People Die…

People that mean the world to you… are taken from under your grasp. Totally out of your control. Shaking you to your core. It has been seven months and it seems like my Mama died yesterday. I constantly feel like the earth is going to drop right from under me.

I live in a state of panic, fearing that someone else close to me will be taken away. I am so afraid of losing anyone else that I stay locked up in solitude, afraid that any moment something could happen. When your Mother dies anything is possible.

It feels like the grief is getting worse. The thought of venturing out into the workplace is crippling. I am holding onto my family for dear life, afraid to let go.

As you get older you begin to realize that people grow older and die. It is inevitable. When the people you grow up around start to pass away it plants the idea in your mind that there will come a time when you will lose your own Mom. As much as you try to fight those thoughts they still exist.

I thought I would have more time. I couldn’t imagine God taking my Mother before her shot of happiness. All her life she lived it for other people.

I am struggling with living, moving on. I live in pain. suffering. There are times recently where I am not sure I can take the suffering any more. To someone who has never suffered from depression they might not understand what it is like to feel trapped, held down by something strong.

Lately I have felt very heavy. I have struggled to keep my diet on track. Struggled to fight away all those negative thoughts. Thoughts like your ugly, worthless… being gay is wrong… Everything you can imagine, I have thought it.

There are days that I feel completely out of my body, floating high up above the clouds. So far away from everything.

Life is tough. It doesn’t seem right or fair.

I constantly live my life in repeat. I am tired of riding this broken record. Tired of the same old images that stab my brain.

Death is frightening. So is the not knowing.

When I get in depressive cycle it feels like I am chained down to the ground by unbreakable steel. I wish I could just snap out of it. It certainly would make my life much easier.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

All I can do for now is wait… for the storm to pass because I am drowning…

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My Worst Nightmare Came True!!!

So it has been a while since I have wrote in my blog. I haven’t really been in a writing mood lately. I had to force myself to write this post, as it is something I felt I needed to do. Tonight I am feeling very sad over the death of my Mom.

Deep sorrow. The kind that you can feel through out ever fiber of your being. I still find myself in shock that she really died. I still have it in my head there is a chance she will come home. I mean it has been six months and it still doesn’t seem real. It feels like she went on an extended vacation.

My nieces and nephew have been talking about her more lately. Asking questions that I struggle to answer, like why did “Bih” (that is what they called her) die? why couldn’t she get better? I mean these are all questions that I still want to know!!!

It is so very painful to hear these sweet children talk about her, as it breaks my heart to know the pain they go through… Knowing the years they missed out on this beautiful wonderful woman! That is the real tragedy.

I want her to come home. I need her but I am not going to get what I want…

I am trying to adjust to this new life without her. Trying to cope with living life with a gigantic hole in the middle of my chest hasn’t been easy. I am doing the best I can. That is all I can say.

At the moment I am feeling very angry. I even posted on Facebook that this fucking sucks… and it does!!!

I think back to the month Mama was in the hospital and I think what was all of that for? My sister and I believed all the way til the end in our Mother, even when many doubted her… including her own family. We never gave up on her…

and to have her die anyway, felt like a kick in the gut. I wanted Mama to show them all her strength and will to fight. I needed her to prove them wrong. I’ve felt all my life I have had to do that, prove people wrong and it always sucks when you can’t!!!

Someone posted the other day a picture that said something about God knowing all the wrongs and bad deeds others have done to you, and that one day he would pay you back… and I really struggled with that one… I really doubted that message…

It feels like God took away one of the few good things in my life and that doesn’t seem fair. Life was frightening with Mama in it, imagine how I feel now that she’s gone…

I can’t shake these beliefs that my suffering is a punishment from God. My brain knows that is false but my heart doubts it. These are my inner demons that I am dealing with…

I miss her so very much. I have been struggling lately because I can’t remember the sound of her voice… I so desperately need to her voice again, her laugh…

On September 9th my worst nightmare came true and it am still living in it… I so desperately want to wake up…