Trapped in the Conundrum of Illogical

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As I write this at 3am in the morning I am wondering something… will I ever be free from my pain, struggles, depression, etc. I thought having my own place would be a cure and I couldn’t be more wrong. Maybe this time will be different and I sure hope that is true because I’m getting tired of cycling through this kind of suffering. I don’t want the pain any more. I wish I could rip it out like an unwanted organ.

I know what others will say. That this too will pass and it will but not for long. I can cut out the people who hurt me (my father) and the pain is still there. I want the pain gone too. It keeps repeating me like a constant heartburn. No amount of tums will cure this acid reflux.

Often times I feel like the worlds left me behind. People keep spinning past me and I’m struggling to keep up. It all becomes a blur and I get lost in the shuffle. I’m sure people are tired of my woe is me routine. Trust me I know that I am but these are my feelings. Depression is something that can’t be controlled. Once the cycle starts you must finish the rotation. It’s like getting on the ferris wheel and wanting to get off once your car takes off. You have to wait until the ride is done to get off. I mean you could jump off but that won’t be pretty.

I hate the suffering. Just when I think I’m getting through the deepest part of this depression cycle I’m taken to even lower point. I went outside for a little bit and it felt good but that moment was fleeting. I feel so very alone.

Sure I’m glad to have my own place but this bout of depression has forced me to face the hard reality, that there is no cure for depression. Living with depression is something that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. It’s a burden that I don’t want to bear anymore but what choice do I have. I wish I could make people understand what it’s like to suffer from depression. Words don’t come close to describing the reality. I might as well say blah, blah, blah.

I just want to be free and I wonder if that’s just not meant to be. I know that I don’t deserve the suffering, no one does. That realization doesn’t do anything to calm the storm. I just hate feeling like I’m not in control especially when I’m drinking Pepsi again. I feel like I’m slipping to my old ways and I’m fighting to hold on. I can already start to notice my mobility to suffer. My need to numb is more severe than the physical pain. Why else would I put my body back through this? So this just adds to my depression and misery.

How can you in one moment give in to your urges while fighting them at the same time? I’m drinking Pepsi like crazy but I’m still brushing my teeth every day. I’m even showering regularly but I still feel god awful. It just doesn’t feel like enough, at least not enough to numb it all out. The Pepsi isn’t cutting it, though it does taste delicious but it does in my body.

So this living on my own hasn’t gone as I thought it would and I’m struggling with living alone. I’m here in my apartment alone with my thoughts and it’s scary. Now you might not can understand this. How could he not be happy? If you are questioning my logic then you probably don’t have a mental illness. That is the conundrum of mental illness. You get trapped in the illogical. That’s where I’m at currently. I want to get out of this mess that is my mind. It’s been over a week and I’m still suffering a great deal. I was hoping to have some relief by now. I thought because I was aware of the trigger my symptoms would have lessened but that’s not the case.

My grandmother ripped open this wound and it’s oozing poisonous pus. I feel wide open, exposed. I’m trying to stuff as much gauze in that gaping wound as I can but nothing is stopping the hemorrhaging of blood. Now that’s probably a graphic illustration that you wish you hadn’t been given but imagine being me right now. That’s what I’m enduring. I gotta wait for the poison to run dry and then maybe I can move on. Right now I’m not so sure…

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Losing my spirituality…

Now I know it isn’t like a key or book that you misplace but I can’t seem to find my spirituality again. It is rather upsetting because it felt nice for a change to feel it again. I know that it isn’t really lost, more just misplaced but I really could use my spirituality right now. About three weeks ago I noticed a shift in me. I don’t really recall what sparked my spirituality, it just kind of happened.

Part of me really wishes I wouldn’t have watched The United States of Tara because it has sent me into full on trigger mode. Ever since then I have been down, depressed and very disconnected. On a positive note at least I am aware of what is going on but still I dislike feeling this way. I know my spirituality is deep within me, I just have to dig it out.

I think the hardest trigger from The United States of Tara is realizing that I have internalized my abusers and their actions. Ever since watching all the episodes I can picture myself as a boy in the bedroom where I was abused, hiding in the corner. It literally feels like I am still there today!!!

Once I get triggered it is very difficult to come out of that cloud of confusion. I feel so dazed and confused. I really need to get back into therapy. I left an appointment with a therapist that I saw once about a month ago. With everything going on right now, it is important for me to be in therapy. Years ago I was diagnosed with having PTSD from the sexual abuse.

I hate this scared feeling I keep having. It feels like the end of the world. I would totally be Chicken Little!!! The sky totally feels like it is falling, when reality it is not!

It also startles me because when I start to feel good it gives me a false sense of security that my bad days are over. Then I am smacked in the face with a bad day and it sends me flying.

I know there is a reason for me watching the show. There is something I need to learn. It really bothered me that I didn’t get to see if Tara overcomes her problems. I felt great sadness that the series was cancelled. I guess in a way if Tara was able to overcome all of her obstacles and make it to a happy place, I could too… but because I couldn’t see the outcome, I am not able to see my future… and that scares the living day lights out of me!!!

Today something happened that I don’t care to go into. My first thoughts were I was going to hell. I had a lot of shame and regret surface as well. So did the words LOSER. I really had to catch myself because I was going down a dark road. It is like when I get this way, I am a completely different person. Plus it didn’t help that I have been sick the past few days.

I really need to work on my support system. I don’t really feel like I have many people I can turn to, when I need to talk about what is going on. It is not to say that I don’t have people in my life who care about me but I don’t feel comfortable going to them.

Another key is the lack of people outside of my family to spend time with. I have friends all over the place but not to many near me that I hang out with. I honestly can’t remember the last time I spent time with a friend. Friendships are very important to me and I have struggled fostering new friendships in my area. Part of it is the small town I live in and the fact that I don’t have a car of my own. I really miss living in a big city but with everything going on with my Mom, this is where I need to be.

I wish feeling my spirituality was as easy as plugging myself back into a spiritual outlet but I realize it isn’t how it works. I have to work through these feelings and learn to process them. The key is remembering that spirituality isn’t something you lose. It is inside of me. I just have to keep moving forward, which reminds me of one of my favorite quotes.

“Around here, however, we don’t look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things, because we’re curious…and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.” — Walt Disney.

My goal this week is to setup a meditation area. I need to bring into my world some coping mechanisms that will help me connect to my spirituality. I just have to hang on and keep doing whatever unnecessary to heal. I know in my heart that as long as I continue to take the steps, my life will continue to grow and get better.