My Next Step

So I feel rather stuck… lost actually. I have found myself in another depressive cycle. When I get in this mode I feel like I am stuck in this gigantic bubble and can’t get out. It affects everything, including my body… physically I feel sluggish and sore. It is like I open this door in my brain for all the bad thoughts and feelings to come in. I turn off my filter and allow my brain to swell with negativity.

I am extremely unhappy and unsure if anything will ever change. In my head I wonder how could life get any better without my Mom in it??? Seriously!!!

I see people who are struggling with Cancer have so much will, fight and determination. I then look at myself and I am barely living. I feel selfish and wish it were just as simple as being happy, moving on… I feel so crippled by my grief, fears and depression.

I need to look into why I am so afraid of moving on… getting a job,  my own place, etc… I think it partially has to do with the fear of losing my family. I constantly find myself wanting to be around them… I sleep downstairs and at times I don’t even like going down there. The thought of living on my own, feels so lonely and frightening!!!

I am constantly living in a state of panic, which isn’t a fun place to be in, wondering when the ground will fall again. I guess I am still in shock as it is still tough for me to admit that my Mom passed away. I don’t like using the “d” word… I am not sure if it is the grief or my ptsd. I wish more people understood what I was going through, especially the ptsd.

They look at me, and my posts, like I am crazy… or that I should just move on. They say things to you like, what is with you lately??? and all I want to do is scream!!!

Honestly, it feels like my Mom died yesterday. I go through this on a daily basis, feeling like the sky is falling. Isolating myself I am miserable but the outside world is filled full of hurt and pain as well. So I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. I lost my protector and now it feels like I am alone. I know that many of my issues stem from my codependency.

I know I am not perfect. I am flawed. I feel like a burden to my family. I feel horrible that I haven’t been able to contribute to the household like I should. My mind tells me things like I am a loser, irresponsible, etc. It is hard to not listen to those voices when they are piercing loud!

It is almost like I have let these monsters into my brain, left the gate wide open… and now they have taken over control of me. The longer they have control, the harder it is to get them out of my garden. They cloud and darken my world with fear, anger and desperation. While they ravage my garden, they keep me caged up in their dungeon. That is what it feels like. Every time I have to fight with all my might to escape. Honestly I am tired of repeating this cycle over and over.

Inside I feel like I am dying… and there are times I want the pain to end so bad, and feel like it won’t, that I start thinking about a way out. I hate getting this way, as I really don’t want to die. I also am aware enough to know I am being clouded my grief and depression.

Strong enough to be aware, but not enough to break free…

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2 thoughts on “My Next Step

  1. How long is it since your Mum passed? I totally get how you’re feeling, as this is something I’m dreading…my Mum is 71, still in good health and very active, but we are so close and always have been. I live next door to her. She’s my best friend, and about the only person who understands me. At the moment I’m going through a good phase regarding my M.E. and depression, but I know exactly what it’s like to be in the pit of despair, feeling like things will never get any better. How I would deal with that without my Mum, my lifeline, I really don’t know. If this ‘good phase’ of recovery is held by a thin thread, or if it would be strong enough to withstand her loss.. I have no idea, and do worry about it. The only thing I can say is that I’m hoping that I’ll be able to hold onto the fact that she wouldn’t want me to go under again, that after initial grief that will keep me going. Along with my two grown-up daughters, who still live with me, and are also like best friends.
    I could say that grief affects everyone in different ways, and there is no measure of when you ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ move on, and try not to listen when people aren’t understanding. Do what’s best for you, even if that means going for some kind of ‘help’, if you think it’s necessary. Just to talk to someone on the outside, if you know what I mean.
    Take care x

    • Hi there. Sorry it has taken me so long to respond… It has been a rough couple of months. It has been since September of last year since she passed but at times it feels like it just happened. If any advice I could give you, is start to mentally prepare for that day… as much as you can… I am thankful that a few years ago the thought starting to pop into my head and I forced myself to think about the idea… as much as I didn’t want to. I now believe something was preparing me for that day… because if I hadn’t I wouldn’t probably be here. There was a time I was extremely close to my Mom, very codependent. For many different reasons I pulled away some, though we still were very close. Thank you for the kind words and support. I really do appreciate it. I have my first appointment with a new therapist next week. I also am on a new medicine too. It is all a process… Thanks again. Huggs

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