Tonight I am feeling particularly sad. It catches me when I least expect it. I still wonder how life will ever go back to any normalcy. I keep rehashing the events of last year, mostly not by choice. Could I have done something different? What if this would have happened? Wish I would have said this… and that… spent more time with her… You name it, I have felt and thought it…
I miss her deeply. I miss talking to her, miss seeing her. I miss the way she laughed, and how she made me laugh.
I still have these fears that I will never get to see her again. I hope for some comfort in regards to that. Trust me it isn’t a fun feeling to have, to think that you might never see one of the most important people you have ever known.
I feel rather lost with out her. I catch myself cooking wanting to ask her a question but can’t… She was the person that knew when something was done or what to do… Then you start thinking about things she use to do… Like make my favorite cake for my birthday, red velvet… It makes me sad to think I will never have that cake again… She lost the recipe…
Of course I am being selfish… I wouldn’t want her to suffer. I know that she wouldn’t have had a very good quality of life if she did survive and I wouldn’t have wanted that. It is just tough, my heart aches deeply.
You get use to having someone in your life for thirty six years and in a flash of a moment they disappear. It feels like when you are a child and you lose sight of your Mom out in a store… That panic feeling but it doesn’t go away.
Everything triggers the loss… Especially seeing or hearing others talk about their Mom. I think what makes me the saddest is hearing my nieces and nephew talk about their Bih (they called her that instead of grandma)… Every time I hear them say they miss her it breaks my heart! I was blessed to have her in my life for thirty six years.
I wish I could focus on the blessings of having her in my life for so long, so many people aren’t as fortunate.
I also wish I could have gotten my life together sooner so that I could have gave her a few things she deserved. I had always dreamed of buying her a home. Her life here wasn’t always easy and that always broke my heart. I wish I could have been stronger enough to take care of her.
Her and I were a pair. I kind of thought we would be like Dorothy and Sophia on the Golden Girls. Life had different plans. Now I have to adjust to living here without her physical presence. I am trying to adjust my way of thinking and come to realize that she is still around me. Guess it takes time to adjust…