Insecurities…

How does one over come them?

I have lived in Columbus, Ohio for over two years. I have built this wall of protection.

I have learned isolation is not my friend…

I am trying to make new friends. But I am really afraid… I am not sure of what…

And my fears and insecurities are getting the best of me. They are getting the best of me. I am doubting myself and who I am.

My negativity is like a monster, the more I feed into it the larger it becomes…

Good friends take time to build but I really could use some good friends. I am questioning everything.

I have these amazing connections but then my insecurities cause me to go back into my isolation.

I am so afraid of getting hurt and being left behind.

I see these other people talk about each other and how much they love each other. and I am like I want that…

I guess what I long for is a community where I can be accepted and loved. A family of my own.

I have to have faith, but that has never been my strong suit.

My depression has took its toll on me. And everything seems to be too much.

I have a week to get caught up in my schooling and I pray that I can do it.

I have had two days off and have wasted them hiding in bed.

I know I am beating myself up. I am good at that too.

I have to remind myself we all have bad days. and not allow myself to get consumed by it…

i have to believe in myself and have faith that things will change.

i am struggling with the choice of going back to Michigan to be closer to my family or stick it out here and give it a shot. guess time will tell.

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dreams…

so I started to watch chorus line video’s on youtube and I started to think of my dreams…

i once dreamed of being on broadway…

but I gave up on that dream…

i quickly looked up i dreamed a dream from les miserables…

i couldn’t help but cry…

my life is certainly where i planned it to be…

it is a struggle, a constant one…

i am reminded of the pain, on a daily basis…

life has killed the dream in me…

i am trying to fight it, really i am…

but it is just so tough…

it feels too late…

the dreams have been washed away…

i can see why people kill themselves, this world is not for the faint hearted…

I have thought about it, i am not going to lie…

i know the pain it would cause my family…

and i couldn’t do that to them…

i just want it to end, the pain…

life just feels a burden..

i am trying…

trying to make friends…

the risk of getting hurt seems too much…

i feel so alone, in a world filled full of millions…

i want to be heard, i want to be seen. for who i am…

i have lost my way…

performing use to be so amazing for me…

doing drag has brought some of that back…

but the fears, insecurities of it all is crippling..

why am i this way…

i have a good heart…

why do i torture myself…

why do I hide so much…

i yearn for connection…

good friends to laugh with…

a life filled full of laughter, no tears…

i use to be so creative, now it just seems a challenge…

the thought of drawing with a pencil and paper almost gives me a panic attack…

There are dreams that cannot be and there are storms we cannot weather. I had a dream my life would be so different from this hell I’m living. So different now from what it seemed. Now life has killed the dream I dreamed….

i am angry…

angry that not everyone does the right thing…

that people don’t stand up for others…

that people tolerate bad behaviors…

that people hurt other people and get away with it…

that my family is more willing to accept a child molester of a cousin, than a drag queen faggot…

that my father does not have the capactiy to love me and my sister like we need him to…

that he treated my mother so poorly for so many years, and left her in shambles to pick up the pieces…

i want to scream at the top of my lungs, but no sound comes out…

i see my life continuing on, like I am above watching…

i can picture certain moments of hurt, like they happened yesterday…

i close my eyes and i am there…

i learned to hide underneath my pillow…

but i am an adult and I can’t hide forever…

i force myself to go out into the world, with my wounds exposed…

having no choice but to risk getting hurt…

because I have to pay my bills…

and try to find a little piece of happiness before it is all over…