Wait, what? There is Another Option for Gender???

Growing up there were only two options for gender. I had the parts for a boy, so I was sorted into that category. My identity did not match my birth gender so obviously I didn’t in. Actually I stuck out as sore thumb.I would always tell people that inside I felt like a woman. Looking back I always thought it was because I was a gay boy. It wasn’t until recently that I discovered that I never really fit into the gay community either.

I tried hard to fit in and it always made me feel horrible. I was constantly judged for my size. To most gay men a fat person is a leper. When I found the bear community I thought at least I found the place to fit in and I couldn’t be more wrong. Toxic masculinity is rampant in the bear world where everything is hypersexualized. Where the bears are real men. No fats or fems allowed. I suppress my femininity for a long while, especially around those in the bear community. I hid behind this masculine facade. It was all an illusion. I fit the type. I was a big, hairy and bearded. My outside didn’t match my insides. I felt less because I was comparing myself to others. I didn’t have another example to go by.

The toxic masculinity ran so deep that I was oblivious to it for a very long time. I first started to chip away at that during 2010 when I performed in drag. When I looked in the mirror for the first time I was amazed. I felt like I was looking at myself for the first. It was the first time I felt beautiful. I was totally fabulous, all dolled up. My outside finally matched who I was inside. These feelings quickly subsided as my life didn’t warrant embracing that side of me. I didn’t have a word for it, nor did I know what I meant. I was in an abusive relationship at the time and that took priority having to deal with the aftermath of moving out of state away from him. I did what I have done in the past and went back into hiding. It became just another memory of my past.

After a while I gave up trying to be that person everyone wanted me to be. I couldn’t do it anymore. I had pretended to be someone else for too long and I was fed up. So I embraced my fabulousness and my femininity. Without thinking what it meant I started to identify as queer a few years ago. Even with that I didn’t realize it went deeper than the label of describing my sexual orientation, that it was related to my gender. Like I said for the longest time I didn’t have anyone to compare myself too that was like me.

That was until the popularity of RuPaul’s Drag Race. I started to notice the queens who embraced that side of them. They didn’t try to wrap themselves up in that mold. They just lived freely and were no holds barred fabulous! Queens like Jinkx Monsoon who didn’t try to be anyone but themselves. Jinkx after her time on RPDR would come out to be non-binary. Even then I didn’t connect it to my gender. I didn’t realize I was looking at myself.

It wasn’t until recently when I started to work on my comic book Dragzilla that I started to open up. Slowly the layers started to peel away. I had always had some sort of facial hair. I haven’t been clean shaven since my early twenties. I didn’t realize that I was hiding behind my beard. It was until last year that I realized that I didn’t even like my beard. I started to embrace Dragzilla and the lines between fiction and real life started to blur. Dragzilla is the story of fierce drag queen superhero who stands up against hate crimes while her alter ego is shy and insecure. I realized that I was telling my story. Dragzilla is who I am. Who I am becoming.

It took me a while to see the writing on the wall or in this case the pages of the comic. I remember going into therapy with a word that I was struggling with. I was scared to say Transgender. Was I transgender? That was the only other option that I saw. If my body didn’t match my insides then it was natural to question it. I had very little to go by and what I did see was Transgender people. I was really confused for a while and I still am a bit. It took a few months then it dawned on me that there was a fourth option. It was then I realized that my queerness related to my gender, that I was genderqueer/non-binary. It was a huge revelation. No wonder I hated myself for most of my life. I have never felt like I could be myself. I had always felt like I was a freak who never fit in anywhere.

I remember Courtney Act (a fierce, fish of a queen) talk about gender being a spectrum and I really related to that. It wasn’t until recently that I realized how true that was. I’ve started growing out my hair, which is also new for me. A few weeks ago I had went to the grocery store and put my hair up. I don’t think I have ever felt that free. It was an amazing feeling. I wish that it lasted. While I have this new discovery I have forty years of falsehoods to shake free. I wish it were just as easy as transforming myself like a butterfly from a cocoon but unfortunately live doesn’t work that way. The transformation is much more gradual.

Today in therapy I talked about how I felt the old me was holding me back. I had recently decided to change my name to Drew. At first it felt great when I changed my name on Facebook but very quickly I started to feel less because I started to think about what others would think. That’s the problem. I care too much what others think of me. I hate it. That’s something I really wish I could let go of. I have come a long ways but I still have ways to go. I use to let it stop me from doing what I wanted. Now I say fuck it and do it anyways but deep down inside I’m afraid of being judged. It’s not just my gender that I do this. I live in fear. I’m disabled and on food stamps. I hate when I have to use my card. I try to hide it the best I can because it’s always my fear that someone will confront me as I look like an abled-bodied person. This is just one example.

I’ve had a bit of buyers remorse which isn’t nothing new. I have done that most of my life. The closer I was to who I was inside the more I tried to fight it. I have mastered self destruction. The difference now is that I’m in therapy and have a therapist I love. I’m able to process it deeply and look at it in a different way. I feel a bit of tug and war. My old self is trying hard to pull the new me under. The stronger I get the harder it becomes. I have days I feel like I can embrace Drew and then there are days Derek takes hold of me. I haved lived 41 years falsely as a man and that caused a lot of damage. It’s created a lot of baggage that I must dust off, pick up and throw away. One piece of luggage at a time. The days will pass when I have more days where I embrace non-binary than not. The key is to not beat myself up, which I do a lot. To be easy with myself. To expect that there will be days where the process is messy and difficult. I wish it were just as easy as putting on a wig and makeup. While that’s a start I have to work from the inside out if this will ever stick.

It starts slowly like a ripple in the water. I want to buy a safety razor so I can start shaving regularly. That will be a big step as having a beard isn’t me. I’m starting of think of new ways of embracing all parts of me. I’m learning to be comfortable with who I really am and part of that is expressing myself on the exterior. I’m excited about growing my hair out to the point of frustration because it’s taking to long to grow out. Hopefully the exterior and interior will be welded together. As I get more comfortable inside it’s easier for me to embrace it to the world. I had the thought today as I was leaving the grocery store about what would happen if I wore a dress. I went right to fear of someone saying something nasty to me. I just need to let that go. If someone has the nerve to come up to me with judgments expect to be knocked to the ground. I just need to embrace the strength of Dragzilla. Just live my life as I want and not care what anyone else thinks. So what if someone judges me, they will do it regardless. As RuPaul says, it’s not my business. I don’t have time for them. I’m too busy being fabulous.

I just need to enjoy the ride. I hope that everything fades away and I can start loving myself. I’m inpatient. I want to attach my cocoon to a stick and whip it all around. The butterfly will never emerge that way. The metamorphosis is gradual and natural. All in due time. The transformation is a journey and a process. Eventually I will fully shed my male skin and it will just be another memory in the past.


Who Is Dragzilla?


You might be wondering this. You’ve probably heard of reports of someone coming to the rescue of the LGBTQ citizens of Straightlandia. While the city might be letting you down I will not. It’s not right that we have to hide in the closet because of the archaic laws that exist. No one should ever have to feel unsafe.

I will stand up for those who aren’t able to. I will avenge the deaths of our brothers and sisters. Too many have lost their lives at the hands of Roid Rage and others like him. Losers who feel it’s their duty to rid the world of faggots. I will not stand by and let this happen.

The city has failed us and we can’t wait for the politicians to save us. We deserve equal and fair treatment. We’re not second class citizens. It’s time to rise up and fight. I will be your warrior. I know many of you are scared and that’s understandable. We live in a scary time.

If you find yourself in trouble just scream Dragzilla and I will come to your rescue.

Stop Derek from Being Homeless


A few weeks ago I received an eviction from the people I rent a room from to be out of here by the end of the month. It was unexpected and unfounded. I’ve been a great tenant, paying my rent on time. I’ve come to find out that they want someone else to move in. Now they’re trying to push up my move out date by a week, which has left me scrambling for a new place to live. As it stands now the only option I have is to go live in a homeless shelter. I’m trying to raise enough money to help pay my rent (for my own place) until my SSI court date in Feb next year.
I’m disabled and unable to work. I’m waiting for a court date for SSI disability, which will be Feb 2017. I’m hoping to raise enough money to get me through until that date. I’ve suffered from major depression disorder and PTSD most of my life. There hasn’t been a time in my adult life that I haven’t suffered from depression and PTSD. When I have a PTSD episode friends/family become strangers and strangers become enemies. It’s like being in a war zone. My current living situation has pushed me to my limit, as the last few months have been extremely stressful living here.

Stability is something I’ve never had and something I’m so desperate for. Being able to get my own place would bring that into my life. Lately I’ve made an effort to better my life. I’ve consistently been in therapy and on medicine since 2013, as well as seeing a psychiatrist. I’ve recently moved all my services to this county and having to move out of this town would put my health at risk.

I have a new therapist who I love. She’s working on a new treatment for those with PTSD called EMDR. It’s helps the patient to reprogram traumatic events into more healthy ways. I’ve finally taken my life back after four years of complete hell. In 2012, my Mom died from cancer causing me to spiral into a deep, dark depression. It’s taken me four years but I’m finally starting to feel like myself again. I’ve come to terms with my disablity and now realize that I need to treat it like diabetes.

I’ve tried to do this on my own and that doesn’t work. So I’m asking for help. I’m so very scared to be homeless. I’ve made a lot of progress the last few months and I want to keep moving forward. I’ve also started to embrace my art again by working on a new comic book. My passion for art has helped me through some very difficult times in my life. Having my own place would give me a safe space to create new works of art.

I’ve suffered for too long and finally realize that I deserve better. I’m taking my life back and I’m determined to get my own place. No matter what is thrown at me I don’t let it keep me down. Every time a hurdle is placed in front of me I clear it. I will keep climbing this mountain until I get a home of my own. While the last two months have been some of the worst times in my life it has helped me find an inner strength that I didn’t know was there. All this time I thought I was broken but I always rebound. Then it dawned on me through all the bad things in my life I’m still here. I’m strong as steel.

Thanks for taking the time to hear my story. Please consider sharing this campaign with everyone you know.

Here are some of my recent sketches of my comic book. Also follow my facebook page for DragZilla! DragZilla is the story of a gay man brutally attacked because he’s gay. He cries out for help and in his hour of need a glimmer of light appears. A goddess like entity, who goes by the name Glimmer, transforms him into a drag queen superhero. He starts off his journey to find justice for his attack but in the process becomes a beacon of light for the LGBTQ community. I’m really excited to have started work on this new project of mine. Having my own place would help me bring to life DragZilla!

Femmephobia in the Gay Community

So I was reading comments on a Facebook post (I know that’s a recipe for disaster) about a young gay man who was overtly feminine. Well the article wasn’t about his personality but that didn’t stop the haters from spewing their internalized homophobia. In an hour of the posting there were at least four comments about how he was a disgrace to the LGBTQ community and that he was making the “normal” gay men look bad. I was just disgusted and reminded about how much internal homophobia there still is.

Sure I get it. Most of us had to hide who we were for a very long time. We were told having feminine traits was unacceptable. A man loving another man that’s not masculine. Men are macho, drink beer and are womanizers. Society has set this idea of what is and isn’t acceptable for men, as they have with women. If you don’t fit that mold you’re made to feel less. As to not stick out like a sore thumb you go inward hiding who you. The only thing that does is stunts your growth.

Bottom line gay men who look down upon guys who are feminine have deeply rooted misogyny. I’ve always wondered what is so wrong with a man having the traits stereotypical for a woman or man who wears a dress and/or makeup? Why does society tell us that it’s wrong and ugly? Who wrote the book on the rules and guidelines for masculinity and femininity. I have yet to find that book. So why do so many people feel trapped by this to the point they have to prove to the world their masculine by shunning anyone who might break a hole in their false image.

I look at our gay youth and I’m just awe inspired at their courage to be whoever they want. Most of them never had to endure what we did and we should be happy for that. They’ve not had it thrown down their throats that they must conform to the rules of manhood. They can be just as fabulous as they were born to be. Guys who are femmephobic are so jaded and bitter that they must take it out on others. To feel good about themselves they have this great desire to tear others down. The only person that looks bad is them but they don’t care. They don’t even see the elephant in the room.

That kind of hatred is dangerous and toxic. Growing up it was always known that men don’t cry. I would compare myself to other boys and I always felt different. I didn’t like the same things that most boys did. I wasn’t into sports and I loved musicals. When I came out of the closet it was the most freest I’ve ever been. Those chains no longer tied me down but sadly for so many they still are even years after they’ve come out. I can remember a date that I was on in my early twenties and the guy just gave it to me about how much like a woman I was. He went out of his way to shun me. I felt horrible but he was the one with the problem.

It’s so easy to forget what is out there until you’re faced with it head on. I learned this when I started to perform in drag. I had guys who’d tell me that they wouldn’t date me because of it. I even had other gay guys question why I dressed up in drag. Personally I think drag queens are the best part of our gay community. So many don’t see it that way. To get up on stage in heels, makeup and a dress takes nerve in this world. I mean getting on stage is nerve wracking enough. I love anyone who says fuck you to the social norms. Drag for me blends gender and art. So many gay guys look down upon drag queens when in reality they were the ones fighting for equality early on. We have them to think for a lot of the strides we have made today. How a person dresses and/or acts has no relation to who they are inside. How someone dresses doesn’t make them a bad person. A bad person is someone who does bad things including making others  feel less. There’s no strength in belittling someone else for who they are, what they wear and who they love.

I can’t imagine what my transgender brothers and sisters must endure on a daily basis. They’re at the forefront of this battle. So many are judging them for who they are deep within. It’s not surprising that so many transgender people try to end their lives, not to mention the countless murders of trans folks. All because of gender. Misogyny is what it boils down to. From the beginning of time women have been treated less. Like being a woman makes you less of a person. Who the fuck came up with that rule??? I think being a woman is one of the best things in this world. I mean women bring life into this world. If it weren’t for women we’d all be fucked. So anyone that tries to step out of the social norm is instantly an outcast. I mean that’s why people have such a problem with being gay. We’re breaking the rules thus for breaking the ceiling in their hate filled house. I learned this a long time ago with my father. People like this gain a false sense of control by grasping onto an ideology. They’re not confident with it because it’s not real so in order to stay safe they must convince as many people as they can that their way. They will stop at nothing to stop the cracks from breaking them free. They don’t care who they drag down or who they hurt in the process, as long as it keeps them safe and secure.

Life is too short be whoever you want to be. That’s how I approach life. If it’s not hurting anyone and the person enjoys it then more power to them. For the longest time I was embarrassed by my feminine side, as I had been brainwashed into believing that it was an abomination. I now realize that’s the best part of me. I love my sensitivity and the fact that I’m not afraid to cry. It’s taken me a long time but I’m finally proud to be fabulous and I feel bad for those who don’t feel it themselves. They’ve hidden those beautiful traits for so long that the lack of has become a part of their personalities.

Anyone who doesn’t fit that mold is labeled a loser. Guys on this post called him disgusting, not apart of the community. They just continue to spew. They’ve internalized the homophobia cast upon them and in return are doing the exact same thing to others who have the traits that they were scolded for. These types of guys are stuck in the past and are going to be left behind. The youth of today are free from those chains that held us down for so long, at least most of them. They can be whoever they want to be without the fear of judgment.

Our youth have broken the mold of what it means to be gay. They’ve colored outside the lines. There is this young boy who I quite admire. He’s proud of his fabulousness and he’s constantly encouraging me to be proud of mine. To this day I still struggle to be me. Here he is at ten years old (or around that age) and not afraid to be himself. It’s so refreshing to watch his journey. Thankfully he has a wonderfully, loving mother who embraces who he is and encourages his exploration. I mean this kid is already a fashion icon. There are so many young boys just like him. I wish I was able to be like that when I was a kid. I’m not one of these gay guys who are so stubborn and stuck in their ways that they feel like they’ve got to prove that way is wrong. While I’m sad I couldn’t embrace my fabulousness that early I’m proud and happy they have the chance to. That’s all we can hope for, that the next generation will have it easier than we did.

So I’m just disgusted when I read these types of comments because it reminds me of what I went through. I’m very thankful I didn’t let that poison turn me into the person who shunned and judged me. No one should be judged or made to feel less for who they are or who they love. If a man wants to wear a dress who cares. The last time I checked wearing a dress isn’t going to cause the end of the world, though some act like it will. Neither will wearing makeup. Life is tough enough, be what you want to be. There is no normal or a mold that you have to fit in.

One of my favorite poems speaks to all of this:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson

We are ALL meant to shine. Who are you not to be? Be fabulous, wear it proudly. We’ve earned that right. So if you want to sashay down the runway, do it! I can tell you that you’ll probably enjoy it. I’ve hid for so many years and not just my femininity. It causes great internal damage. Playing small doesn’t serve the world, it doesn’t help anyone especially yourself. When you’re authentic and free that liberates others. So by being fabulous you’re giving another human being the courage to do so as well.

In the end, I feel sorry for these guys. So lost and stuck that they don’t even realize it. They’re the one with the issue and the only ones making our community look bad. We’ve been put through enough, it’s our time to shine.

For the Love of Snatch! All the T and Shade You Can Eat! RPDR Snatch Game All Stars 2 Ru-action!

Spoiler alert… There are bells ringing, can’t you hear them??? This is your two minute warning. The T train will be leaving shortly. So unless you want to get t spilt all over you then you better get off… the train that is… If you’ve snatched this game, then carry on…

Here are my thoughts on episode two. If you’ve not noticed I’m kinda obsessed with the show. Though I think many of us are.  After each new episode it kills me to have to wait a whole week for the next one. Plus with it being on Thursday night now, every Monday I get all excited and then disappointed to remember it’s on Thursdays now. Be forewarned that I wrote a book. So if you make it to the end you get bonus points.

My favs from snatch game were Katya, Alaska and Alyssa. All three were funny in their own way. If I was to pick a winner I guess it would be Katya. To do Bjork and make her funny isn’t easy. I do agree with the top 2 picks. Alyssa characterization was missing the accent element for me. Some characters work without the voice but Joan is so iconic that I think think having the essence of her voice is important.

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I was really disappointed in Ginger. She did well but I wanted over the top Tammy. I’m not sure if it was editing or not. Maybe she held back because Ru and Tammy were good friends. Phi Phi also didn’t impress me much. Parts were funny like the changing the answers but parts fell flat. It was more cute funny and not a laugh out loud funny for me. I felt bad for both Tati and Roxxy, as they failed big time. The thing about snatch game you gotta have quick wit and unless you have a flawless characterization you’re going to fall and big. Not everyone is able to think on the moment of funny. Like I don’t see either of them as comedy queens so that means they gotta work harder. Arianna was too close to Britney. It worked for her the first time but you can’t do the whole play dumb characterization twice as both singers are similar. and Nancy Grace, she’s just not funny. lol Poor Detox. Im guessing this was taped before season 8. She did a lot better than Acid Betty but I was like girl… Nancy Grace is just a loudmouth to me and I don’t see her translating into comedy that well. Like if you’re going to do her, do it over the top.

I love Snatch Game and was super excited that we got it so early but I did feel like it was a little lack luster this time around. Alaska, Katya and Alyssa were the clear stand outs I guess I always expect more. It could be the editing. I wish the segment would be much longer. It always seems so rushed. When Snatch Game ended I was like I want more… Half the show is the runway and critiques now days. Maybe they only had that much material but it’s hard for me to believe that Ginger didn’t do more? Maybe it was the characters seemed boring to me. I guess it boils down to a choice as Tati would say. Arianna and Nancy aren’t my cup of tea. I don’t find Alaska funny in real life let alone a characterization. If you’re going to do Snatch Game (especially if you pick a boring person) then you gotta go over the top. I didn’t even see that from Ginger as Tammy Faye Baker. I mean come on now. I would have thrown a fit blubbering.

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Again it’s easier said than done. I’ve done comedy before and it’s not easy let alone doing impersonations. Comedy takes a lot of skill and talent. People like Robin Williams make it look easy but it really isn’t. Even great comedians like Margaret Cho fail every now again. With that said if you know comedy isn’t your forte you knowing going into All Stars that you will be forced outside your comfort zone. If you don’t have a person perfected ahead of time then you’re in big trouble if you can’t improvise. I will amend my statement by saying that improvisation is the toughest form of comedy. You have to be quick witted and able to respond to what’s thrown at you. Even if you’ve practiced if improv isn’t your thing you will struggle especially if your character is known for being quick witted. I think that’s why Tatianna did so well her season with Britney. It’s much easier to play dumb, that goes with the setup of improv but that gets old. Snatch Game isn’t the time to try out new material especially if you’re not a comedy/improv queen.


I love Katya but I def thought that Alaska won the lip sync. I didn’t see Katya in her performance and I personally think that she got lost in Alaska’s world. When someone uses you as a prop it’s tough to overcome that. I think she knew that Alaska was going to win and said fuck it I’m going to do my own thing. She was even cracking up at the end. That’s totally Katya.

Runway looks. I’ve come to look forward to these. I never use to see them as competing with the main challenge but these days I think it’s just important. Queens like Acid Betty and Kim Chi have upped the game in the terms of looks. So I look at the runway much differently than I use to. The clear top 3 were Katya, Detox and Alaska. Alaska from head up was the clear winner. Those eyes with her hair was amazing. Her outfit was great too but compared to Detox’s it didn’t compare. Detox look was amazing from head to toe. I loved her take on an Amazon woman. I think her runway alone should have saved her from the bottom 3. Katya was also up there especially because it was so unexpected. How many people would think to do something like that??? She wins alone on originality but I think Detox just edges her out.

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Alyssa’s was look was totally her. I loved the hair, the dress was cute but felt she went too safe. I loved Ginger’s dress and thought it complemented her body well but she was against too much competition in the looks. For a big girl to wear latex and have it look flattering that takes talent.

Phi Phi might have gained some points with her Snatch Game but her runway was horrible especially compared to the others. It was too basic. Where is this queen that I see on 365??? I have yet to see a runway look to floor me like her looks on 365 does. The time crunch isn’t an excuse as Kim was able to make it work. I don’t know if its the runway challenge that throws her off and maybe the bathing suit was the only latex you had but still do something else other than throw some rubber duckies around your neck… and I love me some rubber duckies. At the very least she could have done something really cool with her hair and face. Her face and hair were the worst part of her. I’m starting to question her creativity and is she having someone help her with her 365. Why isn’t that translating to the screen? Something is missing.

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I loved Roxxxy’s look. It wasn’t over the top like the others but I thought she looked great. Stunning actually. I’m a sucker for big hair. I went from not being able to stand her in her season to rooting for her in AllStars. I see the most growth from her than anyone else. Especially when you compare her to Phi Phi. You can tell she’s grown and matured. Tati’s look was basic for me. I didn’t see a lot of creativity to it. I think it was Michelle who said it looked like something from Frederick’s of Hollywood and it did. Though Tati is a fishy queen and that’s her thing.

The bottom three… I was gullible and believed Alaska. So when she said Tati I was like what??? Then I was like okay totally predictable. Rolaskatox is still alive and well. So they obviously have an alliance which is totally apart of the game. It’s like Survivor meets RPDR. It’s going to get cut-throat at the end and I kind of like that. I could see Ginger, Katya and Alyssa forming an alliance. There will be backstabbing, trust me. 100k brings out the snake in you.

I feel really bad for Tati. I think she had the most to prove and the most to lose being that she was in season two. So much has changed and the fan base has spread like a wildfire. So I feel bad as she’s missing out on screen time. Prior to this season I was never really a fan of her. Her style of drag isn’t the kind I like but I grew to really like her this season. She has a wit and is honest. She knew that she was going home. I’m gullible she certainly isn’t.

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Both Tati and Roxxxy shined last week big time so you can see the stardom there. It just happened their snatch game fell flat and let’s be honest Snatch Game isn’t easy by any means. Comedy isn’t every one’s niche. Snatch Game will eat you alive. Personally I feel that Phi Phi should have been in the bottom three just on her runway alone. She had a middle of the road Snatch game. Plus unlike Tati and Roxxxy, I’ve yet to see much from her. She talked this talk of changing but I’m starting to see some things that I don’t like. She has a bitter edge to her and that personality doesn’t mesh well with me. Sure it’s a game and there is strategy but that doesn’t always win you points for being a shark. She’s reining her bitchiness in but you can still see it seeping out. Personality is everything and that will win you points both in and out of the game. Alaska and Katya are game players for sure but they’re likable. Maybe Phi Phi will shine but I’m giving up hope that she’s a changed queen.

When I learned about the new twist I was worried it was going to become another heather situation. So I’m curious to see how it plays out. The way it’s done it makes the queens fight even harder to the be the best. Before it was just impressing Ru but now it’s impressing everyone. Plus there’s 10k and a prize in it now for the top. With the level of talent in this group playing safe could very well put you in the bottom 3. So you gotta bring your A game and the rest of the alphabet along with it. Two weeks in a row Katya and Alaska shined. Even Alyssa did very well both weeks. They’re the ones to beat right now. If you’re on point every week and bringing showstoppers you will go far but one slip it could end it all. It’s the best of the best of the best. Ru ain’t playing this season.

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I’m really curious about the twist at the end. You know there are bound to be other twists. This year they’re out for blood. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone is brought into the competition outside the 10. I about flipped out when JuJu turned into Shangela, who I love. Will these queens get a chance to come back into the competition or will they be apart of a drag council at the end to help pick the winner. If it’s the later then how you play the game will affect you just as much. It’s a tricky game of balance which makes for great tv.

As for Adore I saw that coming. It’s too bad but I can’t hold it against her. Yes, it’s disappointing that so many would have loved to have that position but I don’t think she did this on purpose and she probably never would have guessed in her wildest dreams that she’d drop out. Just because they’re experienced it doesn’t make them any less human. All Stars is a totally different game than the regular season. Yes the name of the game is judgment but unless you’re in it you won’t know the power that has on a person’s psyche. Adore has some deep rooted demons and the game became unsafe for her. She could hardly keep it together after just one critique, there isn’t no way for her to mentally handle any more. Adore’s buried her fears and insecurities with her drag and she wasn’t expecting the demon to come to the surface. So she did what a lot of people do. Fight or flight, and she chose to fly away.

The sad thing is eventually it will catch up to her. No matter how far you fly or how fast those demons will always be there to meet you. So from someone who has struggled with my own demons I really feel for her. I wasn’t ever a fan of Adore’s. Just not my style and I always found her annoying but I have a changed view on her. I’m still not a big fan of hers and her music doesn’t do anything for me but I appreciate who she is and the journey she is on. When she channels all of the bad with the good, she will be unstoppable. (I’ve since watched her response video to last night’s episode where she explains what she was going through and someone who’s dealt with a loss recently and depression, I totally get it. Grief and depression can really fuck you up, it alters who you are.)

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Unless you’re on that stage and being judged you will never know what it’s like. It’s so easy for any of us to say oh I wouldn’t do that or they should have done this but unless you’re under the microscope you just have no clue what it’s like. I was hoping that at the end of the episode when Tati left Ru would have said you don’t have to leave because Adore did but this is All Stars and there’s no room for second chances… at least not yet. Again I feel bad because many of this queens have had a lot more spotlight than Tati. I just hope that she was on the show enough to get some exposure.

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My favorites prior to the start of the season were Ginger and Katya. So far I feel Ginger is getting lost in the mix and that saddens me. I hope she has a breakthrough as I just adore her and find her hilarious. So they’re still my favs but I will add Roxxy to that mix. If it weren’t for her attitude I would have loved her in her season. I hope she’s able to recover from the Snatch Game. If anything this season’s proved that the only person standing in your way is yourself. Alyssa I’ve grown to love as well. Prior to this season I didn’t know a lot about her. The season she was on I missed a good portion of it and never got a chance to catch up. She’s hilarious and quirky, and I love that. Plus she’s a great dancer and can put on a show. Detox and Alaska are both solid as well. Alaska was another one who got on my nerves her season but I find her charming and fun this one. Detox is classic Detox. I love her personality. So really it’s anyone’s game.

*****WARNING: Get’s on a soapbox!*******

Phi Phi is the one who is starting to become nails on a chalkboard. She was the only queen who I wouldn’t have felt too bad if she was sent home. That might be harsh but it’s true. Again these are my opinions. Everyone has their favorites and someone has to go home. It’s never fun to see a queen you love sent home so you start to play this bargaining game of who you hope goes home. Like when one of your favorites doesn’t do well then that puts you almost in the hot seat. So I was there with Phi Phi. I feel bad but that’s how I felt. Honestly I was most excited to see her on AllStars because of her 365 looks. I was expecting a total transformation and I just don’t see that both in and out of drag. I don’t deal well with people who lash out, so to see her act out of drag brings some red flags to me. I believe in giving people second chances but if I see similar traits as before it will send me packing. If I don’t like your personality and you’re not bringing it to the stage with your drag then I will quickly exit. I guess I kind of feel duped in believing she’s grown both in and out of drag. Many of her 365 looks are amazing. They’re visually stunning. I could put up with the tude if she had the stunning visual. Like with Acid Betty. Yes, she was a bitch but she owned it and it didn’t stand in the way of her drag.

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I’m not writing her off just yet but if she continues to rub me the wrong way it’s going to distract me from her craft, especially if she doesn’t bring to AllStars what she’s done on 365 which is disappointing. For me to fall in love with a queen who is visual I need something more and if that queen has a bitterness to them then I struggle with overlooking it. I guess I look for queens who are authentic. What you get online and in the show, is what you get in person. Something isn’t matching up for me with Phi Phi. Like I can appreciate what she can do visually online but if it doesn’t translate to her performance in real life then it’s not something I would go to see. Again everyone has their likes and dislikes. I’m kind of a greedy fan. I want it all. I want the visual and the performance. I can forgive some of the visual if they wow me with stage presence. You can only stare at a pretty flower for so long.

Yes, I’m kind of ragging on Phi Phi. I just saw so much on her 365 looks that I was really excited to see her on the show… Even if this was taped before 365 she still should have had that creativity long before it. AllStars is the top of crop. They all know their facing stiff creative competition. So if a person isn’t performing well or doesn’t have a great personality outside of drag, then she will lose fans. Those like Phi Phi and Roxxxy have so much more to prove both to themselves and the fans. So they’re judged on a higher platform, especially how they carry themselves. I’ve been so happy to see Roxxy’s transformation. I hope she continues to blossom.


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I also have to look inward as to what about Phi Phi is rubbing me the wrong way to where I write as much as I did. Part of it reminds me of the people in my life who have been like her. Those who lash out and let their stress get the best of them. Then there’s also the artistic side of myself who hasn’t always shined and half assed certain things in my life. If she is the mastermind behind her 365 looks then she’s obviously talented and creative. I’m just not seeing the same person and I guess I hold her on a high pedestal because of her 365 looks. That made me forgive the kind of person she was on her season. Her 365 looks put her at the top of my fav all times, especially thinking she had grown and was much more than shown. So if I don’t see a breakthrough on the show in terms of drag esthetic and the personality then I will put her back into the category of appreciating their visual but not following them like I do some of my other favorites.

******Get’s off soapbox******

and yes, I wrote a novel! I just love this show and drag queens period!!!

Huggs, Derek aka Puddin Pie (yes, that’s my drag name)

PS. I love the new twist. It adds so much drama to the show. Though I will like it a lot less if my girls get picked off one by one by a cliche I don’t care for. ha ha

If you’re not bored out of your mind, here are my tidbits so far:

1. Why is Phi Phi lately shown in boy drag during promos? Like with the promos below:

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and this:

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Btw, I love this photo of Alyssa. It doesn’t hurt that she’s surrounded by all that delicious man cream, I mean ice cream!

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I know Milk lately has been showing up to events as his boyself. Is this a new trend? Personally when I go to see the queen’s I want to see them in their full getups. Only RuPaul gets to parade around as his boyself. She’s earned it!

2. I absolutely loved Ru’s dress. I’m a sucker for pink! I wish I had a better pic. This doesn’t do it justice. I especially love the pink hair.

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3. I have a love/hate relationship with Michelle Visage. I’ve grown to love her but at first it was hard for me to see past that rough exterior. The fan I use to be would have totally ripped her apart for what she said to Adore. Now I realize she does that because she cares and is trying to push them further. With that said she TOTALLY would make me cry. Like ugly cry. Like Oscar worthy crying. lol


4. I love Ross Mathews. I wish he was a regular judge this season. He’s so witty. I remember when he was an intern on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. I not only want to be him when I grow up, I want to be his bff!

5. Roxxxy’s burlesque performance was amazing. When I performed in Drag it was the burlesque performers who took me in and showed me love. I love when DQ’s do something out of the boxxx. She looks great in a short black wig.

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6. Alyssa is nuts but I love nuts so she’s totally up my alley. I really need to watch the rest of her season. How in the world did I not know that she’s Shangela’s drag mama??? Now it makes sense, Haus of Edwards. Though if the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, what happened with Gia and Laganja? (who I don’t care for at all!!!) Those two must be like the wicked step-sisters but that’d make Alyssa the wicked step-mother… Well she’s crazy enough to play that role.

7. It’s fucked up the amount of hate Adore is getting for the way she looks out of drag these days. There is nothing worse than body shamers. It’s worse than a bad tuck.

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8. Speaking of Shangela, I just knew she would be back in some way this season. I was really surprised she wasn’t a regular cast member. If you could have one queen be a surprise addition who would it be? I think for me it would be Trixie Mattel. I was going to say a queen from season 8 but I think both seasons were tapped too close to each other. I love Shangela so I wouldn’t mind seeing her as well. lol

9. Favorite entrance is probably either Roxxxy or Ginger. I love Roxxxy’s line I don’t care if I’m 300 or 200, I’m always thick and juicy. I loved Ginger’s reveal. Katya was pretty funny too. Though I could be biased since I love Katya and Ginger. Detox looked like a cross between Big Bird and the Chicken Lady on Kids in the Hall. Phi Phi’s catch phrase was pretty cute as well.

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10. CoCo needs to visit the library more often as her reading skills are rusty. Speaking of CoCo. I felt bad that she was sent home. It’s always tough to see someone go home on the first episode. You know how much it takes to get on the show and then to get sent home so early it has to be heartbreaking for the queens.

11. The All Stars at the VMA’s was amazing. My favorite looks were CoCo and Ginger. I’m a huge Madonna fan. I still don’t know who Alyssa, Detox and Katya were. I barely could recognize Roxxxy but maybe that’s because I can’t stand you know who’s. The name we shall not speak of… lol

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12. No matter how hard I try I can’t pop it like Alyssa. I guess no one can. She’s another queen I want to be bff’s with. Let’s be honest I want to be bff’s with most of them.

13. If you were on this season which way would you play the game? Strategically or fair? I think I would try as much as I could to be fair but in the end when the boxing gloves are on that might change. 1ook is a lot of money. That being said I wouldn’t want to be the person to send people home. It would break my heart knowing I was sending someone away from their dreams. So I would make sure to get in the top 2 each week and then blow the lip sync. Sorry, I’m lying… that’s 10k darling, I would work it out. 🙂

14.  What queen am I most like? Probably a mix between Katya, Alyssa and Ginger. I’m quirky and loveable like Katya. I have the wit and saltiness of Ginger. Plus I can dance like Alyssa, well I use to. I’m also a little nuts like her too.

15. Top 3 Predictions: Katya, Detox, Ginger. Granted I’m a little biased by my love for Katgin. I hope Ginger wins it all. She was my favorite in Season 7 and felt she was robbed. Roxxxy could make top 3… So could Alaska. It’s really anyone’s game. It’s so hard to just pick three as I like most of these gals. I picked the three and I thought what about this gal, or that one. It will get to a point where all the queens excel and that’s where lip sync for your legacy will really change the game.

Well I think that’s enough. If you’ve made it this far you get to pick a prize out of the prize closet… but think that’s where Alyssa stores her dummy or one of her personalities, I’m not sure. I just know I hear voices (not my own) and something moving around. I haven’t dared to unlocked it,  so you might get more than you’ve bargained for. If you’ve ever seen the Seinfeld episode with Mr. Marbles you’ll understand my concern.

I’d offer you a donut but do I look like someone who shares his food? 🙂 Anyway thanks for spending time in my shade.

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A Benefit for Kiarra Fontaine in Youngstown, OH at Utopia Nightclub



For those in the Youngstown, Ohio area please stop by Utopia Video Nightclub to help pay tribute to one of Ohio’s finest entertainers Kiarra (KiKi) Fontaine who recently passed away from Cancer.

This benefit will help pay for final expenses and medical bills, which anyone that has ever known someone with Cancer knows that the bills are astronomical!!!

This benefit will be hosted by the amazing Danyel Vasquez!