It’s the end of the world

as we know it…

As December 21st is upon us it has me thinking of the end of the world. Now don’t worry I haven’t gone all bonkers by believing the world will end on the 21st. The only thing that day does for me is bring up a lot of fears.

The whole idea of the end of the world has always been a terrifying thought to me. My father brain washed this fear into my mind, so much that I would have this reoccurring nightmare as a child of the end of the world. I still occasionally have it…

Watching the movie Signs probably wasn’t a good idea for many different reasons but it left me feeling full of fear and questioning.

I still struggle with my faith. In the movie Mel’s character says there are two groups of people. One who believes in signs and miracles, and one who believes in luck. For a time his character went from being a believer to a nonbeliever because of the death of his wife.

Personally I’ve struggled with my faith since my mother died. I feel abandoned and betrayed by God. The one time I believed and held onto my faith, god didn’t answer my prayers. At least not in the way I needed, as in to have my Mama home alive and well.

I wouldn’t have my Mama suffer but why couldn’t he heal her body and keep her alive??? Why???

I also wish I could have talked to her one last time before she died.

It honestly feels like my world has came to an end. It certainly has forever been changed.

I’m angry at God. I can’t seem to release it either. I think I have felt anger towards God for a very long time. It feels like the one time I needed him/her he/she wasn’t there.

If God is a loving force why are we put her to suffer? Why do people get Cancer? Why do they die from such a horrible disease after a lot of pain and suffering? Why does God take the good people but leave the bad ones?

These are just some of the questions I have.

I still have these end of the world fears. Mainly they play into my fears of not getting into heaven. Which means never seeing my Mama or the rest of my family again. Now that scares me senseless!!!

Revelations in the Bible is like a horror novel. I can remember as a child being petrified of what I read. Death, fathom and pestilence oh my! Not to mention the Devil.

My father and others used this book to inflict fear upon others, that was how they got control. If you don’t repent your sins you will forever burn in he’ll for them…

When in reality many of these so called men of God had closets full of demons hiding deep within them. These were the kinds of men who caused a lot of the evils in the world. Did they create religion just as a way to justify and make right the evil things they did in the past? As long as they created a lie and lived it, they could go through life. In order to do this they had to convince others this was the only way. Well it’s a lie.

Rather than preach repenting why not preach doing good in the world?

Instead they created this idea that washes away all the sin they have inflicted on innocent souls, many of them children.

If the end of the world is to come it will be between the light and dark. Those who have everything figured out will quickly learn how misguided they were. I guess anything is possible from an alien invasion, to a meteor, to a massive power failure… Not to mention war. If the end of the world comes it will more than likely come from the blood on our hands.

But I can’t concentrate on all of that or it will drive me nuts.

Though I do believe it’s good to be prepared for anything… Maybe not for the end of the world but emergency situations.

Now the end of the world I do believe in is the shift of our lives. My world prior to my Mama dying was drastically different and it will never be the same.

Sure the pain will lessen but nothing will fill this hole in my chest. Life will get different but I will always feel like something is missing… Nothing anyone says will convince me other wise!!!

It kinda feels like the end of the world right now and I have moment where I’m not sure I will survive the pain and suffering…

Then I have the few rare moments where I feel fine…

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