Father Figure

My relationship with my father has been estranged for as long as I can remember. For many years I didn’t want anything to do with him because he was just too toxic. I couldn’t handle the risk of rejection so I set a healthy boundary, more like a impenetrable wall. Not only has he caused a lot of harm to me but my sister and Mom as well. The last ten years of my Mom’s life was extremely difficult because of him. He left her with no money or a place to live. My Mom also lost her insurance.

If she hadn’t had her insurance taken away the Doctors might had found the Cancer sooner. Instead she couldn’t afford to go to the doctor. It’s impossible to look at him and not feel all of that which make me angry. I didn’t realize until recently how much anger I had hidden. I mean I knew I didn’t care for him but I didn’t know how the damaging that hatred was for my soul. I held onto the anger because it was easier than dealing with the hurt. The only way I knew how to cope with the loss was to fuel it into anger.

While I’m not as angry as I was before it’s still difficult at times to see him and not see the hurt. I recently ran into him during a family function and it felt so awkward and strange. It didn’t look like he was going to attend my Uncle’s birthday party and I was okay with that but at the last minute he showed up with his new wife. I refuse to call her stepmom. She’s more like the evil stepmother in Cinderella with her two wicked daughters. Yeah, I still have some anger in there… lol

When my Mom died three years ago it felt like I was an orphan. It’s a horrible feeling to feel that way with a parent still alive. It wasn’t until recently that I had started to think about having him in my life again but how do you trust someone who has caused you a lot of pain???

I’m still not at a point in my life where I can deal with the rejection. I know that if we had a relationship again it would be on his terms. It would be different if he had made an effort to be in my life and he hasn’t. At this family function I heard him talking about his new family and it still stung.

Five years ago he apologized for his approach to religion. These were the words I had wanted to hear for a very long time and when I finally heard them they didn’t mean a thing to me. They were just words. It didn’t make me feel any better. To give you an idea of how he approached anyone who he felt needed saving it would usually be all fire and brimstone. He told me so many times that I was going to hell that I believed him. I would have end of the world nightmares of Jesus calling people’s names of who was going to heaven and my name was never called. There was a time that the thought of God or even Jesus would set me into a panic. So I dealt with the only way I knew how and it was stop believing in anything.

The father I want and need just doesn’t exist. That hurts deeply. I feel robbed. I see fathers with their children and I think to myself why couldn’t I have had that. For too long I took it personal, a reflection of who I was. If my father didn’t love me (or didn’t know how) it must mean that I’m unloveable. I grew up believing that. My relationship with God has been very much the same way. I didn’t feel I was worthy of his/her love. I need to learn to separate the two but that’s difficult.

I’ve had over thirty years of believing that I was unloveable to the point where it’s been hard wired into my consciousness. I’ve come a long way from where I once was. I still struggle with my self worth but I now know that I deserve better. It’s difficult when the people who are suppose to love, protect and support you don’t. It’s very easy to take it personal. That’s my greatest flaw. I take everything personal and it’s something I’m working on.

I just have to learn to separate my feelings from these relationships and realize that it’s all on them… not me. It hurts and it sucks royally but it’s something I’ve had to accept. Some people just don’t have the capacity to give you what you need or deserve. I’m sure in some way my father loves me. I’m almost forty years old and I still feel like I’m that little boy who wants his dad to do the things fathers usually do.

In the end, he’s missed out on a lot of wonderful moments and a great person. He’s the one missing out. I’m done waiting. I’m done trying to make someone love me. It’s just not possible. If I’m to have a relationship with him it will always be conditional and it’s something I just have to accept. It’s sad to say but I’m at the point in my life where I will take whatever I can get.

I will never have the relationship with him that I need and that’s not my fault at all. I also can’t forget all he’s done. I can and will let go of all the anger because it doesn’t do me any good. It just poisons me.



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