Tonight while I was watching Madea Goes to Jail forgiveness was brought up and it got me thinking about my life. One of the lines in the movie is “forgiveness is for yourself, not for the person you are forgiving. Why toss and turn and stress over something when the person who did it is sleeping soundly in their bed.”
I think the person I really need to forgive is myself. I think all these years I have been blaming myself, thinking I could have done something differently. I need to stop blaming myself for the actions of other people. It is not my fault that I was sexually abused, I was a child and couldn’t help it. Somehow I convinced myself I could have stop it, or at the very least stood up for myself.
Being angry and holding onto the pain has not served me at all, it has only kept me behind.
A few years ago my father told me he was sorry for the spiritual abuse. He said he was sorry for coming at me so strong with Jesus… These were three words that I had been waiting an eternity to hear and finally the day arrived. Surprising hearing those words left me feeling empty, almost angry. My father’s apology didn’t take away the pain he inflicted on me.
I’ve let my father, cousin and various others have control of my life for too long. All these years of sleepless nights when they didn’t have any problems sleeping. I have been waiting for them to acknowledge what they had done to me… That could take an eternity and I can no longer wait. In the case of my father I have come to realize that it doesn’t take away the pain any ways.
There is power in taking back control of your life.
I am a survivor, not a victim. I am no longer in those painful situations.
I am free…