Stop Derek from Being Homeless

https://www.gofundme.com/dereksnewhome

A few weeks ago I received an eviction from the people I rent a room from to be out of here by the end of the month. It was unexpected and unfounded. I’ve been a great tenant, paying my rent on time. I’ve come to find out that they want someone else to move in. Now they’re trying to push up my move out date by a week, which has left me scrambling for a new place to live. As it stands now the only option I have is to go live in a homeless shelter. I’m trying to raise enough money to help pay my rent (for my own place) until my SSI court date in Feb next year.
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I’m disabled and unable to work. I’m waiting for a court date for SSI disability, which will be Feb 2017. I’m hoping to raise enough money to get me through until that date. I’ve suffered from major depression disorder and PTSD most of my life. There hasn’t been a time in my adult life that I haven’t suffered from depression and PTSD. When I have a PTSD episode friends/family become strangers and strangers become enemies. It’s like being in a war zone. My current living situation has pushed me to my limit, as the last few months have been extremely stressful living here.

Stability is something I’ve never had and something I’m so desperate for. Being able to get my own place would bring that into my life. Lately I’ve made an effort to better my life. I’ve consistently been in therapy and on medicine since 2013, as well as seeing a psychiatrist. I’ve recently moved all my services to this county and having to move out of this town would put my health at risk.

I have a new therapist who I love. She’s working on a new treatment for those with PTSD called EMDR. It’s helps the patient to reprogram traumatic events into more healthy ways. I’ve finally taken my life back after four years of complete hell. In 2012, my Mom died from cancer causing me to spiral into a deep, dark depression. It’s taken me four years but I’m finally starting to feel like myself again. I’ve come to terms with my disablity and now realize that I need to treat it like diabetes.

I’ve tried to do this on my own and that doesn’t work. So I’m asking for help. I’m so very scared to be homeless. I’ve made a lot of progress the last few months and I want to keep moving forward. I’ve also started to embrace my art again by working on a new comic book. My passion for art has helped me through some very difficult times in my life. Having my own place would give me a safe space to create new works of art.

I’ve suffered for too long and finally realize that I deserve better. I’m taking my life back and I’m determined to get my own place. No matter what is thrown at me I don’t let it keep me down. Every time a hurdle is placed in front of me I clear it. I will keep climbing this mountain until I get a home of my own. While the last two months have been some of the worst times in my life it has helped me find an inner strength that I didn’t know was there. All this time I thought I was broken but I always rebound. Then it dawned on me through all the bad things in my life I’m still here. I’m strong as steel.

Thanks for taking the time to hear my story. Please consider sharing this campaign with everyone you know.

Here are some of my recent sketches of my comic book. Also follow my facebook page for DragZilla! DragZilla is the story of a gay man brutally attacked because he’s gay. He cries out for help and in his hour of need a glimmer of light appears. A goddess like entity, who goes by the name Glimmer, transforms him into a drag queen superhero. He starts off his journey to find justice for his attack but in the process becomes a beacon of light for the LGBTQ community. I’m really excited to have started work on this new project of mine. Having my own place would help me bring to life DragZilla!

Disconnection…

On this healing journey I have learned the more disconnected I am, the worse I feel. The longer I am disconnected the harder it is for me to reconnect to the world around me. Isolation became a safety net for me. I used isolation as a wall, a layer of protection but I was depriving myself of life and all the wonderful energy that surrounds it.

I still struggle with isolating myself. I have to force myself out of the house. Like for example tonight, I didn’t want to go to class but I knew the consequences if I didn’t go. Missing one class turns into two, and two turns into three, and so on…

I can no longer fall apart, I have people who depend on me like my Mom, Sister, my nieces and nephew. Sometimes it is tough being the strong one. I think the biggest key is realizing I can support people and be there for them but I can’t hold them up. I think that is why in the past it was always so exhausting. I was trying so hard to protect people that I would do all the work for them and in the end I would always get neglected.  I have learned if I don’t care of my needs, I can’t be there for others.

I know that I can no longer hide my light. I will admit I still get overwhelmed by my light. It is tough to learn new behaviors. Facing your fears is a tough battle but an important one on the road of healing.

I still struggle looking for unhealthy connections. It is so easy for me to get caught up in my old behaviors. After a few heart breaks I searched for that kind of a connection in quick fixes. It was a way for me to get a connection without getting hurt in the long run but in the end it hurt me more than the heart breaks. I started to believe that the only way I could get someone to love me was to have sex with them but it never happened. One night stand, turned into a house full of them. All for the pursuit of love, all in the wrong places. It’s like trying to get blood from a turnip. I was so desperate for the approval and love of men, that I even put myself in harms way. The issue is that I wrapped my self worth around sex. I started to believe that there was no way for a guy to love me. I thought something was better than nothing, well I was very wrong.

With isolation comes loneliness, which is one of the major triggers I learned in therapy. HALT… Hungry Anger Lonely Tired… I really have to be careful when I get lonely because it triggers a Pandora’s box of emotions and insecurities, which brings up behaviors that can make me very unhappy. It is so easy to go spiral downward very quickly.

I take things personal. Then I internalize it. Then  the whole toy box of negativity comes out to play. I need to be very careful with my choices when I am starting to feel this way. I have to remind myself is this going to hurt or help me? I really need to do this with my eating habits.

When you have little or no self worth you aren’t going to care about what you put your mind, body and soul through. All you wan’t are the quick fixes to give you that high. Now that I am rebuilding my self worth I am learning to overcome these challenges. I need to consider my mind, body and soul as a temple. Processing the emotion, rather than trying to stuff the feeling deep inside is the only way I can heal. I am learning to replace my unhealthy coping skills with new healthy ones.

Here is a list of some of the things I can do that will help reconnect myself when I am feeling depressed, disconnected or triggered:

1. Meditate.

2. Spend time with my nieces and nephew.

3. Be creative.

4. Blog about my feelings.

5. Positive self talk.

6. Call my best friend.

7. Get out of the house.

8. Watch a funny show or movie.

There are countless things I can do to feel better. What is on your list?

I also have to remind myself that I am going to have bad days and when I do have a bad day it isn’t the end of the world. Tomorrow is always another day, a new chance for the sun to shine. Everyone has bad days. As I start to connect more to my spirituality and I continue to heal, the bad days will not be as severe or as often.