Feeling Lost

I thought my art show in NYC in August was going to forever change my life… it was my big break. Four months have passed and I’m back where I started. I’m extremely grateful for the opportunity but it’s left me feeling lost and wondering what I do next.

I want to make a difference and since my Mom died in 2012 I’ve been trapped in a prison cell of my own doing. I have had many times in my life that I’ve felt broken, beat down and hopeless but this was the first time I was unsure I could be put back together. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to be put together.

Outside was a frightening world. A place where I was alone. My Mom was no longer there to comfort me. So I went inward like a scared rabbit. Down the rabbit hole I went into a very dark place. You can only put yourself back together so many times. Each time becomes more difficult than the last to a point where you have no energy to get back up.

The day my Mom died was the day I died. She took a part of me with her. A world without my Mom was just unbearable. I just couldn’t fathom going on without her. When she died I had no one. I was alone in that hospital room. I had no one to turn to. The one person who had always been there for me lay there silent. I’ve been trapped in those moments for a very long time.

Thankfully I’ve gotten through that darkness. I’ve worked very hard to walk away from it all but it’s left me with a lot of emptiness. I want my life to mean something. I don’t want it all to be in vain.

While the grief is no longer prominent in my life I still struggle to move forward. I’m at the point of the grieving process where I just can’t feel those things anymore. They’re just too painful.

My depression is still an unwanted friend. It’s a constant battle with yourself. I’m scared as hell to go back into the world because of what is possible both good and bad. I’ve let the nay sayers have control for too long. I have tolerated less. I have suffered deeply. I’ve believed everything they said. Still to this day their words are loud and clear.

I know I deserve better. I’m just not sure how to make it happen. There is a quote from The Walking Dead that I really related to. “Dolor hic tibi proderit olim.” Which translates to, “This pain will be useful to you.”

So how can I use my pain to suit me and the world around me. I can’t say I’m broken but I’m not put together either. I’d like to use my experiences and help others. I know so many people need to hear my message but how do I make my voice heard.

I’ve lost my voice and only still it’s back to a murmur. I’m half the person I once was. I’m different. I’ve lived in misery for too long to suffer anymore but here I remain. If only there was a do over button but that’s not how life works.

I’m at the point in my life where I don’t even know what I want to do. I’ve had all these great ideas but the days stack up like clouds in the sky. They just float away. There is something I can’t let go of. I can’t put my fingers on it but I know it’s deep within.

I’ve recently realized how angry I was and how deeply rooted it was in my misery. I’ve felt many things in my life but anger has always frightened me. Still to this day I absolutely hate it when someone is mad at me. I constantly live in fear that someone is mad at me, especially those I love the most.

I want to yell to expel it. I open my mouth and only air escapes. I’ve blamed myself for all the bad things in my life from the abuse to my father. These things had to happen because I was unloveable. When you’re a child (even an adult) you wonder why me??? What did I do to deserve this? You don’t have the experience to realize it had nothing to with you.

I was groomed to fear. God was a scary figure in my life and I grew up believing he was punishing me. Still to this day I hold onto many of those feelings. My pain has consumed me and I just can’t allow that anymore. I’m tired of feeling that God’s punishing me.

I tolerated bad situations because I didn’t think I deserved anything better. I know now that’s not the case. I just want to be free. I don’t want to suffer anymore. I want to wake up and feel excited again. I don’t want to be alone. I wish I could just break free and not look back.

Sometime hope is all we have to hold onto. So I will hold on for dear life…