So the last four months have probably been the most difficult in my life. I had to face something I didn’t want to ever want to. The death of my Mama set me into a very deep depression. Losing her has shook me to my core and I have started to question everything in my life.
Depression is very crippling. It is this thick dark cloud that surrounds everything in your life. It is a type of poison that seeps deep into your consciousness. Add a traumatic event to the mix and it amplifies the pain infinitely.
My inner demons tell me things like I am not worth it, unlovable because if someone treated me poorly it must have been for a reason.
Not everyone in this world believes in the power of love. Some have lost sight of it, while others do whatever they can to protect hate. This world we live in is very much a battleground. We are in a war but with unconventional weapons. Weapons that cut deeper than any sword and pierce faster than any gun. All it takes is just a few letters. Words.
When you stand up for others, you are bound to get injured. People will go to great lengths to protect their security, especially when someone comes into their world trying to change.
I have questioned my purpose in life. I have wondered why people haven’t liked me for no apparent reason. For the longest time I took it personal and then I internalized it. Until recently when I discovered that the reasons behind not liking me had nothing to do with me. It was all to do with who they were and the fears/insecurities they lived in.
When you stand up against hate and injustice, especially with those inflicting or covering it up, it is natural for it to cause conflict. People have conformed and gotten comfortable in the injustice. The injustice has became a way of life. It has became the norm. Anyone that tries to chip away at the injustice is seen as an outsider. They project their hate, intolerance and bad deeds on others. That is how they sleep at night.
My Mama was my biggest champion. She was the one person I could go to and know I would receive love. Her death has made me feel like I am dangling in outer space with no net. Without her physical presence it has made this earth a lot more frightening.
Having a big heart and knowing what to keep for yourself has always been a struggle for me. I have always been able to stand up for others and the injustices they have endured but when it comes to me I have always struggled.
When my Mama died, I questioned whether I wanted to be on this planet.
You give your love to others and when you hit enough brick walls you begin to wonder why?
Love should be available to all, yet some feel that it is only for the few.
I have internalized others hate for too long, allowed it to cripple me. Others fears, intolerance and hate was never mine to keep.
Today I was reminded of the deep impact I have on this world by a friend I went to school with. I am still taken back with the kind words he said about me. To have someone recognize and validate who I am and the love/care I give really impacted me deeply. To know that I inspired someone else to stand up for others was huge.
I feel like I am closer to venturing out into the world and allowing my heart and light to shine. A part of me thought that in order to help other people, that I needed to be “cured” myself but today I realized that they go hand in hand. I realized this by watching a movie on The Disney Channel called “Radio Rebel”. This movie had a great message of standing up for what is right and being who you truly are. The story revolved around this shy, insecure teenager that uses this an internet radio show to inspire others and in the process it allows her to embrace who she really is… Her rebel personality merged with her reality and it allowed her to embrace who she really was.
That is what I want to do is embrace who I really am, while inspiring others to do the same. I have realized that when I am able to embrace who I really am, that it allows others the opportunity do so as well.
I just need to find a venue to share my story. I have been thinking about doing a weekly podcast. I have to have faith that God will lead me where I need to go.
Love is the key. It is who I am. I have a message that others need to hear. I believe that is my purpose. It will be how I honor my beautiful Mother and the gift she gave me.