If Sex Sells, what are we really selling?

This is a topic I really struggle with in the gay community. I try to not be prudish but I wonder if I am the only gay man that feels this way? Am I the only single guy online who isn’t just looking for a one night stand or a fuck buddy? Excuse my french… I surely hope I am not the only one.

The invention of the iPhone and android phones only cemented into place the virtual meat market. Thankfully on these devices no naked pictures are allowed, which I certainly am pleased about… Though minus the cock and ass shot it really isn’t any different.

a4ablueSure I know these social sites like a4a have to make their money, especially since they are free… but really does every ad have to be a porno or male enhancement product. What is worse this ad pictured is fairly tame compared to some of the other full frontal x-rated action ads! Not to mention that each page is plastered with pictures of user’s private parts or headless torsos…

Now I know some will argue that these sites are just for hooking up. You will even read the occasional ad that says I know I will unlikely find a boyfriend on this site. Are we all just giving in and accepting defeat here? Why aren’t there gay male social networking sites that aren’t so fixated on sex? Heck why not open it up to anyone who wants a gay best friend? I mean we are fabulous!

Have we just gone off the deep end with this idea of being liberated. Just because we can do it, should we? What happened to romance? What happened to the simple things like talking and getting to know one another. Sure sex is great but for me it isn’t everything.

I look online and I see a lot of loneliness… a lot of accepting less… settling… I think that is the real problem with all the hate bashing that goes on… It makes it that much harder to find love. Plus you still have those who don’t have the courage to come out, who hide behind the anonymity of online.

Now I am not against sex. I just think the extreme on either end can be unhealthy. Maybe not for some but I know I am not alone. One thing I have learned with taking things slow with someone it enhances all of the other qualities and feelings. I guess for me it is all the gratuitous sex that really rubs me the wrong way. Like it is thrown in my face on some sites.

If you have a less than perfect body these sites can also do a number on your self esteem. There are times I look at all the muscle and I think well I don’t look like that. The voices in my head tell me that no one will want someone like you. It is very easy to feel like you are on this judging block ready to be cut in half. How loud do we really need to MOOOOOOO???

So what do you do if you don’t want to get all wrapped up in the meat market of online social networking? Are bars a better alternative? Personally I have always struggled going up to strangers in public. Often I feel like a deer caught in the head lights…  So if not bars, then what? Sure there is the whole friends of friends but what if you are new to the area?

I know we are men but do we really have to always focus on sex? The word that keeps surfacing is connection. I am not saying we do what the right wing wants us to do but can’t we show other parts of ourselves that are of value.

I guess I see sex very much like food. As much as I would love to eat at a buffet every day, I couldn’t handle it. Moderation is the key, so is balance.

Trust me I have been there, where I thought that was all I was good for… sex… I no longer believe that. I just wonder how many guys are also in that boat? Who don’t believe they can find love, so they settle for second best.

I hope to not come across as judging others, that is not my purpose. I certainly know how that feels. I just think some respect has been lost a long the way.

Look at the popularity in bareback porn, especially companies like Treasure Island Media, and how they are glorified for unhealthy behavior. Sure I know it is partly a fantasy but for many it is a reality. The fact of the matter people still die from AIDS. Yet we have a have a segment of our gay community that sexualizes behavior that can cause HIV and AIDS.

I wonder how different things will be ten to twenty years from now. Will we have an epidemic like they did in the 80’s?

I think people would be surprised how much unprotected sex occurs in the gay community. Personally there was a time that I was very promiscuous. My self worth was so low that I wasn’t able to see the consequences for my actions. All I cared for was the quick fix. I was playing Russian Roulette with my life. Thankfully as I have started to take better care for myself I was able to make different choices. I started to value my life and am learning to look at the consequences, not just with sex. I am blessed to still be HIV Negative because so many others are not so fortunate.

Honestly I still struggle with it all. Getting online can be very triggering for me, especially with the sexual trauma. All of this makes me very sad. Sure it is all fun and games right now but what happens when you get sick? What good will all the sex have done for you if you can’t get the medicine you need to survive? I see a bunch of guys that need love.

Many see HIV and AIDS as a manageable illness. They don’t see those who struggle with it everyday from the medicines that mess up their body to the stigma that goes with it. They don’t see the people who die from it. Just take a pill and it will all be okay, well it isn’t as easy as that.

Again what are we selling? Sure they are our bodies but attached to those bodies are souls… I know this post probably comes across like I am against sex, which I am not. I just think there is a time and a place for it. As things are changing in the world when it comes to being gay, we no longer have to run and hide. We can be ourselves. Just cause many in the world tells us we are not of value that doesn’t mean it is the truth.

I am not buying into this idea that all there is to the gay community is sex, nor am I willing to accept it! As a gay man sex is only a small part of who I am… Even being gay isn’t the biggest part of who I am, just the most fabulous part! 🙂

Anyone else have any thoughts on this subject? Please tell me I am not alone??? 🙂


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