I Wonder

The grief has subsided. I can get through the day without feeling like I’m going to die but I still find that the grief sneaks up on me like a ghost in the night. I go from feeling nothing to feeling this intense, deep sorrow and loss. Then the shock sinks in and I begin to go through the emotions of it all.

Wishing, wanting for things to be different and then feeling sorrow that I can’t change what happened, nor can I bring her back. It still feels like a dream, so unreal. I can’t believe she died. It’s been over a year and I still can’t get over the shock of it all. That she went into the hospital for surgery and never made it out.

I’ve coped the best I can… well not really well but I’m still here. I guess it’s kind of like losing a limb in a way. You still feel that missing part is still there but you know it’s not.

I honestly thought I was going to die and I still have moments where I feel that way but it’s not as consistently as it use to be.

I feel alone, so very alone and I’m learning to live in this world without my Mom. It frightens me to think about moving out of my sisters house, knowing that I will be on my own but I can’t keep hiding like I have been. It only brings me misery and despair.

I’ve always been very codependent. Very early on I learned to depend on my Mom for comfort and safety. She was my refuge from a world that caused me pain and now she’s not here to shield me from it all and that scares the hell out of me.

I’m tired of being codependent, tired of feeling like I’m going to die. Losing my Mom has forced me to deal with these demons and I will face them head on! I don’t have any other choice.


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