So I have been working really hard with becoming more healthy not just with my food choices but in all areas of my life. As I stop turning to unhealthy methods to cope with my feelings the more the feelings hit me. I have ran and hid from my feelings most of my life. Escape was a quick and easy way to cope with pain. I first learned it when I was sexually abused at the age of ten.
I am no longer trying to soothe my pain with food, sex or anything else. I am feeling my emotions as they hit me. It isn’t easy. It is raw and painful. Trust me I want to drown out my sorrow and pain with junk food but I know that will only cause me more heartache down the road. I just can’t do it anymore.
I deserve more that that. The only way I will truly heal is if I go through the emotions, feelings and pain of it all. Covering up all the bad feelings doesn’t make them go away it only adds to your pile of turmoil and trouble, making it even more painful on you in the long run.
Tonight I’ve had to deal with the fact that my Mother died over five months ago. I have been hiding from that fact but it always catches up to me. There is a lot you can hide from, a lot that you can avoid but missing someone isn’t one of them. Time is not on your side when it comes to that.
Tonight I feel deep sorrow. The kind that makes you ache with every fiber of your being. I have to face the fact that I will never get to see my Mom again in this lifetime. It doesn’t mean that she isn’t with me, it just means it will be different.
No amount of heart ache I have felt over the various breakups I have had in my lifetime comes even close to the amount of pain, grief and sadness I have felt (and feel) from the death of my Mama. Actually no other hurt for that matter.
I also feel anger. I am angry at God for taking her. I am angry that he didn’t heal her body! I am angry. Down right angry!!! I am angry at the hospital. I am angry at my father for treating my Mama so poorly for so many years. I want answers, that I know I will never get. I am pissed off that not everyone embraces the light and feels the need to tear others down. I want justice, that I know I will never see in my lifetime… I want people to pay for the bad deeds they do to others.
I am angry at myself for putting up with less for so many years. But those days are over! Fucking over! Life is a choice, too many people find it easier to turn their backs than to do the right thing. Well fuck that. I am going to use this to fuel my flame to make sure that justice is served, that those who are abused… belittled… put down… are able to see the light of day.
My Mama was strong. People tried to knock her down all her life and she kept on fighting. Me and my sister are just like our Mama. No matter how many times we get knocked down, we always get back up. It might not always be pretty but we do…
So I am going to battle through all these horrible gut wrenching feelings. When you are going through hell, they say to keep on going… and that is what I am going to do… But the fact of the matter I am no longer in that hell… Now it is just time for me to heal.
My strength is my shield and my love is my sword. There is not any amount of war, weapons or opponents that will defeat me for I am not alone in this fight. I have my Mama, sister and so many others on my side…