Holding Onto A Grudge

So this is something that I have really been thinking about lately, how to let go of my hurt feelings. I am not proud to admit that I hold onto grudges, for long periods of time. This is really true if I have been deeply hurt. I find myself holding onto to the anger for years later and I know that isn’t healthy.

I think the main reason I don’t let go of my hurt is the personalization of the act or betrayal. It is this idea if the person cared for me they wouldn’t have hurt me and since they did that must mean they don’t… Then it snowballs into well why don’t they love me? Then I conclude it has to do with who I am or what I am lacking. Many times my mind will tell me that isn’t true but my feelings always block those ideas, and I end up forming a grudge.

grudge  /grəj/

Noun
A persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from a past insult or injury.

Sometimes it is very difficult to be the bigger person. I wish life was fair but the sad truth it isn’t. I must remind myself that everyone brings their own issues and baggage to the table and that not every interaction with me is personal. For me it is the collectiveness of hurts. I have allowed myself to have unhealthy relationships for so long that they all just cracked away at my self worth layer. Years later I am left trying to rearrange my self esteem.

Forgiveness for me is a tough pill to swallow because in a way I feel to forgive doesn’t validate my feelings and takes away the accountability of the action/hurt. The act of forgiveness really isn’t for the guilty party but for the person forgiving. I haven’t forgave the various people who have hurt me because I think in a way I felt like I deserved the hurt or wasn’t worthy of anything but that.

I think I also hold onto the bitterness because in a way I hope that person will come around and when they don’t it just piles more trash onto the pile of anger, bitterness and contempt. I am a people pleaser and when I can’t I crumble into a million pieces. I have to face the facts that not everyone will like me, most of the time it has nothing to do with who I am.

I don’t just need to let go of the hurt but the anger as well. I struggle with moving on from my past. I tend to linger there and set up shop, and that only does more damage.

How do you handle forgiveness?

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