Stop Derek from Being Homeless

https://www.gofundme.com/dereksnewhome

A few weeks ago I received an eviction from the people I rent a room from to be out of here by the end of the month. It was unexpected and unfounded. I’ve been a great tenant, paying my rent on time. I’ve come to find out that they want someone else to move in. Now they’re trying to push up my move out date by a week, which has left me scrambling for a new place to live. As it stands now the only option I have is to go live in a homeless shelter. I’m trying to raise enough money to help pay my rent (for my own place) until my SSI court date in Feb next year.
IMG_0115
I’m disabled and unable to work. I’m waiting for a court date for SSI disability, which will be Feb 2017. I’m hoping to raise enough money to get me through until that date. I’ve suffered from major depression disorder and PTSD most of my life. There hasn’t been a time in my adult life that I haven’t suffered from depression and PTSD. When I have a PTSD episode friends/family become strangers and strangers become enemies. It’s like being in a war zone. My current living situation has pushed me to my limit, as the last few months have been extremely stressful living here.

Stability is something I’ve never had and something I’m so desperate for. Being able to get my own place would bring that into my life. Lately I’ve made an effort to better my life. I’ve consistently been in therapy and on medicine since 2013, as well as seeing a psychiatrist. I’ve recently moved all my services to this county and having to move out of this town would put my health at risk.

I have a new therapist who I love. She’s working on a new treatment for those with PTSD called EMDR. It’s helps the patient to reprogram traumatic events into more healthy ways. I’ve finally taken my life back after four years of complete hell. In 2012, my Mom died from cancer causing me to spiral into a deep, dark depression. It’s taken me four years but I’m finally starting to feel like myself again. I’ve come to terms with my disablity and now realize that I need to treat it like diabetes.

I’ve tried to do this on my own and that doesn’t work. So I’m asking for help. I’m so very scared to be homeless. I’ve made a lot of progress the last few months and I want to keep moving forward. I’ve also started to embrace my art again by working on a new comic book. My passion for art has helped me through some very difficult times in my life. Having my own place would give me a safe space to create new works of art.

I’ve suffered for too long and finally realize that I deserve better. I’m taking my life back and I’m determined to get my own place. No matter what is thrown at me I don’t let it keep me down. Every time a hurdle is placed in front of me I clear it. I will keep climbing this mountain until I get a home of my own. While the last two months have been some of the worst times in my life it has helped me find an inner strength that I didn’t know was there. All this time I thought I was broken but I always rebound. Then it dawned on me through all the bad things in my life I’m still here. I’m strong as steel.

Thanks for taking the time to hear my story. Please consider sharing this campaign with everyone you know.

Here are some of my recent sketches of my comic book. Also follow my facebook page for DragZilla! DragZilla is the story of a gay man brutally attacked because he’s gay. He cries out for help and in his hour of need a glimmer of light appears. A goddess like entity, who goes by the name Glimmer, transforms him into a drag queen superhero. He starts off his journey to find justice for his attack but in the process becomes a beacon of light for the LGBTQ community. I’m really excited to have started work on this new project of mine. Having my own place would help me bring to life DragZilla!

Advertisements

Deep Sorrow

So I have been working really hard with becoming more healthy not just with my food choices but in all areas of my life. As I stop turning to unhealthy methods to cope with my feelings the more the feelings hit me. I have ran and hid from my feelings most of my life. Escape was a quick and easy way to cope with pain. I first learned it when I was sexually abused at the age of ten.

I am no longer trying to soothe my pain with food, sex or anything else. I am feeling my emotions as they hit me. It isn’t easy. It is raw and painful. Trust me I want to drown out my sorrow and pain with junk food but I know that will only cause me more heartache down the road. I just can’t do it anymore.

I deserve more that that. The only way I will truly heal is if I go through the emotions, feelings and pain of it all. Covering up all the bad feelings doesn’t make them go away it only adds to your pile of turmoil and trouble, making it even more painful on you in the long run.

Tonight I’ve had to deal with the fact that my Mother died over five months ago. I have been hiding from that fact but it always catches up to me. There is a lot you can hide from, a lot that you can avoid but missing someone isn’t one of them. Time is not on your side when it comes to that.

Tonight I feel deep sorrow. The kind that makes you ache with every fiber of your being.  I have to face the fact that I will never get to see my Mom again in this lifetime. It doesn’t mean that she isn’t with me, it just means it will be different.

No amount of heart ache I have felt over the various breakups I have had in my lifetime comes even close to the amount of pain, grief and sadness I have felt (and feel) from the death of my Mama. Actually no other hurt for that matter.

I also feel anger. I am angry at God for taking her. I am angry that he didn’t heal her body! I am angry. Down right angry!!! I am angry at the hospital. I am angry at my father for treating my Mama so poorly for so many years. I want answers, that I know I will never get. I am pissed off that not everyone embraces the light and feels the need to tear others down. I want justice, that I know I will never see in my lifetime… I want people to pay for the bad deeds they do to others.

I am angry at myself for putting up with less for so many years. But those days are over! Fucking over! Life is a choice, too many people find it easier to turn their backs than to do the right thing. Well fuck that. I am going to use this to fuel my flame to make sure that justice is served, that those who are abused… belittled… put down… are able to see the light of day.

My Mama was strong. People tried to knock her down all her life and she kept on fighting. Me and my sister are just like our Mama. No matter how many times we get knocked down, we always get back up. It might not always be pretty but we do…

So I am going to battle through all these horrible gut wrenching feelings. When you are going through hell, they say to keep on going… and that is what I am going to do… But the fact of the matter I am no longer in that hell… Now it is just time for me to heal.

My strength is my shield and my love is my sword. There is not any amount of war, weapons or opponents that will defeat me for I am not alone in this fight. I have my Mama, sister and so many others on my side…

Signs…

It is easy to ignore a whisper, a gentle wind that whistles in your ear…

Now when it is a gust of wind that knocks you to the ground, you can’t help but take notice.

Sometimes signs are not that obvious, while other times they are as obvious as being right in front of your face with all the bells and whistles going off.

Then there are times when you get subtle signs during a period of time. You might be quick to ignore one sign but if you are presented with a bunch of signs, you have to take notice.

Signs have a way of letting you know that you are either on the right track or that you need to do something.

Sometimes the signs are quiet, like a whisper. If you are meant to hear it and you try to pass it by, it will present itself more loud and clear. I like to call it a TKO sign. It is kind of like a train whistle, the closer the engine gets to you, the louder the horn.

During my mom’s healing journey to Nashville, TN to get treated for Carcinoid Cancer, there have been so many signs that I can’t even count them all.

I have come to learn the importance of opening my mind and ears to the universe and the signs they bring me. There has been little signs like random zebra strip sightings, from a pen that a nurse reluctantly let me borrow. When I asked if she knew the signifance of the zebra strip, she didn’t have any idea. Then there was this time I picked up an individual pack of donuts for my sister, not realizing that it had a zebra print on it. Zebra prints keep popping up in very non usual places.

The universe has also provided for us as well. During the first couple trips to see the Doctors at Vanderbilt University Medical Center we were fortunate to have the Hope Lodge that offers families affected by Cancer free lodging. While my Mom has been in the hospital we have been fortunate to stay at a hospitality house that a church owns. Without these places we would not been able to afford it, and I am forever grateful that these places exist.

The whole experience at Vanderbilt has me believing that God brought us down here. Patients who have Carcinoid Cancer typically get the run around when it comes to treatment. My mom was no different. The tumor was blocking her airway to her right lung by 75% and it was causing her to get bronchitis and pneumonia often. Something had to be done but we were getting no where in Michigan.

My sister started to do some research and found this Carcinoid website. Through other survivors she heard about a doctor who specializes in Carcinoid Cancer in Nashville, Tennessee. I can remember my sister and I telling my Mom that we would do whatever was possible for her to get better. Even if that meant driving nine hours.

We took a leap of faith and we drove the nine hours to Nashville, Tennessee. For the first time in three months not only did we have a treatment plan but we found a doctor who treated my mom like a person and not her illness. He told my mom that she would not die from this tumor and that it was treatable.

Now the place we are at today with my Mom, is unfortunate and not what we expected. It is easy to ask why? and question the choices we made? Trust me the thoughts have went through my head at one point in time. Part of me just wanted to go back to Michigan and pretend none of this would have ever happened but then again she would continue to have complications from the location of the tumor, that could have lead to death.

That is when we started to see more signs confirming we made the right decision to come to Nashville.

One TKO sign was when the surgeon who performed the lobectomy to remove the tumor. When things were at their most unknown, he asked me my thoughts on prayer and if it would be okay if he prayed with me and my mom. I knew the importance and significance of him doing that. He prayed, out loud, at my mom’s bedside. I was in awe of a humble servant (angel) of God.

I don’t believe people just happen to appear in your life, they come into your life for a reason. God brought Dr. Grogan to heal her.

Originally another hospital had thought one of her lymph nodes was positive for cancer but after the surgery it was confirmed that it wasn’t the case. All of the lymph nodes in the area were negative. The tumor was the only thing cancerous. After a biopsy of the tumor it was discovered the progression rate of the Cancer was less than 1%, which means the chances of it returning are very rare. After Dr. Grogran removed her tumor, she was Cancer free. That itself is a TKO sign!

Speaking of angels like Dr. Grogan. I have also been reminded of the true message of God and Jesus. Healing, Service and Love. Encountering people like Dr. Grogan reminds me that there are many humans on this earth who are angels.

Another angel that was brought into our world was Mom’s oncologist, Dr. Liu. He has become not only my Mom’s cheerleader but me and my sister’s as well. Even though he really does not have a role in the surgery and hospital stay of my mother, he has came to visit us almost every day. He has been a huge emotional support for us.

Being surrounded by those who embrace and embody the light and love of Jesus, is not only remarkable but infectious as well. It has liberated me to do so as well.

Dr. Liu and Dr. Grogan didn’t just happen to cross our paths, we were guided to them or them to us.

The choice to drive so far away from home, has been tough. Especially since my Mom has had complications. The closest relative is my Aunt, who lives a couple hours away. To have the support of Dr. Liu as been of comfort.

Another sign is a preacher and his wife, that we come to know. They had heard about my Mom from a friend of a friend of my sisters. Even though they didn’t know any of us, they came to pray with my us. Their presence has been of such comfort to my sister and I. They have became familiar faces, in a very unfamiliar town. Their love and warmth has filled our hearts. They have been to visit my Mom numerous times. Even another family from their church came by on Sunday.

In addition to these angels, my sister has became friends with a couple angels as well. Two in particular have been so supportive and loving. In a world full of turmoil it is such an impact to see such compassion and kindness, especially from people you have never met. I have come to know one of these angels that my sister has befriended and she is beautiful in every sense of the word.

Not to mention the 250 plus people who have liked and seen the prayer page on Facebook for my mom. So many people, many of them I don’t even know, praying for my family. It has renewed my faith in the universe. I wonder if they realize how much of an impact they have had on our lives? During some very dark and scary moments, just having that page was so much of a comfort.

How could you not see that this is all due to the glory of God? and if you are reading this, and are not religious… that is okay. I am not really religious either but I am deeply spiritual. For me, it is what is behind the name. I have come to learn that God to me is love and humanity.

My mom is not the only one being healed on this journey because I am as well.

I have come to realize that my faith is stronger than ever. My heart is pure and my spirit is alive. I am a child of God and I was put here to shine. I have also realized that even during the toughest times, I am never alone.

All of these signs have just confirmed and strengthened my faith, and my beliefs.

God brought us to Nashville for a reason.

All these signs add up to my Mom having a full recovery and returning home to her grand-babies. Our test will be turned into a testimony.

There is nothing that will topple my faith or my belief in my Mom’s recovery. No amount of negativity will make me crumble. My faith is deeply planted in the earth. There is nothing that will ever be able to unroot me, ever again. Everything I have ever been through has prepared me for this path I am on today. Granted it isn’t easy, but no one ever said life is.

It is our experiences and the people we meet that help us grow into the people we are today.

Signs help us grow and gain confidence. I think in a way it is how God speaks to us. I might not have always listened or even ignored them, but I am learning that signs are gifts that are meant to be treasured.