I am ugly…

That is what I said to myself when I looked into the mirror tonight.

Ugly. Hideous. Fat.

These are all words that are running through my mind right now.

Unlovable. Worthless. Unwanted.

These are meanings behind those words.

I looked into the mirror and I was disgusted at what I saw. It is a feeling that I don’t care for. It doesn’t make me feel so hot.

I don’t always see ugly, hideous or fat when I look in the mirror but when I do it makes me shiver.

Part of the way I feel about myself is my recent weight gain. I think about having sex with another guy and my first thought is no one will want to touch me. You would think that would be motivation enough to go on a diet but it isn’t.

This has came up in therapy. I wonder if I use my weight as layer of protection. The heavier I am, the less likely it is I will be with someone… making it very unlikely I will ever get hurt.

I also realize that the way I feel about myself isn’t just about the weight.

I personalize everything.

I login to various gay social sites and I am faced with all these guys with muscles, who look nothing like me. Even the ones that say they are just looking friendship don’t even respond back. I obviously am not attractive enough to be their friend. See that is where the personalization gets me in trouble every time!!!

The whole online gay lifestyle is very disheartening at times. It is very much like a meat market especially the sites that allow nudity in your pictures. I mean I am gay but it doesn’t mean I want to stare at penis all the time. Then you have the headless horsemen gay guys. Then on top of all of that you have porno ads all over. Am I the only one that gets turned off by all of this?

I mean is that all there is to life, sex??? I don’t think so…

When you are fat, you become this joke. Often times you are the one starting the joke. I guess it is easier to laugh off the reality then face the truth. Growing up your told your too fat, you need to lose weight. The kids stare and call you names.

Just look at our culture and how we treat a person’s size. All you have to do is turn on the television and see all the weight loss ads. Look at me all skinny and fabulous, you can do it too!!! I am not saying that being healthy is a bad thing but at what cost??? Just look at all the photoshopping that is done to pictures on magazines.

It is all this comparing that does harm.

Even in the bear community lately I have felt out of place. On the bear sites I rarely get a response back from someone not my size. When that happens the wheels of personalizing start to turn. Some will argue that these sites are just for one thing online, hooking up… but I have to believe that I am not the only one out there looking for meaningful connections???

Recently I have heard from gay guys, who are not fat, have the same problem as I do… as in they never hear back from people. So what in the world is going on??? Has the invention of the iPhone and Android made it too easy? I mean it certainly has made it easier to find people, right down to their location. More options means more choices. Is it the whole grass is greener on the other side scenario? I mean you can always find someone hotter, just an icon over…

Being a gay sexual abuse survivor is very tough. You are constantly bombarded by superficiality. Profiles that say no fatties or hwp only. I connected how others think about my body to my self worth. I need to sever those ties because they are harmful to me. I have connected my dating struggles with being overweight… which really means I am ugly… unwanted… unlovable…  alone… forever…

There is apart of being a survivor of sexual abuse is that I have felt that was my purpose to give others pleasure. When someone takes something that isn’t yours, and then as an adult you have relationships that mirror that, you become an object.

I think in many ways I eat away my feelings because it is a way for me to protect myself. I know that it is all connected to the abuse. Often times it feels like a part of me is still trapped in that bedroom. I wish it were as easy as turning off a switch.

I guess the difference is that I am now aware of these ugly feelings and I am working on overcoming them. I have to remind myself that I am not my feelings. Loneliness is a tough feeling for me and often the beginning of my downward spirals. I really need to be aware of these feelings and be careful when I start to feel lonely.

I started to write about lonely and I started to think about it more. There is general loneliness where you miss being around people. Then there is the loneliness you feel because you miss having someone special in your life. I also think I kid myself that when I look online I am not trying to find a potential mate, even when I say I am just looking for friends… Maybe that is what so many guys who say they are looking for friends are doing??? Years ago, before I realized that my weight was a big issue for me, I noticed it was difficult to be friends with other guys who were big like myself. I finally realized that they were mirrors. I have since realized when it comes to friendship it is most healthy when I am not attracted to the person because sex for me complicates things.

Why do I feel I need someone in my life to be happy?

When I get really lonely I start looking online for ways to soothe my feelings. Here is how the cycle goes.

I get lonely -> look for platonic connection -> romantic connection -> sexual connection = feeling horrible, ugly, etc

Regardless if I am successful in finding someone to have sex with me I end up feeling horrible because in one situation I become an object and another no one wants me. There was a time where I was very promiscuous and did this all the time. I am thankful I have moved forward. Though I find myself trying to go backwards.

Tonight a word came to mind when I thought about having sex and my body… pure… I guess I have always saw my body as dirty. That started early on when I tried to wash away the filth from the sexual abuse.

Wow, it just dawned on me how I looked at my body. Talk about light bulbs exploding!!!

Lately I have been feeling particularly lonely with all the feelings of loss. Tonight I had a chance to hookup and I stopped myself. I realized I deserved and wanted more! Afterwards is when pure came to mind. This idea that my body is a temple. I need to start treating it like so.

I have to start looking at my body like a secret garden. Sure I have a lot of weeding to do but the walls are still strong, I just have to keep the door locked. I have planted a seed and soon life will blossom filling my garden full of beautiful flowers. I just need to be more cautious who I let inside my garden because many will try to trample or steal my flowers.

Even thought it has been close to 10 months since I’ve had sex, partly by choice, I still feel inside that my body belongs to others. I think the key to my recovery is letting that go. Just because someone took something that wasn’t theirs when I was a child, it doesn’t mean they still have it. It was and will always be mine.

It is time for me to start thinking about what I do to my body. Is what I am doing to it going to help or hurt me? As for gratuitous sex it usually means something harmful because it is too deeply connected to the sexual trauma.

So from now on I am going to start treating my body like a temple, especially when it comes to sex. I am worth more than a one night stand. The benefits don’t out way the consequences. I must burn that ideology into my brain.

I am reclaiming my body and my self worth. For too long the door to my secret garden was unhinged, stolen long ago… I have since put up a heavy duty bullet proof door with a combination lock that only I have the code for. Now I will control who I let in to see my garden, everyone else will have to look at my beauty from a far… Just because I let someone in it doesn’t mean they have full access to my garden, or control. If they begin to abuse their privileges I have the right to banish them.

I hold the key and lock. No one else does…

 

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