I have seen some posts in regards to people praying for the victims of the Oklahoma tornado’s and my first reaction was disgust but then I thought about that feeling they were having. It made me think about my own questioning in regards to the various bad things that have occurred in life. Like why do bad things happen to good people? Why doesn’t God intervene to protect his/her children?

If I really start to think about it, I can get really angry. There is a great injustice of living in a world where we are told there is this high power who created such wonderful things in seven days and then have that same power stay silent. I guess in a way it triggers my own insecurities about a father figure never being there for me, never protecting me that way I needed.

Of course I am no longer a child and have learned in life that it is only I who can protect myself and I think that is the tragic flaw of religion… is that it passes the buck to some external force, when all along the power has been within in us. This beautiful and wonderful force isn’t outside of ourselves, it is deep within. I also feel that is why the world is in such a discord. You have those who have a lack of regard for anything beautiful, loving and full of life. People who have turned off their own inner humanity and have learned the only way they will get anything is by force. Then you have those individuals who are so out of control they use this idea to keep their fears at bay and in order to keep them safe they feel the need to save everyone around them…

As a gay man I have been severely turned off by religion for many different reasons and by doing so I also turned off my own inner spirituality. That is the true loss of it all and those who feel the need to preach their message and save the world. They cause such harm that they scare away those that need the light the most.

When tragedy happens it is natural for people to come together and pray… I also think it is natural for others to feel anger too. I am not discounting prayer at all and I believe in the power of the energy behind it but I also think it takes more than prayer, it takes action. It is sad that it takes tragedies like Oklahoma for people to come together. What about all the other days in between? Have we lost our sense of humanity. People need help every single day of the year but how often do people go without?

Help isn’t something that has to be grand. It can be as simple as smiling at a stranger or calling a friend to see how they are. Help could also be picking up a piece of trash on the street or reaching out to someone who is struggling. For me that is God in action. If you think about Jesus, what was he all about? His message was service and taking care of others. I look at many aspects of this world and I don’t see him in peoples actions, though I hear his name spoken quite often.

We live in a fast paced world these days, where many people don’t want to be troubled. They don’t have the time or the energy. So many people just hide behind the crowd. Look how many people look at the homeless and I am not talking about the people on the street corners asking for money. People either don’t want to get involved or they just don’t care or they are waiting for the person to ask for help. Well sometimes the person isn’t strong enough to ask for help.

Today I watched this video of a courageous young man by the name of Zach. At the age of 14 he found out a he had a rare form of Cancer. He didn’t let the news that he had terminal Cancer stop him from living a full life. Honestly I think he lived more in the three years, that most people do in their whole life. You didn’t have to know Zach to know he was filled with the essence of God. He glowed with so much love, life and spirit. His mission in life was to just make people happy, to make them feel loved. In a short period time he touched so many people, it transcended the globe.

Today he passed away. Zach is an example of what life is really about, love and happiness. His love was infectious and even Cancer couldn’t kill that. Though I don’t think the news of him having Cancer and that he would die really changed who he was, other than that he probably embraced it more. I will admit I wish I was more like Zach, so unafraid of living. I mean we all are terminal, we all will eventually die but even I get bogged down with life. We lose our will to fight and become zombies looking for our next feed.

I have been on both ends of the spectrum when it comes to God. I have doubted and questioned him/her/it… I have felt the grace of God as well, usually when I have met someone else. Many are taught to question God is unholy and not natural but I don’t believe that to be true. I think it is our duty to question anything that doesn’t seem right and outside of the message of love.

There is so much that I don’t know and I don’t begin to act like I know anything, especially when it comes to this universe. I don’t know why Tornadoes happen or why people are taken before their prime. Why do humans hurt children and why do they get Cancer? Is this world a test or a punishment. These are all things that I have thought about during my time on this planet.

The only thing I am confident about is love. This world can never have too much love and care. I see what the absence of it does. It causes war, murder and hate. Will you be the person who reaches down to help someone up or will be the type of person who just walks right by… or even worse keeps them from getting up.

As someone who has a big heart living in this world can really cut you up, if you aren’t careful. It is so easy to put a big wall around your heart and become jaded. I have been there and done that. I wasn’t getting hurt but I was just as miserable as before. I see the world and believe we are constantly at War. I look at the world and see so many wounded people, not wounded by guns or bombs but by hate, words and judgment.

Words can cause just as much damage as any gun, knife or bomb, especially if it’s constantly repeated to you. Just look at the various social media outlets, advertising and news organizations. Just look at the CEO of Abercrombie & Fitch’s attitudes towards overweight people. Think of the damage that those words do to children that hear them. In a sense corporations are telling the world that if you don’t fit in that image, you have no worth. This is just one example and these kinds of things happen because we allow them to. It all trickles down and effects everybody, especially our children who are our future.

In the CEO’s message could love be found anywhere? Other than the love of the all mighty dollar and that is what it comes down to. The value of the dollar has been put above humanity. Just look at our health care system. Those that need help are often turned away or go broke in order to heal. Where is the love in that?

Then you have those who believe in various causes like global warming, abortion rights and many different worthy causes. They post their causes all over Facebook, they exercise their right to vote and might attend a rally but where are these people in the day to day living of life and those who are in need. My point is that so often people get behind a cause and it is the people affected by those causes who lose out.

Like for example when I tried to kill myself, sure there were people who got involved that day out of concern but where were they before and after? After I got out of the hospital I didn’t hear from many people, especially my family. I don’t say this to make anyone feel bad, I am just using this as an example. I am thankful that I am strong enough now to fight and am working on recovering but so many people don’t have that luxury… So many people are successful in killing themselves. People don’t get involved because either they don’t know how, they don’t want to upset you, they don’t have the time or they just don’t care. So many people fall through the cracks.

I guess I am angry… I have been very angry at God for a while now… and I guess in a sense angry with the humans of this world that sit by and do nothing!!! Wow, I guess this post and this idea has uncovered some hidden hurt I have been feeling. I know in the end it will be me that saves me but every one needs support and love… There are so many people who are like myself who have been kicked down and don’t feel they can get back up. They feel unworthy of any kind of love from God, the world and even themselves. They have lost their will to fight. The longer you are down in that horrible place, the harder it is to get back up… Many just give up and stay in that position or take their own lives.

In the end, I can see why people lose their faith and even become atheists. There was a time that I was close to atheism. While I am still figuring things out for myself and working on releasing my own inner spirituality, I know one thing is for sure. That I am going to continue to embrace love and reach out to those in need.