Too afraid of dying, too afraid of living…

I feel like giving up but I am not going to… Lately I seem to be having more trouble with everything in my life from my dieting to the grief over the loss of my Mama. About a month ago I was triggered by something and it has set me into this downward spiral.

Suicidal thoughts isn’t something new for me. I don’t like that I get them. I wish I could just make them go away. This might sound cray cray but honestly these thoughts give me comfort.

Now if you know me and this alarms you, I am sorry…

I thought my grief was getting better but it seems to be worse. I miss my Mom so very much. So much that it feels like I am going to die. I constantly feel like I am going to suffocate or drown…

Lately how I feel is that I don’t really want to be here. I don’t know how I am going to get through life without my Mom.

I know what death, especially suicide, does to your loved ones… so I would never do anything drastic… but I think about it…

I feel like I am in limbo, in between the living and the dead.

I know I am in a PTSD cycle but I don’t know how to get out of it. I feel imprisoned by the pain, suffering and grief of it all. I just keep swimming, though I do more thrashing than paddling.

I am desperately trying to stay afloat, and I am getting tired…

I despise depression and ptsd. I wish I could just move on… get better… I feel so trapped. Inside I am dying and this is the only place I can tell anyone… It is a horrible feeling to be around people and hold that secret… reminds me of all the years I had to hide that I was gay and molested…

Maybe that is why this whole experience is triggering…

I am hesitant to talk about this for many reasons… one it is personal and deep… two I worry it will freak people out, mostly my family… three typing it out makes it real…

I am posting it because I need to release all of this pain, grief, suffering, etc… I also know sharing my pain in a public manner might help other people who are in my same situation…

I honestly don’t know how I will ever get through this… it is all too much…

During my mom’s battle with cancer, we talked about the storm… and this idea that you just sometimes have to hold on… that eventually the storm will pass… and I believed that… I just never thought my Mom would die…

It has been seven months since her passing and that storm is still raging on… my boat keeps getting full. It feels like I am still at her hospital bed, waiting for her to get better… waiting for her to wake up… well that day will never come…

and I keep waiting…

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2 thoughts on “Too afraid of dying, too afraid of living…

  1. Have you tried nutrition? I have helped many get through (including myself), cancer, grief, PTSD with intensive nutrition.(even cancer pts sent home on hospice) You are not alone. We are all out here with you.

  2. I lost my Mom over a year ago. I still feel terribly lost without her. I feel like young girl that has been left alone, like an orphan. Even though she was fighting for her health due to a variety of age related issues…. I never really believed that I would loose her forever. I thought I’d bring her home from the hospital and everything would be wonderful. I loved caring for her and she was my best friend, my helper, my confident. I always felt like no matter what happened in life I would be ok because I had her to love me. She took care of me as much as I took care of her. She gave me “validation”. Like my life was very important because I was taking care of her. I still miss her and grieve every single day, I don’t think this will ever end. When no one is home I “wail” I cry out loud and let out my grief. Then I try to pick up, t let that moment go, and go on with my day. I don’t know if that sounds strange but that’s how I cope. I try not to cry in front of my family as I know they miss her daily too. I have little children that miss their Grandma all the time. She was like their Mother also. We’ve always been together. There is a Hole in our house, in our lives. But, We are trying to Enjoy the Day. I understand your grief. Hold on. Try to live within the day :).

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