I’m Not my Father

So someone close to me brought up this idea. Something I have been fighting with most of my adult life. This fear that I am just like my father. Being the son of your father it is natural to be compared to him but imagine what it is like when your father isn’t something you want to be.

I guess it is this idea if you are your father’s son, then you are bound to be just like him. I guess that is the fear of mine.

My father and I, have never really had a good relationship. It has always been strained and always on his terms.

Anger is the one trait that has always scared me. I haven’t ever quite known how to handle it appropriately. Even feeling anger makes me feel like I am just like my father. So I tend to avoid it. The few times that I have expressed anger is when I have been pushed and it always makes me feeling less. I think the key for me is realizing it isn’t anger that is unhealthy, it is what you do with it that can be.

I guess I got into this attitude that you can’t make anyone angry because you don’t know what they will do. I saw what happens when you made my father very angry and it wasn’t a pretty sight. When someone has a temper you learn to walk on egg shells and I guess I have done that most of my life with everyone, even myself.

I will admit this isn’t an easy subject for me to talk about. As I type this, I can feel myself starting to feel awful. It isn’t easy to admit to the world that I have a father that has always put his needs above everyone else. Even though I learned very quickly who my father was, I still wish he would change and love me the way I need.

All this time I took his inability to love me personal, as a reflection of who I was. That just is not the case. I have to remind myself that I am my own person. I may come from his DNA but I am not like him. I also have my beautiful Mother’s DNA flowing threw my veins.

The fact that I am aware of all of this shows that I am not like my father. I am so much more than the image my father created of me.

My father is not the only person whose image I have taken on. I have done the same with many other people in my life who hurt me, especially my abuser. For someone that causes harm it is much easier to pass your feelings onto your victim, than it is to feel them yourself.

Though I am working on loving myself inside and out, there have been times in my life that I felt like I was a monster. Granted I didn’t have any reason to believe in that, I still did. Those who manipulate and use others that is how they keep those they harm. For me it is like a form of brainwashing. People like my father feel the only way they can keep love is by making a person feel less or with fear. If all your life you have been told your a weed, how are you to know that you are a beautiful flower? Especially when he keeps the sun and other flowers away from you.

People are like mirrors and it was when I saw my reflection in another flower’s eyes that I realized I was not a weed but a beautiful flower!!!

My father knew if my sister, mom and I realized we were flowers we would never stay in his garden. So in order to prevent us from leaving, he made us believe we were weeds. After he took everything he needed from my Mom, he thew her out… abandon her and moved on to the next family… After that my Mama was not the same. I will never forget what he did to my Mama…

I have learned that he is too toxic to keep in my garden. I am worth more than that. It is perfectly alright to love a person from a far, especially if keeping that person in your life does more harm than good. Just because we are born into a relationship it doesn’t mean that we have to keep ourselves in that said relationship. For me it has become part of my self care.

Negativity is a form of Cancer and sometimes the only solution is to cut it out.

The biggest difference between me and my father is love. He lives his life centered around hate, weakness and fear. I live mine centered around love, strength and courage. Also the difference is in how I treat other people. Awareness is also a trait my father does not have. I know I am not perfect and I will admit my insecurities and flaws, and am working on overcoming them.

Love is what separates my father and I. I feel that I am worthy of love and work hard to return it to the world. I care about the world around me and am working on becoming more grounded and whole. These are concepts my father just can’t grasp…

While I may have a few of his traits, that doesn’t mean I am my father. I am my own person. A person with a heart of gold, that tries to not hurt anyone.

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