Death is inevitable

No matter how hard we try to fight it or ignore the topic, it creeps up on us like a thief in the night.

The death of my beautiful mother, has shaken me to my core. It feels like the earth has been yanked right from under me. My fears have consumed me and I have gone into hiding…

I could handle death easier if I had a better grasp on the afterlife. Granted I have made some strides the past few months, they haven’t been enough to combat the fears of the past.

The biggest fear that has surfaced since Mama passed is that I will never get to see her again.

I know others have told me that isn’t true and there is a part of my head that thinks it too… but my heart is a different story…

For so long I was brainwashed into believing various things about myself and my spirituality, that they imprinted on me… You get told you are going to hell enough times it starts to seep into your consciousness… I guess that is what happened, I allowed others to set up shop in my brain… I mean I was only a small child, I could have stopped it…

As an adult, I coped with it the best way possible. I created an alternative where I didn’t go to hell, and because I believed what others told me (that I wasn’t worthy of God or heaven), I started believing when I died I would end… I would not pass go (heaven), I would not go to jail (hell), I would go straight into the earth and that would be it…

So you can see how losing the one good thing in my life would send me into orbit!

It feels like I am broken up into various parts. One part of me (the small child) holds onto the truth about myself and my spirituality. Another is composed of fear (those who abused me). Finally my adult-self fits somewhere in between it all. I feel so disconnected to the real me. The fears are holding me back and keeping me from my mothers love…

Which reminds me of something… All this time I didn’t think I was worthy of God’s love… which will keep me from my Mother… I guess in a way they are both the same.

The difference now is that even though I am in complete turmoil, I know that God is still there. I just haven’t been able to connect the two… I still hold onto others evils… I wish it was as easy as letting it go, turning a switch or taking a pill. The one thing that this whole experience has taught me is that I can’t do this alone. I have to seek help, which I am in the process of doing.

The only thing I am holding onto is my faith, though I don’t understand any of it… I am holding onto the hope that my higher power will see me through this.

As tough as this is, I know that I am not alone. My experience is a reminder of the damage that religious persecution causes, especially when it happens at an early age. There is nothing more sacred that ones spirituality and afterlife. To go after that, is immoral and a total injustice.

I have to wonder how many of my gay brothers and sisters have gone through this?

How many have succumb to it? I am not going to lie… I have thought about suicide.

(I talk about his in the hopes that it might help others and not to scare my loved ones)

The pain is so intense and feels so unbearable, that it feels like a natural option. I will also admit that I am frightened to die. I guess I really never wanted my life to end, just the pain… You experience enough of it and it feels like it is a life sentence. I am glad that there are programs out there for youth like the Trevor Project. It just makes me wonder what about gay adults who didn’t get the help they needed as a child?

There are a few things that stops me from using this option.

1. I know what it would do to my family both emotionally and financially. As painful as this is, I could’t burden them like that. I know it would do to them. They couldn’t take another loss like this.

2. There is no guarantee that I would get to see my mother again. So not only would I not have my Mama but my nieces, nephew, sister, brother in law, etc…. I am miserable but at least I get to see my family…

3. Mama wouldn’t want this for me. She was my biggest fan. She believed in me.

I know some people don’t get why others blog, etc. Especially when it is something like this. I guess for me this is therapeutic. I don’t always feel I can reach out to others, and this way I can indirectly… Though I know it isn’t the same…

I hope this reassures those who know me, that might freak out about this admission… Losing my Mom, isn’t the first time I have thought about dying. I just haven’t been so public about it. If not, I have emailed my old therapist about working together again. I just haven’t heard back…

I don’t understand any of this. What I do understand, is that part of my purpose is tied to my experiences and helping others with theirs… I may not be at a place to help anyone directly but I know my story will do the same thing. So that is why I am sharing it.

Lastly, anyone who tries to deny God’s love in his/her name is doing so with no connection to a higher power. There is nothing godly about that.

I know this is all apart of the journey, and once I get to a healthier spot it will be my goal to make sure others like me can see the love that is available to them… God’s love is for all… not just a few select who believe in a certain way of thinking…

We are all worthy, if not we wouldn’t be here…


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