Inside My Mind

where_is_my_mind

Inside my mind

Is where I stay

Deep in despair

Falling from the sky

Like elephants with tubas

Stomp, Stomp, Stomping

Upon my head

1579261h1

Chaos is spinning

While the walls are closing in

Crazily paranoid is what I become

9.0 on the richter scale

I am my own fault line

Out of whack, emotionally wrecked

I wish I could stop all this madness

Drowning in thoughts

drowning-thoughts-85756

Unwilling to vanish

Desperate for a lifeboat

Tripping in darkness

Stumbling in fear

Tremble, Tremble, Tremble

Blindly reaching for the light

Gasping for life

Prison bars of solitude

Holds me captive

Like a funhouse full of mirrors

8099428.87

Filled full of clowns

Pointing and laughing

Staring me down

Circling my mind

Seeing only stars

Spinning, yo-yo-ing

Out of control

Waiting and wanting

For my mind to stop spiraling

Gasping for air

369113572_24fc34005a

Swallowing only rocks

Like shards of glass

Inside my mind

A life sentence

and I just want parole

Forever trapped inside my mind

screaming

Advertisements

Unraveled Heart

unraveled_heart_by_cammo7495-d5ake7r

Unraveled Heart

by Derek Stephens

 

my heart’s come undone

unraveled pile of yarn

leaving a hole in my chest

open and exposed

raw ripping pain

there I lie unraveled I’ve become

gasping for air

choking on grief

holding on for dear life

as I dangle from the edge

hanging from a thread

with no needle in sight

my hands become weak

my body sore

no where to go but down

I give in and let go

falling I tumble

drowning in mid air

I reach out for help

but no one is there

flashes of memories

all seems like history now

free falling plummet

straight to the ground

crash burn fish out of water

tangled in my own yarn

cutting like barbed wire

strangling and piercing

covered in blood

numb with no feeling

desperate for comfort

to soothe my horror

begging to be awoken

eyes wide open

consumed with anger

questions unanswered

wondering why

if. if. if.

only

left unraveled

million puzzle pieces

miles of yarn

no needles in sight

gather I must

string back together

my big ball of yarn

the last pieces of my unraveled heart…

4988464591_a264df31a9_z

 

 

Frankenmom

Cut into, tumor removed

Virus a hold of her body

Constant beeps, ticks and noises

Tubes here, tubes there, tubes everywhere

There lies the woman I once knew

Peacefully asleep

Bandaged, bruised and bleeding

I await for the day when she awakes

Where is the switch

That will bring my frankenmom back to life

A lighting bolt is all it will take

But all I keep hearing are those beeps going beep beep beep…

Afib, bp, and oxygenation

Have all become common terms

Fevers become the constant norm

Doctors speak, as I nod and stare blankly in return

I hear what they are saying

But can’t comprehend a single word

Constantly riding a roller coaster

Where you just wait for the bottom to fall out

Wandering the hallways, they all look the same

Feeling out of your mind

Floating in midair

When they cut out the cancer,

They cut out my heart

Trapped in a hospital room

Watching in fear

Surrounded by strangers

Who toss my mom around

Like she is a ragdoll

Poking and prodding my frankenmom

Like she is a guinea pig

During which my frankenmom can’t say a word

She can’t yell or scream, or tell them to stop

and neither can I…

Frozen I watch her body wither

Frail and weakened by time

While a machine pumps her full of air

Like she’s a hot air balloon

How I wish we both could just float away

To a place where there were no beeps, sickness or pain

But there we both lie paralyzed

They tell me there is no hope

That she will surely die

All I can see is the woman I love

Not the body that lays battered and torn

Filled full of tubes and IV’s

Covered in bed sores

This can’t be my Mother

A woman once so full vibrant and full of life

Then who is this shell of a woman?

Her hair matted down

No longer the way she loved her hair styled

Her skin pale and puffy

With her fingernails bare

A tube down her throat

Her eyes in a blank stare

I lay at her bedside

Holding her cold hands

Instantly transformed into her little boy again

So scared and looking for comfort

I look in her eyes

and there is my Mother

Finally I am able to look past all the tubes, doctors and machines

If only I was Superman

But alas I don’t have the power to save her

My frankenmom’s body is tired and ready to rest

No amount of lightning will be able to bring her back to life

Paralyzed by sorrow

Deep in shock

They tell me she’s dying

Slowly her heart stops to beat

As her organs give out

While her tubes are removed

And the machines are turned off

Her body lays still

Her lungs don’t make a sound

Silence is in the air

As a downpour of tears falls upon her body

I hold onto the shell of my Mother

With all dear might

I pray this is all just some horrible nightmare

That I will surely awake

But my eyes are wide open

And this is my new reality…

A hole in my heart

Spirit has cracked

Shaken and battered

Falling apart

I still hear the beep, beep, beep

Pick up the pieces

Sew them back together

One stitch at a time

Now I am the frankenson

Awaiting for my bolt of lightning

That will bring me back to life…

In Love with a Monster

Eaten alive
The monsters swallowed me whole
Trapped in the dark, deep belly of the beast
I await for death to rescue me
As the acid slowly burns
But I am not fortunate enough for that

Try as I may to escape up
I climb up that slimy staircase
Into a jail cell full of jagged teeth
I scratch and pull until my fingers are bare

Until finally that metal gate rises
But just when I think freedom has arrived
The icy daggers of that gate dig deep into my flesh
Grabbing ahold of me, like a weed to a flower
Roots exposed bare, sucking the life out

Kept prisioner in a dark hole
Until the monster had his fun
And throws me back up
Lost in a world unknown and cruel

I long for that dark, damp hole
Even though the monsters long gone
I am still under his spell
He’s left his mark and thrown me out
A puppet for him to play when all his prey has gone astray

Control is his game and he’s out for blood
I am just a fly stuck in his web
Wings have been clipped
Strings that hold me invisible

Desperate to reach out
Yet frozen I remain
Trapped in a glass case
No amount of screams will do
Strangers just walk right by

I pray for god to arrive
But my prayers go unanswered
Years pass by
Long after my monster has moved on
But he stolen my heart
Leaving a hole in my chest

Set free years ago, yet still trapped in time I remain
Fight for it all to come to a close
But like a broken record
That final act bounds to repeat, over and over again
Fallen victim once again
Waiting for that day when he will want me again.

Flashback

flashes of memories come crashing by
like a wave that drowns a soul
sinking to the bottom of the sea
your eyes are wide open
yet it feels like a dream
more like a nightmare
but its more non-fiction than fantasy
flashes of light that blind you
a time machine back to a wretched time
that you’d soon just forget
haunting your dreams
stealing your fate
trapped in a time riddled full of sorrow
caged in an illusion
screaming won’t do
no one is there to hear the noise
surrounded by a room full of mirrors
a funhouse filled full dagers
piercing and cutting you in half
your life flashes right in front of you
like looking at a photo album covered in thorns
ripping at your heart
draining you dry
blood stained chard’s of glass only remain
remnants of what could have been
what should have been
who was that ghost boy that haunts you
follows you every where you venture
hiding won’t do
because he is always there
tears drip dry from his pale, sad face
only a hole in the middle of his chest remains
and blood stained little hands
you reach out, to only have him fade away
could he have went home
but his heart is missing
and he can’t go home without it
how can he tell you where to find it,
when words escape him in gasps of air?
a lost little boy
tormented by the chains that drag him
with each action the daggers dig even deeper
silent he remains there waiting
try as you might to close your eyes, he still remains there
a ghost of lost innocence’s
he longs to play again
but his playground is now filled full of perversions
empty hopes of the sick
he wanders among the zombies
trying not to awake their restless souls
the boy tips toes past them
the devil kept him from his mother
filled him with deceit
transplanted veins that drip full of lies
love has turned into hate
the little boys been hung out to dry
in a world turned upside down
we’re desperate to fill that aching hole that’s been punched through our chest
but no amount of caulk will fill that emptiness
it is that exact moment
that you realize that the ghost has always been you