I have wanted to see this movie since it first came out into the theatres. I am a huge Natalie Portman fan.

I had a date last night (which was wonderful) and we saw Black Swan. I will admit I was rather apprehensive about seeing it, especially on a first date. I knew that it was a deep movie and wasn’t sure I was prepared for the intensity but I saw it anyways. I pushed through my fears…

It was everything I thought it would be and so much more. This movie is so deep and intense that I am still pondering it all. Any movie that captures you and transports you into that said movie, is amazing in my book! I can remember feeling that I was experiencing what was happening right in front of my eyes. Not only was I feeling it but I was also experiencing it!

There was a point of the movie, where I lost myself. It was like I became one with the movie.

I really relate and empathize with this idea of a black swan. It is probably why I connected so deeply to this movie. For the longest time I have felt like a black swan, something so beautiful, mysterious and misunderstood. I have felt broken and wrong. Ugly.

At the end of the movie, I felt paralyzed. I closed my eyes and began to float.

A friend of mine recently mentioned about dealing with ones demons. It really did not hit me until last night what he was talking about.

I have for a while now felt like I had this part of me, that was bad, that I needed to hide. Like Natalie’s character, I just wanted to be perfect. In many cases, I hide the love I have to give because I didn’t think anyone wanted that or felt that it was a weakness.

I also related to this idea of purity vs. sexuality. Black and white. All or nothing thinking. I have learned that is very harmful to me. It can’t be all or nothing. Underneath it all, there are a lot of grey areas.

Another aspect of the movie that hit me differently was this idea of enemies, those who are against us… Often we think it is an exterior force against us, when all along we are only fighting with ourselves.

Then it dawned on me, that all this time I have been in a war against myself. All this negativity, all this anger has been controlling me. Feeling like I don’t deserve anything wonderful and worthwhile. Feeling worthless and ugly. I so desperately wanted to be the white swan, something someone loved but always felt like I came up short.

I have always thought that being the black swan meant that I was bad… but I am now realizing that makes me beautiful.

It is this game of tug and war that really gets me. Trying to be all things to all people. Wanting something so deeply but always coming up empty handed can be a very traumatic thing. It can really shake you to your core. You start to feel like it makes you feel less. Like there has to be a reason why they don’t love you or accept you for who you are? When it has nothing to do with you and all to do with them.

But how do you begin to separate that? I know that it is important in my recovery. What caused me to be this way? Where I take others feelings on and not about how they feel about me but how they feel about themselves. Is it the empathic abilities within? I am not sure but I would like to have better control over it so that I can filter out the negativity and not become it…

I guess it all takes time. I guess my biggest fear I will have the same fate like Natalie’s character did… I would love to believe that everything ends like a fairy tale but I know that is not always reality. So many people were expecting so many different things from her and in many cases the opposite of each other but in the end the biggest thing keeping her from happiness and comfort was herself. And it ended up killing her.

I don’t want that. I want to be happy and live a life filled full of love. I am tired of feeling miserable. I am tired of hiding. It is time for me to spread my wings and fly. It is at that moment I realize that I am both the black and white swan. And sometimes the grey swan. It doesn’t matter the color of my feathers but that I am a SWAN…