How to Become Un-Broken

This is something that I’ve been thinking about lately. How to fix what’s already broken. I’m not talking about a vase or mirror. I’m talking about the human spirit. Now some would argue that a human’s spirit can’t be broken but when you’re at that low point it’s hard to see outside in.

Life is full of ups and downs. You get knocked down and you get back up. Each time you’re knocked down afterwards it becomes more difficult to get back up. It starts off as a pebble and before you know it you’ve got a gigantic boulder. A boulder so heavy that it feels impossible to get back up.

After my Mom died (almost four years ago) I was kicked to the ground. It was the first time in my life that I’ve gone so long before getting back up. Losing my Mom wasn’t the first time I was knocked to the ground but it was a KO punch that’s kept me at the bottom. Most of my life I’ve felt broken but I’ve always mended the wound. I guess I’ve only patched the break but this time there was no denying I felt broken.

For me, the key will be not expecting to be put back together the way before the event because that will only set myself up for failure. There are just some things in life that can’t be fixed like my Mother’s death and the whole that was punched through my heart. No amount of therapy and growth will ever completely fill that hole. It’s a gaping hole that I need to cope with. Like having diabetes I have to manage the symptoms.

So rather than trying to fix what’s broken I guess I just need to start building a new model of myself. Start from scratch and build the life I want to. That’s not easy as I’ve got a lot of digging to do. I’m at the point in my life where I don’t see a clear path to happiness and freedom. I have an idea of who I want to become and what I want to do but nothing confirmed. Like I know I want to do something artistically related where I can give back to others.

Today I was reminded (again) of my impact on this world. Often times I’ve wondered how in the world can I help other people when I feel so broken? I’ve since realized that there is no time but then to share yourself. We live in a world full of hurdles, mountains to climb. I know that I’m not the only person struggling in life. So I guess I just have to keep doing what I’m doing and have faith that things will work out for me.

Having faith hasn’t always been my strongest quality. I struggle with it daily. I’ve failed a lot of times and it’s never easy. I’m tired of being disappointed. I recently watched a video of Oprah (who I love) and in the video she talks about failure. She says, failure is just there to point you in a different direction. It really opened my eyes about the failures in my life. I’ve always been a strong believer in good things can come from bad things. That doesn’t make it easier but there is some relief to know that the disappointment and rejection will propel you towards what you deserve and need.

After I came back from my art show in NYC last August I expected my life to change but instead I came home to a lot of emptiness both physically (as I gave away something very deep and precious to me) and mentally. In many ways life became more complicated afterwards, not easier like I thought. Each hurdle I jump I ask myself when will life get any easier. In my mind the experience of creating the tree and traveling to NYC for the show would propel me towards a life where I created full time. When that didn’t happen (yet) it became a reminder of my failures. That’s the difficult part when you’ve failed a lot, is not allowing past failures to add to the weight. I’ve struggled with overcoming it and it’s not a skill that I’ve quite mastered but I’m not giving up.

Each failure will lead you closer to what you need. I have to remind myself of this. If I didn’t get something is that it wasn’t meant for me to go down that road. There is something better out there for me. That’s where having faith comes in handy. It’s facing failure and knowing that it’s only a detour to get you back on track. I also think it’s important to remember that no many times you fail there’s never a point where you stop succeeding. You just need to keep putting yourself out there. Wave your arms about like a crazy person if you need to. Scream to the universe that you’re ready for whatever is out there.

So I guess that’s where I’m at today. I don’t quite feel as broken as I use to be but I still don’t feel I’ve moved much ground. I’m still unsure and uneasy. I don’t know if I will ever be 100% again but I have to keep trying. I won’t lie I’m beat. I’m worn out. I might be moving slowly but I still am moving. Even if it’s a snail pace, as a dear friend once told me, you’re still in motion.

Some days are harder than the other but I refuse to give up. It’s just not who I am. I’m tired of the rejection but I won’t let that stop me from living my dream. I just hope it happens sooner than later. I deserve to be happy and whole again, as we all do.

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Insecurity is the root of my self destruction!

So tonight I watched this weeks episode of Project Runway. I am not going to say who went home as not spoil it for those who haven’t seen it yet but I will say that the person sent home really caused a lot of emotion for me.

As I sat down the computer I broke down into tears… I am still struggling to keep it together. While I am upset that the person was sent home, I know the reason why I am so upset is that it has triggered something inside of me that I relate to.

This designer has shown that he/she a lot of talent and creativity but their self doubt got the best of him/her. Tonight’s episode reminded me how self destructive insecurity can be. It can twist and turn you until there is nothing left to give.

That is what my self doubt has done to me. I literally wanted to yell at the screen to get this person to snap out of it. I was so angry that he/she was blowing his/her chance. I was wanting to yell at myself.

I am my worst enemy. I have been the one standing in the way of my happiness and success. All me. 100%!!! I didn’t believe in myself or my craft. You can have a hundred people tell you one thing but all it takes is one voice to drag you down.

Well I am done with that shit. I am done self destructing. Done listening to the voices that tell me to give up. The ones that tell me I am not good enough. Ugly. Fat. Worthless.

Fuck it, I am fabulous. I’m beautiful damn it, as Bette Midler says!!!

Sure I’ve been knocked down, kicked around… It was my choice to stay down. Well I am getting back up. It is my time to show the world what I have got. As it is for the designer that was eliminated. We are not our failures. They make us stronger, give us the fight to do better next time. One of the many things I have learned from the death of my Mama is that there is still time to make my own, find my way.

I am doing it for me and my Mama.

These voices in my head that drag me to the ground, I am evicting them. Your rent payment bounced a long time ago and it is time to leave my head!!! I have a new tenant that believes in me and wants to see me succeed. Someone who will lift and hold me up.

I am strong, not weak like the voice has made me believe. Strong enough to say enough is enough. It was really interesting to watch Project Runway and see myself up on the runway. It was like I was the one being sent home. I felt so defeated. It was like I was watching my life unfold on that stage. The television became a mirror.

The good news is that I now can see the culprit for all my crash and burns. I have been able to look myself in the eyes unafraid. Once you can look your fears, failures and disappointments straight in the eye, you have nothing else left to fear.

I feel my fight growing stronger than ever before. Before I allowed hurt and pain to set me afire, burning me to the core… Now I am learning how to use that aggression, despair, anger, pain, disappointment and agony as fuel. Fuel my passion… my determination… my strength… will to fight… Rather than turning that flame into unhealthy choices, I am finally turning them into positive ones.