So I recently realized during my last therapy session that I have always felt trapped in the abuse, as in I don’t deserve anything good in my life. This realization has allowed me to look back at my life and see the choices I have made and why I have allowed my life to go for less than deserved.
During that week when I was sexually molested I learned very quickly who I was and my purpose. The years afterward only helped bury those beliefs even further in my grave.
I have always known that I have a low self esteem. I have also been aware the havoc the sexual abuse has had on my life but I never was able to put everything together.
The worthlessness arrose those nights when I was scared for my life, hiding underneath the pillow… praying for the awfulness to stop. When it didn’t I was groomed into believing I deserved it. I also grew up believing I didn’t deserve anything whole, pure or right. My body was something that anyone could take, even a family member.
It was about that time that I started to gain weight. My outside could finally match the way I felt inside and that was ugly, dirty and used. For many years these horrible feelings were buried deep inside of me but I don’t have that luxury now. I wish there was an easy fix to cure a self esteem. I dislike feeling worthless like I do.
When my therapist tried to tell me that I deserved good things, I started to float away and became all glassy eyed. I didn’t believe her. My mind does but my heart doesn’t. This is only confirmed by the various heart aches I have had in life.
Good things are taken from me and I am left with the bad. Inside I believe if I was a good boy I wouldn’t have been abused.
Now I am trying to get my life back, when I still hold onto many of those bad feelings. I think that is why I have such a severe need to hide. I still think I am that worthless, helpless, little boy. I don’t deserve love or happiness.
It’s been brainwashed into my psyche that I have to have someone else to be happy and that has only lead me to heartbreak and major disappointment.
I told my therapist I feel trapped… stuck… and I can’t get out. I have conditioned myself to believe I deserve to be miserable… deserve to be treated less.
I am thirty seven years old but I still feel like I am in that old cabin in the woods up north all those years ago, when it first started. I can still smell the damp old wooden walls. I close my eyes and I am in that bedroom again. I open my eyes and I am still there. No amount of soap will wash away the filth.
I want to feel safe again but that seems like a million miles away.
I want to be whole again. I want to be happy. I’m tired of feeling less and tired of feeling trapped. I just want to run… until I can’t run anymore.