Hello From the Other Side

Just like everyone else I fell in love with Adele’s new song Hello but it wasn’t until today that it took on a deep meaning for me. It’s often easy to get caught up in your pain and that’s all you can see. The grief/pain takes a hold of you and it won’t let go. After my Mom died I didn’t think I was going to make it. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to.

Today I realized that I’m on the other side of the grief and pain. I’m no longer in those bad places. While I’m not sure of the future my feet are firmly planted into the ground. My foundation is no longer shaky as I’ve swept it away. Now the task is to rebuild a much stronger and stable foundation so that when life hits me again I won’t fall, or at least as hard and long.

I’ve been on the other side for way to long. I’ve purposely locked myself in that place because I didn’t think I deserved anything better nor did I think I could get anything better. So I tolerated the pain because that was how I survived.

A million little stars lit up my sky today. It’s a great feeling to realize that you’ve moved forward and are now just looking outside looking in. During the grief and pain I held onto dear life to what I now realize was hope. Sometimes that’s all we have to hang onto. It doesn’t matter how big or small that mustard seed of faith is, as long as it’s there you’ll weather the storm.

So if you’re struggling just hang in there. There is another side that we often can’t see. You’re not alone, as I have been there and so many others have/are.

Huggs

 

Father Figure

My relationship with my father has been estranged for as long as I can remember. For many years I didn’t want anything to do with him because he was just too toxic. I couldn’t handle the risk of rejection so I set a healthy boundary, more like a impenetrable wall. Not only has he caused a lot of harm to me but my sister and Mom as well. The last ten years of my Mom’s life was extremely difficult because of him. He left her with no money or a place to live. My Mom also lost her insurance.

If she hadn’t had her insurance taken away the Doctors might had found the Cancer sooner. Instead she couldn’t afford to go to the doctor. It’s impossible to look at him and not feel all of that which make me angry. I didn’t realize until recently how much anger I had hidden. I mean I knew I didn’t care for him but I didn’t know how the damaging that hatred was for my soul. I held onto the anger because it was easier than dealing with the hurt. The only way I knew how to cope with the loss was to fuel it into anger.

While I’m not as angry as I was before it’s still difficult at times to see him and not see the hurt. I recently ran into him during a family function and it felt so awkward and strange. It didn’t look like he was going to attend my Uncle’s birthday party and I was okay with that but at the last minute he showed up with his new wife. I refuse to call her stepmom. She’s more like the evil stepmother in Cinderella with her two wicked daughters. Yeah, I still have some anger in there… lol

When my Mom died three years ago it felt like I was an orphan. It’s a horrible feeling to feel that way with a parent still alive. It wasn’t until recently that I had started to think about having him in my life again but how do you trust someone who has caused you a lot of pain???

I’m still not at a point in my life where I can deal with the rejection. I know that if we had a relationship again it would be on his terms. It would be different if he had made an effort to be in my life and he hasn’t. At this family function I heard him talking about his new family and it still stung.

Five years ago he apologized for his approach to religion. These were the words I had wanted to hear for a very long time and when I finally heard them they didn’t mean a thing to me. They were just words. It didn’t make me feel any better. To give you an idea of how he approached anyone who he felt needed saving it would usually be all fire and brimstone. He told me so many times that I was going to hell that I believed him. I would have end of the world nightmares of Jesus calling people’s names of who was going to heaven and my name was never called. There was a time that the thought of God or even Jesus would set me into a panic. So I dealt with the only way I knew how and it was stop believing in anything.

The father I want and need just doesn’t exist. That hurts deeply. I feel robbed. I see fathers with their children and I think to myself why couldn’t I have had that. For too long I took it personal, a reflection of who I was. If my father didn’t love me (or didn’t know how) it must mean that I’m unloveable. I grew up believing that. My relationship with God has been very much the same way. I didn’t feel I was worthy of his/her love. I need to learn to separate the two but that’s difficult.

I’ve had over thirty years of believing that I was unloveable to the point where it’s been hard wired into my consciousness. I’ve come a long way from where I once was. I still struggle with my self worth but I now know that I deserve better. It’s difficult when the people who are suppose to love, protect and support you don’t. It’s very easy to take it personal. That’s my greatest flaw. I take everything personal and it’s something I’m working on.

I just have to learn to separate my feelings from these relationships and realize that it’s all on them… not me. It hurts and it sucks royally but it’s something I’ve had to accept. Some people just don’t have the capacity to give you what you need or deserve. I’m sure in some way my father loves me. I’m almost forty years old and I still feel like I’m that little boy who wants his dad to do the things fathers usually do.

In the end, he’s missed out on a lot of wonderful moments and a great person. He’s the one missing out. I’m done waiting. I’m done trying to make someone love me. It’s just not possible. If I’m to have a relationship with him it will always be conditional and it’s something I just have to accept. It’s sad to say but I’m at the point in my life where I will take whatever I can get.

I will never have the relationship with him that I need and that’s not my fault at all. I also can’t forget all he’s done. I can and will let go of all the anger because it doesn’t do me any good. It just poisons me.

 

Feeling Lost

I thought my art show in NYC in August was going to forever change my life… it was my big break. Four months have passed and I’m back where I started. I’m extremely grateful for the opportunity but it’s left me feeling lost and wondering what I do next.

I want to make a difference and since my Mom died in 2012 I’ve been trapped in a prison cell of my own doing. I have had many times in my life that I’ve felt broken, beat down and hopeless but this was the first time I was unsure I could be put back together. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to be put together.

Outside was a frightening world. A place where I was alone. My Mom was no longer there to comfort me. So I went inward like a scared rabbit. Down the rabbit hole I went into a very dark place. You can only put yourself back together so many times. Each time becomes more difficult than the last to a point where you have no energy to get back up.

The day my Mom died was the day I died. She took a part of me with her. A world without my Mom was just unbearable. I just couldn’t fathom going on without her. When she died I had no one. I was alone in that hospital room. I had no one to turn to. The one person who had always been there for me lay there silent. I’ve been trapped in those moments for a very long time.

Thankfully I’ve gotten through that darkness. I’ve worked very hard to walk away from it all but it’s left me with a lot of emptiness. I want my life to mean something. I don’t want it all to be in vain.

While the grief is no longer prominent in my life I still struggle to move forward. I’m at the point of the grieving process where I just can’t feel those things anymore. They’re just too painful.

My depression is still an unwanted friend. It’s a constant battle with yourself. I’m scared as hell to go back into the world because of what is possible both good and bad. I’ve let the nay sayers have control for too long. I have tolerated less. I have suffered deeply. I’ve believed everything they said. Still to this day their words are loud and clear.

I know I deserve better. I’m just not sure how to make it happen. There is a quote from The Walking Dead that I really related to. “Dolor hic tibi proderit olim.” Which translates to, “This pain will be useful to you.”

So how can I use my pain to suit me and the world around me. I can’t say I’m broken but I’m not put together either. I’d like to use my experiences and help others. I know so many people need to hear my message but how do I make my voice heard.

I’ve lost my voice and only still it’s back to a murmur. I’m half the person I once was. I’m different. I’ve lived in misery for too long to suffer anymore but here I remain. If only there was a do over button but that’s not how life works.

I’m at the point in my life where I don’t even know what I want to do. I’ve had all these great ideas but the days stack up like clouds in the sky. They just float away. There is something I can’t let go of. I can’t put my fingers on it but I know it’s deep within.

I’ve recently realized how angry I was and how deeply rooted it was in my misery. I’ve felt many things in my life but anger has always frightened me. Still to this day I absolutely hate it when someone is mad at me. I constantly live in fear that someone is mad at me, especially those I love the most.

I want to yell to expel it. I open my mouth and only air escapes. I’ve blamed myself for all the bad things in my life from the abuse to my father. These things had to happen because I was unloveable. When you’re a child (even an adult) you wonder why me??? What did I do to deserve this? You don’t have the experience to realize it had nothing to with you.

I was groomed to fear. God was a scary figure in my life and I grew up believing he was punishing me. Still to this day I hold onto many of those feelings. My pain has consumed me and I just can’t allow that anymore. I’m tired of feeling that God’s punishing me.

I tolerated bad situations because I didn’t think I deserved anything better. I know now that’s not the case. I just want to be free. I don’t want to suffer anymore. I want to wake up and feel excited again. I don’t want to be alone. I wish I could just break free and not look back.

Sometime hope is all we have to hold onto. So I will hold on for dear life…