So my new favorite show lately is The United States of Tara… I am not sure that it’s a great idea with me being in transition, very much like Tara, as the show is very triggering at times. The show has got me thinking about my various different personas I have in me. We all have different personalities, some just have a few more than others.
We have the persona of who we want others to see us as and that changes with different people we encounter. We all have roles to play like Mother, Friend, Brother and so on…
Some of us create persona’s that we aren’t too fond of and others just happen to grow into a certain personality.
When I first started to come out of my shell and let go of the personality traits that weren’t really me, I used my drag persona (Puddin Pie) to embrace who I truly was inside. At the time I didn’t feel safe, comfortable or secure embracing them as Derek. So I used Puddin as a way to test drive who I wanted to be or who I really was. It didn’t go as flawlessly as planed because not everyone was as accepting as I wanted or thought they would be. I hadn’t worked on the parts of me that could handle rejection. So I went running with my heels, panty hose and makeup back into the closet.
That was the key and the reason I went into seclusion in the first place. It was never that I doubted who I was or my abilities, I just didn’t think anyone wanted them or they were too scared by my gifts. So if they didn’t want the good parts of me, I would create others.
So I put my light back into the box and it wasn’t until recently that I let my light back out…
In a way I really relate to Tara (who also was molested by a family member) and how her alters fight with her. The closer you get to the light, the more the darkness tries to suck you back in. It is pure fear at the core. I really feel that negative energy trying to stop me.
The last few months my depression has been in check for the most part. Even with the news of my mother having Cancer I still moved forward but the last couple days I feel something in me that I don’t like. It is almost like a persona is trying to take me over. Now I am not saying DID (Dissociative identity disorder) but I certainly have aspects of it including the dissociative part. I can remember dissociating while I was being molested, I went high above the clouds of that bedroom. When I can’t handle something I can feel myself checking out.
Now that I think of that, that might be what I have been feeling the last few days. I know that the thought of me living my dreams scares me senseless and I am not quite sure why. Possibly because I am starting to embrace my gifts and abilities. I am taking a painting class this summer and it is the first time I have painted like this since 1995. I created this blog which I have been able to connect and share my story with others. I guess I have a lot of change going on. Plus with everything going on with my Mom and the uncertainties of the future, it all can be a little overwhelming.
I feel disconnected. I haven’t felt like this in a while. It is frightening because I am afraid of going back to my old ways. A little over a year ago I was in a dark depression and feeling this way reminds me of that time. I probably was the closest I have ever been to suicide and that scares the crap out of me. I never really wanted to die, I just wanted the pain to end but when you are that low the two blend together. Your pain overpowers your fear of dying. I don’t want to ever go back to that place.
I guess it scares me because I have started to connect with my spirituality. I have felt these wonderful feelings and I don’t want them to go away. I know that I am taking the steps to overcome these feelings. I am not wallering in them. I am airing them out and freeing them. It is when I keep these thoughts and feelings in my head, that I get in trouble.
I also feel very vulnerable. When you are vulnerable you have a greater chance of getting hurt and I am still building my coping skills. I am still letting negative energy get stuck in my connectors. It is like a virus a computer gets. I am working on installing an anti-virus program but that takes time. That is why it is important to be mindful of my surroundings. I am very cautious about being left open because in the past that is when I have gotten hurt but I have to remember that I am at a different place today. It is so easy to flash back to that time when my purity was first robbed. I have to remind myself that I am no longer that child.
My light side is really quiet right now and that bothers me because I need it to fight the darkness. I have felt that the darkness has held my light at bay for many years. I have felt trapped by the abuse. My light side and the boy I was when I was molested are connected. I still can picture that boy in the corner, alone and scared… I no longer have to stay trapped there. I am adult now and have the power to overcome it all.
I guess that might be why getting disconnected is so triggering, as it reminds me of the time when I couldn’t tell anyone about the sexual abuse. When I isolate and hide in the present day, I am mimicking that time in my life where I had this secret that I didn’t think anyone would believe. For close to eight years as a child I held this dark secret in. I was so alone in my despair. Even though it has been seventeen years since I let the secret out, I still have many of those hurtful feelings.
I internalized that darkness and it became me but that isn’t who I am!!! I need to remind myself that I have the power to say NO!!! It is such a little word with such a powerful message. As a abuse victim is very easy to lose your voice. You want to scream and shout NO but only air escapes.
I still get trapped in this victim role. Not only am I a survivor but a WARRIOR!!! We all are!!! My heart is my shield and my light the sword. I have to break free from both the victim and monster roles because they were both passed down my abusers. I must tell them NO!!! I won’t allow you to take over my body any longer.
It is a process and it will take time. One day I will be able to look back and see how far I have came. I am the strongest I have ever been and that will only grow. I am building a new foundation, putting up a new security fence and learning to embrace the gifts inside of me. In the near future, the darkness will not have any power and it will no longer be able to penetrate my walls.