People that mean the world to you… are taken from under your grasp. Totally out of your control. Shaking you to your core. It has been seven months and it seems like my Mama died yesterday. I constantly feel like the earth is going to drop right from under me.
I live in a state of panic, fearing that someone else close to me will be taken away. I am so afraid of losing anyone else that I stay locked up in solitude, afraid that any moment something could happen. When your Mother dies anything is possible.
It feels like the grief is getting worse. The thought of venturing out into the workplace is crippling. I am holding onto my family for dear life, afraid to let go.
As you get older you begin to realize that people grow older and die. It is inevitable. When the people you grow up around start to pass away it plants the idea in your mind that there will come a time when you will lose your own Mom. As much as you try to fight those thoughts they still exist.
I thought I would have more time. I couldn’t imagine God taking my Mother before her shot of happiness. All her life she lived it for other people.
I am struggling with living, moving on. I live in pain. suffering. There are times recently where I am not sure I can take the suffering any more. To someone who has never suffered from depression they might not understand what it is like to feel trapped, held down by something strong.
Lately I have felt very heavy. I have struggled to keep my diet on track. Struggled to fight away all those negative thoughts. Thoughts like your ugly, worthless… being gay is wrong… Everything you can imagine, I have thought it.
There are days that I feel completely out of my body, floating high up above the clouds. So far away from everything.
Life is tough. It doesn’t seem right or fair.
I constantly live my life in repeat. I am tired of riding this broken record. Tired of the same old images that stab my brain.
Death is frightening. So is the not knowing.
When I get in depressive cycle it feels like I am chained down to the ground by unbreakable steel. I wish I could just snap out of it. It certainly would make my life much easier.
I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.
All I can do for now is wait… for the storm to pass because I am drowning…