My Worst Nightmare Came True!!!

So it has been a while since I have wrote in my blog. I haven’t really been in a writing mood lately. I had to force myself to write this post, as it is something I felt I needed to do. Tonight I am feeling very sad over the death of my Mom.

Deep sorrow. The kind that you can feel through out ever fiber of your being. I still find myself in shock that she really died. I still have it in my head there is a chance she will come home. I mean it has been six months and it still doesn’t seem real. It feels like she went on an extended vacation.

My nieces and nephew have been talking about her more lately. Asking questions that I struggle to answer, like why did “Bih” (that is what they called her) die? why couldn’t she get better? I mean these are all questions that I still want to know!!!

It is so very painful to hear these sweet children talk about her, as it breaks my heart to know the pain they go through… Knowing the years they missed out on this beautiful wonderful woman! That is the real tragedy.

I want her to come home. I need her but I am not going to get what I want…

I am trying to adjust to this new life without her. Trying to cope with living life with a gigantic hole in the middle of my chest hasn’t been easy. I am doing the best I can. That is all I can say.

At the moment I am feeling very angry. I even posted on Facebook that this fucking sucks… and it does!!!

I think back to the month Mama was in the hospital and I think what was all of that for? My sister and I believed all the way til the end in our Mother, even when many doubted her… including her own family. We never gave up on her…

and to have her die anyway, felt like a kick in the gut. I wanted Mama to show them all her strength and will to fight. I needed her to prove them wrong. I’ve felt all my life I have had to do that, prove people wrong and it always sucks when you can’t!!!

Someone posted the other day a picture that said something about God knowing all the wrongs and bad deeds others have done to you, and that one day he would pay you back… and I really struggled with that one… I really doubted that message…

It feels like God took away one of the few good things in my life and that doesn’t seem fair. Life was frightening with Mama in it, imagine how I feel now that she’s gone…

I can’t shake these beliefs that my suffering is a punishment from God. My brain knows that is false but my heart doubts it. These are my inner demons that I am dealing with…

I miss her so very much. I have been struggling lately because I can’t remember the sound of her voice… I so desperately need to her voice again, her laugh…

On September 9th my worst nightmare came true and it am still living in it… I so desperately want to wake up…

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