So recently I thought commitment and how I struggle with the whole idea of commitment. Often we think of commitment as in the relationship between two people but there are many other areas in our life that involves commitment. I’ve learned recently that I have an issue with commitment, even with my relationships.
Digging deeper into the subject I have realized I have a strong fear of being abandoned and left behind, which causes me to float around like a butterfly. I have gotten use to things changing and having happiness taken from me, so I have learned to not get use to the good things in my life… because I never know when it will end.
Looking back at my past relationships (or the lack thereof) and my dating experiences its apparent that I go for guys I have no shot with… usually guys who are emotionally unavailable. I have this inherent need to fix these guys. I also find myself in a pattern in finding guys who believe they’re not good enough for me, guys who believe they don’t deserve a guy with a big heart… and so much love. When I fail in saving them and they they abandon me, I am left feeling devastated.
Patterns don’t appear out of thin air, they are repeated over and over. I learned to tolerate being treated less early on. I was also groomed in believing I had to look past the bad behaviors and allow the good to out way the bad, regardless how severe the bad was. Looking at my failed relationships there were many red flags and I ignored everyone of them, even when they smacked me in the face.
I also learned I had to chase after love and convince the person I was good enough. Just like a donkey constantly chasing after the carrot dangling from a string or a dog chasing after his tail. Honestly I think I found a guy who wanted to be with me, who loved me for who I was and gave me attention would scare the hell out me… and I would probably speed away leaving only my dust behind.
I am learning how to overcome feeling like I have to tolerate bad situations. Positive patterns also need to be repeated over and over before they sink in.
Commitment scares even something as little as having a schedule freaks me out. I even struggle with the day to day commitments. My doctor recently asked me to commit to going outside twenty minutes a day seemed impossible to me. I have always been the spur of the moment kind of guy and I am finding it difficult to bring in order to my life. It seems so foreign and strange.
Dieting is another area that I struggle with commitment. Having to count my calories has always been tough. When I start to moderate my food intake I panic when I get near my daily calorie limit because I know that means I can’t eat whatever I want. I’m going on my eighth month of this diet and I struggle with commitment. Learning a new trick takes a lot of practice, time and patience. You must expect to stumble and fall, time and time again… the true key to overcoming an obstacle is to always get up when you fall… learn from your falls. Sometimes it takes taking the same fall over and over for it to sink in. You can only ride that broken record for so long before you get dizzy and fall off. You can only stand dizziness for so long before you must change.
As much as I resist change, sometimes it’s needed. I’m getting too old to keep spinning in chaos. I yearn for stability and consistency. I need to bring balance into my life and with that comes commitment. With balance comes moderation, which is something I never do but I’m learning. As they say practice makes perfect and I will keep practicing until I master the art of commitment.