Ready…

I’m ready for a new start… something different. I’ve been hiding for a long time. It didn’t just start when my Mom died last year, I’ve been doing it for as long as I have known and it’s gotten old…

I’ve put up with a lot in my life and tolerated less in my life. I have had enough and can’t keep tolerating less for myself. Expecting that everyone will let me down and then allowing those feelings from taking risks and putting myself out there. It’s a fact of life that people will let you down, they will hurt you and nothing you can do or say will ever stop that. If you put people up on that pedestal they will always fall.

A long time ago I put other people as my center and no wonder I crumble every time I am hurt!!!

Either way I am harmed. At least when I am out in the world I am enjoying life but staying in this cave just brings me more misery. I think I continue to hide as a way to punish myself. I think the only way I could rationalize certain things happening to me, like the sexual abuse, is that I deserved it. Like why would God let something like this happen to me and the only way I could rationalize it away was that I deserved it.

So I have lived most of my life feeling like I deserved the bad things that happened to me to the point when good things would come into my life I would go running away like I was on fire.

I’ve lived life like a victim.

Now I feel like I have nothing left to lose. I’m ready to move on from the past and all the bad feelings that go along with it. The biggest lesson has been that I deserve a lot more than what I have lived. I’ve allowed other people to hold me back. No one else but me did that. It was me and it will be me who allows wonderfulness back into my life.

Losing my beautiful Mother in a way was a wake up call for me. At first again I thought God was punishing me by taking the one good thing in my life but I realize now it was my Mother’s greatest gift for me. She always saw the best in me, even when I felt the worst.

I’ve realized that I don’t need my Mama to hold me up anymore because I am strong enough to do it on my own. No one can tear me down any longer and I can do whatever I desire… to my heart’s content!

There’s so much I want to do, so much I’ve wanted to do and I’ve realized I can do it all and then some. I just have to let the energy flow and allow the wind to blow me where ever I’m meant to go.

So I have to be patient and understand that everything is a process and getting out of this cave will take some time. I just have to remember that I’m doing what it takes to get out of this darkness once again and hope that the next time I feel like hiding I will fight with all my might to not allow the darkness to pull me under, once again…

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Learning To Live Alone

I am about to embark on a journey, one where I live on my own. One of the realizations of my episode a few weeks ago is that I have never really had a place where I felt I could be stable with. Most of the places I have lived in my adult life have usually ended up with me not knowing where I am going next. You can only run so many times before it gets old and I’m worn out from running.

Being on my own frightens the hell out of me but I don’t have a choice. I no longer have a safety net so it is sink or swim time… and I am choosing to swim because I am tired of drowning. It is time for me to put my roots in the earth and make a place for me in this world. Obviously I have a purpose in this world, so I have to make do with what I have been given and trust that the right opportunity will present itself.

Hiding in the basement will not bring me what I need out of life. I have hid all my life and it gets old. Quivering in the corner doesn’t suit me at all. Hiding in the dark only gets you more darkness and I am not meant to stay there. I am light and not meant to be caged. I deserve love and light in return as well.

I have tolerated the dark for way to long, believed that was the only thing I deserved. Misery and pain… Before I would just cower in fear but now I am learning to crawl and pick myself back up. Various situations in my life and my upbringing taught me some things about myself that were untrue. Seeing my mother stay in a marriage where she was treated poorly did a number on me. Children learn by example.

I am no longer that child. I am strong and can take myself out of bad situations. I might not have been able to so many years ago but I can today. My dear mother is free from all the pain and suffering this world can bring you… but I am stuck here. So I either chose to live in misery or I chose to walk in the light.

As scary as walking alone in the light is, it sure is much better than being surrounded in the dark.

Healing is a slow process. A journey I first started in my early twenties. You take one giant step forward and another giant leap backwards. You fall… You stumble… You get cut… and you cry… but I always get back up. The one thing all the bad things has taught me is how to survive.

Losing my Mother was my biggest and ultimate fear. I thought I would die… but I didn’t… Sure there were days it felt like I was dying but that only meant I was healing… I am alive and stronger than ever. Just like a giant redwood my roots are buried deep within the warm earth and my branches reach up into the heavens. Sure my bark is battered and scared, and some wounds are still raw but deep inside my spirit is on fire… ready to flow…

Ready to touch the world in many deep and wonderful ways. So I am going to push through the fear and the discomfort. I need to learn to tolerate the uncomfortable. Push myself to grow and go down roads early I might have avoided.

This is my time to shine. My turn to make my mark and show the world all I have got. Create the family I have always wanted and yearned for. It starts with just one seed at a time and before I know it I will have a garden full of bountiful fruit.

In the end, we are never alone even when we walk by ourselves. Each time we give our love to someone else we leave an imprint on their heart and they do on ours. The stronger the impact the bigger the imprint. So when we must walk a path alone, they are always with us. It would be nice to be able to have someone by yourself all the time but in reality that is never possible. There are some journeys that you must walk alone.

To live a life in codependency only stunts your growth. When you attach yourself to others you never really have the opportunity to mature. You become very much like a leech sucking all the energy out of everyone you touch and in return your life force is also extinguished.

Something just dawned on me… I am a survivor but that doesn’t mean I have lot live my life in survival mode. It has taken me over twenty years to realize that I am no longer in danger. I am free… to live my life as I please. I no longer have to live in fear or desperation. I don’t need to hold onto dear life to anything or anyone I can grab a hold of.

Now it is time to build the world around me that I want and just live… and grow…

Fighting with my alters…

So my new favorite show lately is The United States of Tara… I am not sure that it’s a great idea with me being in transition, very much like Tara, as the show is very triggering at times. The show has got me thinking about my various different personas I have in me. We all have different personalities, some just have a few more than others.

We have the persona of who we want others to see us as and that changes with different people we encounter. We all have roles to play like Mother, Friend, Brother and so on…

Some of us create persona’s that we aren’t too fond of and others just happen to grow into a certain personality.

When I first started to come out of my shell and let go of the personality traits that weren’t really me, I used my drag persona (Puddin Pie) to embrace who I truly was inside. At the time I didn’t feel safe, comfortable or secure embracing them as Derek. So I used Puddin as a way to test drive who I wanted to be or who I really was. It didn’t go as flawlessly as planed because not everyone was as accepting as I wanted or thought they would be. I hadn’t worked on the parts of me that could handle rejection. So I went running with my heels, panty hose and makeup back into the closet.

That was the key and the reason I went into seclusion in the first place. It was never that I doubted who I was or my abilities, I just didn’t think anyone wanted them or they were too scared by my gifts. So if they didn’t want the good parts of me, I would create others.

So I put my light back into the box and it wasn’t until recently that I let my light back out…

In a way I really relate to Tara (who also was molested by a family member) and how her alters fight with her. The closer you get to the light, the more the darkness tries to suck you back in. It is pure fear at the core. I really feel that negative energy trying to stop me.

The last few months my depression has been in check for the most part. Even with the news of my mother having Cancer I still moved forward but the last couple days I feel something in me that I don’t like. It is almost like a persona is trying to take me over. Now I am not saying DID (Dissociative identity disorderbut I certainly have aspects of it including the dissociative part. I can remember dissociating while I was being molested, I went high above the clouds of that bedroom. When I can’t handle something I can feel myself checking out.

Now that I think of that, that might be what I have been feeling the last few days. I know that the thought of me living my dreams scares me senseless and I am not quite sure why. Possibly because I am starting to embrace my gifts and abilities. I am taking a painting class this summer and it is the first time I have painted like this since 1995. I created this blog which I have been able to connect and share my story with others. I guess I have a lot of change going on. Plus with everything going on with my Mom and the uncertainties of the future, it all can be a little overwhelming.

I feel disconnected. I haven’t felt like this in a while. It is frightening because I am afraid of going back to my old ways. A little over a year ago I was in a dark depression and feeling this way reminds me of that time. I probably was the closest I have ever been to suicide and that scares the crap out of me. I never really wanted to die, I just wanted the pain to end but when you are that low the two blend together. Your pain overpowers your fear of dying. I don’t want to ever go back to that place.

I guess it scares me because I have started to connect with my spirituality. I have felt these wonderful feelings and I don’t want them to go away. I know that I am taking the steps to overcome these feelings. I am not wallering in them. I am airing them out and freeing them. It is when I keep these thoughts and feelings in my head, that I get in trouble.

I also feel very vulnerable. When you are vulnerable you have a greater chance of getting hurt and I am still building my coping skills. I am still letting negative energy get stuck in my connectors. It is like a virus a computer gets. I am working on installing an anti-virus program but that takes time. That is why it is important to be mindful of my surroundings. I am very cautious about being left open because in the past that is when I have gotten hurt but I have to remember that I am at a different place today. It is so easy to flash back to that time when my purity was first robbed. I have to remind myself that I am no longer that child.

My light side is really quiet right now and that bothers me because I need it to fight the darkness. I have felt that the darkness has held my light at bay for many years. I have felt trapped by the abuse. My light side and the boy I was when I was molested are connected. I still can picture that boy in the corner, alone and scared… I no longer have to stay trapped there. I am adult now and have the power to overcome it all.

I guess that might be why getting disconnected is so triggering, as it reminds me of the time when I couldn’t tell anyone about the sexual abuse. When I isolate and hide in the present day, I am mimicking that time in my life where I had this secret that I didn’t think anyone would believe. For close to eight years as a child I held this dark secret in. I was so alone in my despair. Even though it has been seventeen years since I let the secret out, I still have many of those hurtful feelings.

I internalized that darkness and it became me but that isn’t who I am!!! I need to remind myself that I have the power to say NO!!! It is such a little word with such a powerful message. As a  abuse victim is very easy to lose your voice. You want to scream and shout NO but only air escapes.

I still get trapped in this victim role. Not only am I a survivor but a WARRIOR!!! We all are!!! My heart is my shield and my light the sword. I have to break free from both the victim and monster roles because they were both passed down my abusers. I must tell them NO!!! I won’t allow you to take over my body any longer.

It is a process and it will take time. One day I will be able to look back and see how far I have came. I am the strongest I have ever been and that will only grow. I am building a new foundation, putting up a new security fence and learning to embrace the gifts inside of me. In the near future, the darkness will not have any power and it will no longer be able to penetrate my walls.