So when I was in the hospital I had the realization that all my adult life every place I have lived in has ended in some sort of an abrupt way, as in a loss of stability… no place to go… etc.. I think years ago when I first was in a living situation where I had to quickly leave I learned to not get comfortable for too long as you never know what will happen.
As time passed by a pattern started to form where the vicious cycle began… one where I would tolerate unhappiness and misery because I felt that is what I deserved and all that there is… Growing up in a dysfunctional family helped teach me that. Each time I would find myself in an unstable environment where I questioned my next step and I would always land in another potentially unfavorable situation. My life became a broken record.
I have never put my roots down. I have always been in survival mode because danger could come at any time. Running in circles just like a hamster in a wheel, constantly spinning.
During this difficult time my first instincts is to run… far away… Like I have done in the past. Start all over, pretending that my problems didn’t tag along… knowing all to well they were right behind me. When I was younger I use to believe they wouldn’t follow me but I am too old for that fantasy.
I have to break this cycle or it is going to break me… well it already has but for good. I am learning to stick around and fight with all my might. For too long when I was kicked to the ground I would stay there, another learned feature. Another cycle I am going to break is tolerating miserable situations because I feel that I deserve it or that is all there is.
I have to move on, as tough and scary as that might be.