tubes, doctors and machines

If only I was Superman

But alas I don’t have the power to save her

My frankenmom’s body is tired and ready to rest

No amount of lightning will be able to bring her back to life

Paralyzed by sorrow

Deep in shock

They tell me she’s dying

Slowly her heart stops to beat

As her organs give out

While her tubes are removed

And the machines are turned off

Her body lays still

Her lungs don’t make a sound

Silence is in the air

As a downpour of tears falls upon her body

I hold onto the shell of my Mother

With all dear might

I pray this is all just some horrible nightmare

That I will surely awake

But my eyes are wide open

And this is my new reality…

A hole in my heart

Spirit has cracked

Shaken and battered

Falling apart

I still hear the beep, beep, beep

Pick up the pieces

Sew them back together

One stitch at a time

Now I am the frankenson

Awaiting for my bolt of lightning

That will bring me back to life…