I am about to embark on a journey, one where I live on my own. One of the realizations of my episode a few weeks ago is that I have never really had a place where I felt I could be stable with. Most of the places I have lived in my adult life have usually ended up with me not knowing where I am going next. You can only run so many times before it gets old and I’m worn out from running.
Being on my own frightens the hell out of me but I don’t have a choice. I no longer have a safety net so it is sink or swim time… and I am choosing to swim because I am tired of drowning. It is time for me to put my roots in the earth and make a place for me in this world. Obviously I have a purpose in this world, so I have to make do with what I have been given and trust that the right opportunity will present itself.
Hiding in the basement will not bring me what I need out of life. I have hid all my life and it gets old. Quivering in the corner doesn’t suit me at all. Hiding in the dark only gets you more darkness and I am not meant to stay there. I am light and not meant to be caged. I deserve love and light in return as well.
I have tolerated the dark for way to long, believed that was the only thing I deserved. Misery and pain… Before I would just cower in fear but now I am learning to crawl and pick myself back up. Various situations in my life and my upbringing taught me some things about myself that were untrue. Seeing my mother stay in a marriage where she was treated poorly did a number on me. Children learn by example.
I am no longer that child. I am strong and can take myself out of bad situations. I might not have been able to so many years ago but I can today. My dear mother is free from all the pain and suffering this world can bring you… but I am stuck here. So I either chose to live in misery or I chose to walk in the light.
As scary as walking alone in the light is, it sure is much better than being surrounded in the dark.
Healing is a slow process. A journey I first started in my early twenties. You take one giant step forward and another giant leap backwards. You fall… You stumble… You get cut… and you cry… but I always get back up. The one thing all the bad things has taught me is how to survive.
Losing my Mother was my biggest and ultimate fear. I thought I would die… but I didn’t… Sure there were days it felt like I was dying but that only meant I was healing… I am alive and stronger than ever. Just like a giant redwood my roots are buried deep within the warm earth and my branches reach up into the heavens. Sure my bark is battered and scared, and some wounds are still raw but deep inside my spirit is on fire… ready to flow…
Ready to touch the world in many deep and wonderful ways. So I am going to push through the fear and the discomfort. I need to learn to tolerate the uncomfortable. Push myself to grow and go down roads early I might have avoided.
This is my time to shine. My turn to make my mark and show the world all I have got. Create the family I have always wanted and yearned for. It starts with just one seed at a time and before I know it I will have a garden full of bountiful fruit.
In the end, we are never alone even when we walk by ourselves. Each time we give our love to someone else we leave an imprint on their heart and they do on ours. The stronger the impact the bigger the imprint. So when we must walk a path alone, they are always with us. It would be nice to be able to have someone by yourself all the time but in reality that is never possible. There are some journeys that you must walk alone.
To live a life in codependency only stunts your growth. When you attach yourself to others you never really have the opportunity to mature. You become very much like a leech sucking all the energy out of everyone you touch and in return your life force is also extinguished.
Something just dawned on me… I am a survivor but that doesn’t mean I have lot live my life in survival mode. It has taken me over twenty years to realize that I am no longer in danger. I am free… to live my life as I please. I no longer have to live in fear or desperation. I don’t need to hold onto dear life to anything or anyone I can grab a hold of.
Now it is time to build the world around me that I want and just live… and grow…