My head feels so muddled.

So I have had a rather tough week emotionally. While I have made strides with my healthy physically, emotionally I have struggled.

Inside it feels like I am dying… Well maybe that is a bit extreme but still I feel rather down. It has been a week since I have been out of the house. I know that is part of the reason I am feeling the way I am…

I also am noticing myself pulling away from those close to me. I guess the word that describes the state I am in is disconnected.

Recently I have met someone who has brought up a lot of feelings in me. He is a wonderful sweet man. I care for him very deeply. We are taking it very slow and are just friends. I am not sure if I have ever had another man value me like he does, at least someone that there is a mutual attraction with. Keeping our relationship at a strictly platonic level has allowed me to get to know him much deeper that anyone previously.

Getting to know him has also brought up feelings of love and what that means to me. After Mama died I put my heart in this box and put it high up on the shelf. I pulled away from everyone, especially my family. Even being around my nieces and nephew hasn’t felt the same as before. I think  I have done this as a way to cope with the loss. I have had to pull away in order to survive. The closer I am to people the more I have to lose if something happens.

The fact of the matter the people you love die. There are no guarantees. That frightens me senseless.

I have had a horrible track record with loving other men and I am not just talking romantic love. I never felt like another man has been able to love me back in the way I need them to. Started off with my Father, then my abuser… and then the few men I have been in love with during my adult years.

This week I have had these feelings that I am not worthy of love again… from a man. I also have had these copendendant feelings surface, like that I can’t survive without another man’s love… and I will be honest I don’t like that at all!!!

This week I had the realization that I look to others to feel better. I wan’t to change that. This is where I set myself up to fall every time. I am tired of getting my feelings from other people.

I wish I could build this invisible shield around me, so that no one would be able to affect me. I could just go out in the world and not worry about being dragged down. I guess I am working on that shield, it just takes time. I am building the wall back up on my secret garden but I still am allowing bad things come through. It is like I am being attacked by pirates with these huge cannons. Each time I am hit by a cannon ball it takes me some time to get back up…

I wish healing was easier. I wish there was a switch. I am so thankful that I have therapy tomorrow.

I guess I don’t want life to swallow me whole again… granted I allow it… I want to keep my own identity, my ground. In the past when love didn’t work out the way I hoped, I took it personal that I wasn’t worthy of that person’s love… I have to learn to separate my heart from their ability to love. If a person can’t give me what I need, it isn’t a reflection of who I am… more of a reflection of who they are… When you are a child you don’t realize that difference and it becomes apart of your character.

Basically I am having to learn how to love myself. Taking out the parts that are not true. Rewiring my brain to think differently, my heart to feel differently. Learning to look inward for what I need. Pulling back on the reigns and allowing things to happen naturally. That is one thing that my new friendship has taught me. Relationships are like flowers. If you suffocate them with rain or sunshine they will surely wither but if you allow them to grow naturally, giving them rain and light when they need it, then they will blossom into something beautiful.

I guess I am learning to do that as well. Just takes time… patience… and a lot of practice.


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