An Okay Day

After the past week, the okay day I’m in has been a nice relief. My depression isn’t as severe and I’m starting to return to my body, I dissociated yesterday. When I woke up in the afternoon I felt really comfortable. I should have stayed awake but I took advantage of the comfort and laid back down. That was a mistake because I woke up feeling like a cement truck hit me. Even still it’s a pretty okay day for me and I’m happy for that.

The last week has a roller coaster ride of emotions due to medicine changes. I would be stable for a few days and crash for a few more. I had an incident with someone the other day and it sent me spiraling into trigger mode. I didn’t realize it but when that happened I started to dissociate, which is normal for me with PTSD. I didn’t realize how far I had gone until a social gathering last night. The more I listened to others the more I started to float away, as I started to think about my pain. I wanted to leave right away but was stuck because I rode with someone. So I started to use my coping mechanism and started to tear apart a paper plate.

It wasn’t really anything that anyone was saying, it was just I couldn’t handle any connection. Especially positive ones. By the end, I was close to be asking to go to the emergency room but I kept it together. Today there was an inspection of all the apartments at my complex, so I had to clean a super dirty kitchen. Which just added to my anxiety. When I get really depressed my eating habits change, so do my chores. I have been trying to cook more, as it’s more fulfilling than frozen food but that usually means more of a mess. So I would cook a meal and leave everything behind. It was either that or starving.

So my kitchen was a fright and smelled like a beast. I somehow found the energy to slowly clean my kitchen. I took my time and turned my air conditioning on high. By the time I was done at 6am I was exhausted. My kitchen is the cleanest it’s been since I moved in last July. So having a clean apartment definitely has contributed to this decent day.

So I’m going to enjoy this okay day the best I can. I made a really good bacon cheese burger for lunch and it was delicious. Now I’m making pizza rolls and watching a British comedy. I have learned to treasure the okay days, along with the good ones. So that’s what I’m going to do.



  1. It’s extremely hard to function when you are dissociating or reacting to medication changes. I know, I really do, because I’ve experienced so much of the same (especially reactions to medication, over the past couple of years). There are days when getting anything done is a miracle. So if you took a kitchen from super dirty to the cleanest it’s been since move-in, you are doing amazing. Be sure to give yourself a huge pat on the back for something like that!

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