Feeling Sad Tonight

So the grief over my Mama dying catches me out the blue still. I will be doing fine and then it hits me like a ton of bricks. My brain is still trying to grasp that she is dead. I still don’t like using the word die, as that seems so final but I am also trying to not use gone either because I am trying to shift my thinking to this idea that she is still with me. 

I still struggle with the spiritual aspect of death, not knowing what happens next. I still have a lot of cobwebs stuck in my filters from the spiritual abuse from my father, so it has left many things very foggy. 

You can avoid facing your grief but physically you don’t have a choice to face the loss. You can justify weeks of not seeing the person but after about a month your mind starts to adjust and accept the things your heart won’t. I still catch myself wanting to call her or wishing she would come over. The grief gets very difficult when I think about my nieces and nephew, and how they must feel. 

The heart wants for things that are not available, like having her here still. My mind knows the difference. My feelings can really convince me of some weird things, like in the future could she come back if they come up with cloning, etc. Kind of like the episode in The Golden Girls where Rose talks about freezing her head. Even if was possible it wouldn’t be the same, nor would I want that.

I miss her voice, I miss her laugh. I wish I could remember how she sounded. 

At times the grief feels like torture, too much to bear. Then at times it is at a dull roar. I was watching a movie yesterday and this little girl was upset because she couldn’t remember how her mother sounded either. She was devastated by this, as I am. Her father said that was the mind’s way of protecting her, so that her heart wouldn’t keep breaking. I really thought at that and it made a lot of sense to me. A natural disconnect has to happen in order for the mind, body and soul to heal. So maybe my mind is trying to protect me. 

I also must remind myself when my feelings are really raw and feel unbearable, that they won’t kill me and they will soon pass. I also must remind myself that she is no longer in pain. Image

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